MIL constantly pushing boundaries

[Anonymous]

Every time I see my MIL she pushes and pushes on the dumbest little things and it just drives me crazy. We’re currently vacationing together and every day it is something else. The first night she wanted to take my DD on an 8 pm activity that would have gotten us home around 9:30. DD is 4, she goes to bed at 8 and would have been a melting down mess by 9:30. I said it was too late, but suggested they do it the next day during the day. She asked me again four times and also asked my husband separately (he also said no). Today it was that I was depriving her of grandmotherly duties because I said no to ice cream . . . we all (including MIL) had had ice cream literally two hours earlier. And every time we are going somewhere that requires a drive she wants to split up and drive DD in her car. She has a really poor driving record and there is just no reason for it, but pretty sure she’s pushing only because we’ve said no. She says she wants more one on one time with DD but she never even really engages with her when we visit, just ignores her or talks over her, so that rings hollow to me.

These are usually relatively minor things but the way she continuously pushes just makes me so angry. Really not sure how to handle it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every time I see my MIL she pushes and pushes on the dumbest little things and it just drives me crazy. We’re currently vacationing together and every day it is something else. The first night she wanted to take my DD on an 8 pm activity that would have gotten us home around 9:30. DD is 4, she goes to bed at 8 and would have been a melting down mess by 9:30. I said it was too late, but suggested they do it the next day during the day. She asked me again four times and also asked my husband separately (he also said no). Today it was that I was depriving her of grandmotherly duties because I said no to ice cream . . . we all (including MIL) had had ice cream literally two hours earlier. And every time we are going somewhere that requires a drive she wants to split up and drive DD in her car. She has a really poor driving record and there is just no reason for it, but pretty sure she’s pushing only because we’ve said no. She says she wants more one on one time with DD but she never even really engages with her when we visit, just ignores her or talks over her, so that rings hollow to me.

These are usually relatively minor things but the way she continuously pushes just makes me so angry. Really not sure how to handle it.

Stop vacationing with her.

[Anonymous]

This behavior sounds like perseveration, which is present in many neurodivergent profiles, notably high-functioning autism.

[Anonymous]

“Again, Sue, you’re pushing when I’ve said no. Exactly what is your problem with respecting my decisions and Tim’s decisions as parents? We decide, you’re not going to get your way, and you’d think you would have cut it out by now. Is this somehow fun or satisfying for you?”

Blow it up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
This behavior sounds like perseveration, which is present in many neurodivergent profiles, notably high-functioning autism.

Interesting. Not sure if linked, but she has ADHD that is unmedicated because of a medical condition.

[Anonymous]

I told my wife I’ll never vacation with her parents again after they took us all to Disney when DD was 3, it was awful.
Stop going on vacation with her, but for now keep saying no.
See if you can get her to engage with DD on different ways though that work for you, like a board game or card game at the table.
Suggest ice cream tomorrow as she’s already had ice cream today.

[Anonymous]

No solutions, but I can empathize. My DD is 13 so I’ve been dealing with this type of MIL for years. It does not matter what we as her parents want. It’s just what she wants. The demands and actions contrary to our wishes are ENDLESS.

[Anonymous]

You plan an activity with her and set it up. Call her bluff and drop them off for breakfast tomorrow-and you and husband go get coffee nearby. Or bring them to a store where your MIL can let her buy souvenirs, a matching outfit, bookstore whatever. If you don’t trust her don’t make it something like swimming but they could do nails (4 is old enough) or a petting zoo - whatever easy thing there is where you’re vacationing.

[Anonymous]

Maybe your DH says, "Mom, knock it off. You're bugging us. Stop or you'll get even less time with your Grandchild." Or he says, "Mom, you're being rude." We won't want to be around you if you're rude.

No one gets to be rude. Relatives don't get a pass

[Anonymous]

Keep saying no, be grateful that your husband backs you up on this, don't expect your MIL to change at all. Take an anti-anxiety pill before spending time with her if this strategy doesn't allow you to enjoy yourself, or try a gummy.

[Anonymous]

^ btw, I'm a Grandma

[Anonymous]

Depending on my mood I'd either keep ignoring/not engaging or ask point blank if even SHE knows what her deal is. She likely doesn't. Glad your husband has her #.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't vacation with someone like that.

[Anonymous]

“This is the fourth time you’ve asked. Are you under the impression that we’re going to change our mind? The answer is still the same. Please stop asking.”

Rinse & repeat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every time I see my MIL she pushes and pushes on the dumbest little things and it just drives me crazy. We’re currently vacationing together and every day it is something else. The first night she wanted to take my DD on an 8 pm activity that would have gotten us home around 9:30. DD is 4, she goes to bed at 8 and would have been a melting down mess by 9:30...She says she wants more one on one time with DD but she never even really engages with her when we visit, just ignores her or talks over her, so that rings hollow to me.

These are usually relatively minor things but the way she continuously pushes just makes me so angry. Really not sure how to handle it.

Don't vacation with her again. I'm a GM, MIL and our function on going on a vacation with the family will be: provide baby sitting for them to go out to dinner, spa, golf etc. Nap and early bed time coverage. Co MIL not going to be invited since she'd be intrusive.