MIL constantly pushing boundaries

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks all. While the prospect of not vacationing with her is very appealing to me, it’s a group thing with my SIL and her family as well and my daughter loves being with cousins, so I’d prefer to grin and bear it, but yeah I don’t love it. I think I need to be more assertive. I’ve been firm with saying no to things I’m not comfortable with, but have never called her out for the repeated asks.

[Anonymous]

Stop this now of it's just going to get worse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks all. While the prospect of not vacationing with her is very appealing to me, it’s a group thing with my SIL and her family as well and my daughter loves being with cousins, so I’d prefer to grin and bear it, but yeah I don’t love it. I think I need to be more assertive. I’ve been firm with saying no to things I’m not comfortable with, but have never called her out for the repeated asks.

Ask your husband to have a CTJ talk with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Keep saying no, be grateful that your husband backs you up on this, don't expect your MIL to change at all. Take an anti-anxiety pill before spending time with her if this strategy doesn't allow you to enjoy yourself, or try a gummy.

Your advice was spot-on except for self-medicating just to deal with MIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
This behavior sounds like perseveration, which is present in many neurodivergent profiles, notably high-functioning autism.

Interesting. Not sure if linked, but she has ADHD that is unmedicated because of a medical condition.

That might explain some of it in the sense that she's so impulsive she has to push even though she probably knows on some level it's not appropriate. If you say something, she might be able to restrain herself that day, but it's all going to come roaring back tomorrow. This is why diagnoses are given, when the behavior impacts daily functioning. You might want to double check the medical condition; often patients use that as an excuse not to medicate. Maybe a low dose of stimulants might work, or she can try non-stimulants like Guanfacine.

[Anonymous]

Every time she asks, say “Karen, did you forget that you already asked me this 10 minutes ago?” Then pointedly look at her and wait for an answer. If she says she forgot, then to your DH and say, “Larlo, I’m really concerned about your mom. Should she see a neurologist for her memory issues?” Let her feel uncomfortable. Another alternative is to just flat out ignore and let her go bother your DH. After 2-3 of these questions, he might snap at her at her and put her in her place. And obviously, don’t vacation with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
This behavior sounds like perseveration, which is present in many neurodivergent profiles, notably high-functioning autism.

Interesting. Not sure if linked, but she has ADHD that is unmedicated because of a medical condition.

Yes, I would just assume she is like an impulsive toddler. And I would try to just ignore it mostly. I’m assuming this is a once a year thing and spending time with the broader family makes itworth ignoring some nonsense. Your DH totally backs you up so I would just try to revel in how awesome he is about his annoying mom.

And the reality is that your kid will get older and you will actually be able to say “yes” to more of grandma’s nonsense like late night activities. That will eventually make it a little easier.

[Anonymous]

My MIL is like this. When our son was a newborn she would do things like ignore me when I said he needed to eat (which only I could do) and not hand him over unless I demanded it. She would insist that she wanted to take him on a walk when it was 95 degrees outside (in an area with no shade). Now that our son is a toddler, she tries to carry him away when he’s screaming for me, put food in his mouth (even though we’ve repeatedly told her not to do this), and will start a game or activity with him when we’ve already announced that it’s bedtime. It’s maddening! I have no great advice. We still vacation together, but I have to be very direct with her about what he needs and what she can and can’t do with him.

[Anonymous]

I usually let my DH handle his parents, and I handle mine wherever possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every time I see my MIL she pushes and pushes on the dumbest little things and it just drives me crazy. We’re currently vacationing together and every day it is something else. The first night she wanted to take my DD on an 8 pm activity that would have gotten us home around 9:30. DD is 4, she goes to bed at 8 and would have been a melting down mess by 9:30. I said it was too late, but suggested they do it the next day during the day. She asked me again four times and also asked my husband separately (he also said no). Today it was that I was depriving her of grandmotherly duties because I said no to ice cream . . . we all (including MIL) had had ice cream literally two hours earlier. And every time we are going somewhere that requires a drive she wants to split up and drive DD in her car. She has a really poor driving record and there is just no reason for it, but pretty sure she’s pushing only because we’ve said no. She says she wants more one on one time with DD but she never even really engages with her when we visit, just ignores her or talks over her, so that rings hollow to me.

These are usually relatively minor things but the way she continuously pushes just makes me so angry. Really not sure how to handle it.

That's insufferable. Sorry you are going through this, OP. She is just engaging in power struggles.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every time I see my MIL she pushes and pushes on the dumbest little things and it just drives me crazy. We’re currently vacationing together and every day it is something else. The first night she wanted to take my DD on an 8 pm activity that would have gotten us home around 9:30. DD is 4, she goes to bed at 8 and would have been a melting down mess by 9:30. I said it was too late, but suggested they do it the next day during the day. She asked me again four times and also asked my husband separately (he also said no). Today it was that I was depriving her of grandmotherly duties because I said no to ice cream . . . we all (including MIL) had had ice cream literally two hours earlier. And every time we are going somewhere that requires a drive she wants to split up and drive DD in her car. She has a really poor driving record and there is just no reason for it, but pretty sure she’s pushing only because we’ve said no. She says she wants more one on one time with DD but she never even really engages with her when we visit, just ignores her or talks over her, so that rings hollow to me.

These are usually relatively minor things but the way she continuously pushes just makes me so angry. Really not sure how to handle it.

Hold your ground, be civil, keep repeating yourself, smile as sweet as hell.

Once home go vent to your friends and drink wine.

You’re doing great OP. Your MiL seems very self centered and difficult. Don’t bother diagnosing or excusing her bad behavior beyond that.

[Anonymous]

And I have a MiL and FIL with aspergers - and BiL, the uncles and my spouse- so things can get loony but they actually know their limits and don’t vacation. It throw a them off.

But I’ve had to stop downright dangerous thing from happening when the kids were younger. They have lack of judgment, forget things discussion, disregard things discussed, disagree with any reasoning, respond rudely, etc. Ie not who you want with children alone.

They live quite far away, so I can just Yellow Rock along during their long visits or ours. Once my kids got older they realized how no one remembered anything but use it to get away with murder (rated r movies, tons of sweets, staying up late, etc.)

[Anonymous]

MILs can’t win on DCUM. They’re either too hands on or not hands on enough. Too caring or not caring enough. Not willing to babysit or willing to babysit but “too flaky” to trust with the kids. Too strict or too loose.

It’s exhausting. You are all a bunch of shrews. I can’t wait until you are MILs yourselves. Karma, baby, karma.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:MILs can’t win on DCUM. They’re either too hands on or not hands on enough. Too caring or not caring enough. Not willing to babysit or willing to babysit but “too flaky” to trust with the kids. Too strict or too loose.

It’s exhausting. You are all a bunch of shrews. I can’t wait until you are MILs yourselves. Karma, baby, karma.

I was thinking this too after reading the op and responses. Karma is a thing. I just wish these moms have daughter in laws who are just like they currently are

[Anonymous]

Ask her to stay back at the house with your child while you and husband go out.

Or maybe she and sil can take your child out to the activity while you and husband stay home. This gives her the grandma time she thinks she needs without you.

I get it, my fil was like that and it's baffling and difficult. Lots of arguments and I was on the receiving end of all sorts of dramatic rambling texts and letters.

My fil thankfully gave up at some point. I'm certain he's told the whole family that we're the bad guys and kept him from his grandson.