How do you identify a man that would be a good husband?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH is a good husband and I'll list some of the thing that stuck out to me when we were dating that go above the obvious (like kindness, sexual compatibility, etc)

- Enjoys cooking
- Got excited about showing me updates to his apartment
- Genuinely wanted my opinion about things. We talked about his job, family, issues with friends, life in general
- Would let me talk about issues with my job or family without trying to fix it. Knew when I just needed to vent and when I needed his opinions
- Made an effort to become friends with my friends and family
- Was very supportive when my dad got seriously ill
- Honest. We talked about everything. There were no secrets
- Took pride in his own things and kept his apartment clean.
- Supported me through a job crisis and then career change. He has always respected me and been my cheerleader

I’m glad the apartment update excitement worked out. That likely would have led me to a different conclusion

[Anonymous]

Lots of good ideas on here. In would add something around high EQ, good communicator, can deal with stress okay, mature. Marriage and kids requires dealing with a lot of unexpected things, and I am so grateful how even-keel my DH is and how we can really talk pragmatically about issues.

[Anonymous]

Luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not necessary but the following would be a plus:
Able to fix irrigation, able to paint, able to change a tire and change a battery, knows how a car engine runs,
able to fix simple plumbing, able to trouble shoot home repairs

Can cook 1 or 2 meals that are really yummy.

Op inquired about a husband, not a butler! Glad I’m not stuck with you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not necessary but the following would be a plus:
Able to fix irrigation, able to paint, able to change a tire and change a battery, knows how a car engine runs,
able to fix simple plumbing, able to trouble shoot home repairs

Can cook 1 or 2 meals that are really yummy.

Op inquired about a husband, not a butler! Glad I’m not stuck with you!

I know. My DH can’t do a single one of these things but he is a terrific life partner. Kindness and emotional maturity are way more important.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH is a good husband and I'll list some of the thing that stuck out to me when we were dating that go above the obvious (like kindness, sexual compatibility, etc)

- Enjoys cooking
- Got excited about showing me updates to his apartment
- Genuinely wanted my opinion about things. We talked about his job, family, issues with friends, life in general
- Would let me talk about issues with my job or family without trying to fix it. Knew when I just needed to vent and when I needed his opinions
- Made an effort to become friends with my friends and family
- Was very supportive when my dad got seriously ill
- Honest. We talked about everything. There were no secrets
- Took pride in his own things and kept his apartment clean.
- Supported me through a job crisis and then career change. He has always respected me and been my cheerleader

+1

Communication, communication, communication. See how his birth family behaves around each other. If they lack communication, it shows you what he has been raised around. If there is a chauvinistic taint, or there is a pecking order or favoritism, do not expect that to change. If his family still thinks he is a small child, and that they are the dictators, run - that will not change. Also make sure he has good friends - it does not have to be a large number, but it has to be the kind that has decent values (same as you), and would not steer him wrong or be jealous of him marrying. It should be the kind of friends (and family) that would defend you both, as a couple (not try to get dirt that does not exist). If his family believes *stated or not) that voicing emotions is the same as "complaining", if women are not meant to have a voice - run.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not necessary but the following would be a plus:
Able to fix irrigation, able to paint, able to change a tire and change a battery, knows how a car engine runs,
able to fix simple plumbing, able to trouble shoot home repairs

Can cook 1 or 2 meals that are really yummy.

Op inquired about a husband, not a butler! Glad I’m not stuck with you!

I know. My DH can’t do a single one of these things but he is a terrific life partner. Kindness and emotional maturity are way more important.

DP here. Agree that being handy means that his dad spent extra time with him, and that his dad paid attention, and that his dad was likely a good example - all good. If the parent/s are checked out, that is kind of awful.

[Anonymous]

Know more about his family than you think you should - then you will see that they are honest and forthcoming, not sneaky and hiding things.

[Anonymous]

Empathetic, good with kids and likes animals, good listener, you share some of the same love languages or he can fulfill some of yours, attempts to please you in bed and can take cues or direct feedback well and applies it to improve his performance, treats others well (especially people in the service industry), works hard or smart enough to provide for himself (always nice to have if he can provide for you as well but not really required), confident enough to not be insecure, and has healthy friendships (few or many).

I have an ok husband that actually has all of these qualities but he has ADHD and I think it causes most of our relationship problems so in an ideal world, add neurotypical to the list. In hindsight I’d still marry him though.

[Anonymous]

- he comes from an intact and happy family
- he is loved by his family. he is close to his family
- very well educated and values education
- honest, moral and principled
- kind, loving and fair
- hard working and not greedy
- has pride and self respect
- respectful towards other people and women.
- loves, wants and values me.
- wants to have a family and values the family
- has the qualities to be a great father
- is not misogynistic. Believes in equality.
- is a flexible thinker
- sees me as an equal and as his partner.
- disciplined and has maturity
- no addiction, adultry and abuse
- loyal and upholds the marital vows

Money? Meh! I can earn alongside him. Not a problem.

[Anonymous]

I notice many mention the relationship he has with his parents. This is more important than you think. My husband loves his parents and is kind to them. Especially now that they are in their 80s. This also shows he had a good childhood and stable family life. He is such a kind, patient and gentle soul. Being smart and having a good stable job is important. Don’t worry about looks so much. That eventually fades. Someone who loves kids if that is what you want. Being a nice guy and not a jerk. Someone who does not have to be the life of the party.

[Anonymous]

Traits of my DH that add the most value to our home life/parent life:

-Works hard/good at job
-High energy level (so important with kids)
-Solid cooking skills and interest in cooking
-Regimented about his tasks - like every Sunday he cleans out the inside of the fridge
-Holds his own in conversation with anyone - good at helping entertain random extended family
-Cares about health
-Tries to remember and prioritize things other family members want to do/visit/eat/etc
-Sticks to our budget
-Generally a glass half-full person

[Anonymous]

$

[Anonymous]

Pets. DH had a few rescue cats. Took great care of them. In particular, I remember watching him clean up cat hairballs and scrub the carpet and thought that he would have no problem changing diapers. He was indeed a great father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I notice many mention the relationship he has with his parents. This is more important than you think. My husband loves his parents and is kind to them. Especially now that they are in their 80s. This also shows he had a good childhood and stable family life. He is such a kind, patient and gentle soul. Being smart and having a good stable job is important. Don’t worry about looks so much. That eventually fades. Someone who loves kids if that is what you want. Being a nice guy and not a jerk. Someone who does not have to be the life of the party.

I agree, I think relationships with parents/family/friends is the best predictor, and even then, it can largely be a crap shoot. You see so many posts on here about kind men changing for the worse or hiding so much. People are complex and the future is impossible to predict.