How did you successfully raise a young adult not influenced by the worst of today’s culture?

[Anonymous]

Seeing two daughters and SILs with kids ages 10-14.5 raising their children in different areas of the DMV, I observe families that are:

- Making family life a priority and their individual interests as a parent are not priority number one
- Being involved in their children’s’ education from the very beginning meaning finding the right day care/preschool programs to provide developmentally appropriate learning environments since both couples work
- Seeking appropriate interventions as tutoring in reading for one, individual counseling on social and communication skills for another in early MS, in-school evaluation on possible LD for another
- Making time to support the school PTO and being aware of the overall school culture and networking with other families with similar interests in general
- Choosing a faith community with a positive family vibe and options for involvement in youth programs in MS
- Limiting screen time and watching that the content is appropriate even for middle schoolers
- Supporting the outside interests of each child and the commitment it takes to get them there which for 3 of the 4 are sports (boy- baseball, girl - swimming and other family girl-soccer and other piano and stretching to offer a special summer camp experience)
- Delaying phone usage in one family vía use of ab Apple Watch with oversight, and the other until 7 th grade and limiting
what sites they could have access to
- Finding responsible high school sitters who had a positive relationship with their girls in early years and who now are examples as college grads and solid citizens today
- Encouraging their teens to take in jobs such as dog sitting, cat sitting, mother’s helper and now sitters in demand like the girls who spent time with them. For early teens, it keeps them busy and and earning money which can also teach skills.
- Learning to say “no” and stick to their decision —- very hard and trying at times
- Planning family outings and just time at home watching a movie or playing games
- Giving children responsibilities at home
- Seeking professional help for oneself as needed to manage the challenges that sometimes arise because a healthy parent is needed for good family healthy

My oldest said, you have to recognize the real dangers out there now for all teens and set your sights on keeping them safe, healthy and resilient without building fear of experiencing life, but your involvement only seems to increase with Middle school and high s hook in different ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please no judgment or hate. DC, younger than 25, is overly influenced by the worst of Twitter, etc., and has a vastly different view of what’s acceptable in public, or in our home. We provided consistent guidance throughout their life. Some of it is due to mental health issues and lack of impulse control, but not all. I feel like such a failure.

I think it is DC and other big cities. Many friends moved to get away and are happy. Doesn’t work for us careereise so we are here but moved schools.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Go to church.

+1

[Anonymous]

Faith based training.

You learn what is appropriate and what is not.

I'm always amazed about the threads on not inviting children (even of family members) to weddings. Young families attending faith based training learn themselves and teach their children appropriate behavior in public settings.

[Anonymous]

Listen, there is some decent advice in here. But if you have a child who has mental health issues that include impulse control problems — you are simply playing an entirely different ballgame than I think most of the responders are playing.

One thing we all have to remember is that we are just parenting around the margins. Some kids are going to have major challenges no matter how “good” the parenting is. And when you have a kid with mental health issues, you simply have to parent way differently than you would have expected.

I have a friend who does all the things listed in this thread, including a robust faith community. Kid #1 is an amazing kid who does all the right things (and happens to be medicated for ADHD). Kid #2 has major mental health issues that will likely eventually include a bipolar disorder diagnosis. They have been through inpatient care, outpatient care, etc. Kid #2 has a high likelihood of ending up in prison, notwithstanding the parents working hard to do all the right things. Some of it is luck of the biochemical draw.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Seeing two daughters and SILs with kids ages 10-14.5 raising their children in different areas of the DMV, I observe families that are:

- Making family life a priority and their individual interests as a parent are not priority number one
- Being involved in their children’s’ education from the very beginning meaning finding the right day care/preschool programs to provide developmentally appropriate learning environments since both couples work
- Seeking appropriate interventions as tutoring in reading for one, individual counseling on social and communication skills for another in early MS, in-school evaluation on possible LD for another
- Making time to support the school PTO and being aware of the overall school culture and networking with other families with similar interests in general
- Choosing a faith community with a positive family vibe and options for involvement in youth programs in MS
- Limiting screen time and watching that the content is appropriate even for middle schoolers
- Supporting the outside interests of each child and the commitment it takes to get them there which for 3 of the 4 are sports (boy- baseball, girl - swimming and other family girl-soccer and other piano and stretching to offer a special summer camp experience)
- Delaying phone usage in one family vía use of ab Apple Watch with oversight, and the other until 7 th grade and limiting
what sites they could have access to
- Finding responsible high school sitters who had a positive relationship with their girls in early years and who now are examples as college grads and solid citizens today
- Encouraging their teens to take in jobs such as dog sitting, cat sitting, mother’s helper and now sitters in demand like the girls who spent time with them. For early teens, it keeps them busy and and earning money which can also teach skills.
- Learning to say “no” and stick to their decision —- very hard and trying at times
- Planning family outings and just time at home watching a movie or playing games
- Giving children responsibilities at home
- Seeking professional help for oneself as needed to manage the challenges that sometimes arise because a healthy parent is needed for good family healthy

My oldest said, you have to recognize the real dangers out there now for all teens and set your sights on keeping them safe, healthy and resilient without building fear of experiencing life, but your involvement only seems to increase with Middle school and high s hook in different ways.

Love all of this! Thank you

[Anonymous]

Imho spending time with kids and keeping open communication lines without fear of parental anger is the only way.

[Anonymous]

Parental demonstration of right way to live.

[Anonymous]

It is impossible to avoid influence from the culture one is immersed in. Impossible.

You can fight it a bit with deeply ingrained values that contradict certain aspects of pop culture -- but that would have required you imparting those values pretty early on, and pretty aggressively.

[Anonymous]

You aren't a failure for the choices that your ADULT daughter is making. She is an ADULT. The only person you can control is you. She is responsible for her own choices. You can provide some gentle guidance or feedback, but it's up to her to figure it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Go to church.

I'm not Christian, but I kind of agree. Kids who go to church just seen to end up living more normal lives

We didn't take our kids to church at all and they're pretty normal. We limited electronics and social media. The kids weren't allowed to have any electronics in their rooms and nothing after 8:00 pm. (That was changed to 10 when they started high school.) We encouraged reading. We encouraged sports and hobbies and art and music that were not based on media. (If kids are busy, they don't have time to get caught up in nonsense online.) We encouraged outside time and social time with other kids. We had family dinners with extended family once a week. We had family dinner with just us as many times as we could in a week. We required simple chores. We expected good grades. We taught manners. We provided enough fashionable clothes that they had some protective cover in middle school and high school. (It's a little hypocritical, but it worked.) They're 18 and 20 now and they're pretty self-possessed and independent in their thinking. They are definitely not slaves to the culture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Listen, there is some decent advice in here. But if you have a child who has mental health issues that include impulse control problems — you are simply playing an entirely different ballgame than I think most of the responders are playing.

One thing we all have to remember is that we are just parenting around the margins. Some kids are going to have major challenges no matter how “good” the parenting is. And when you have a kid with mental health issues, you simply have to parent way differently than you would have expected.

I have a friend who does all the things listed in this thread, including a robust faith community. Kid #1 is an amazing kid who does all the right things (and happens to be medicated for ADHD). Kid #2 has major mental health issues that will likely eventually include a bipolar disorder diagnosis. They have been through inpatient care, outpatient care, etc. Kid #2 has a high likelihood of ending up in prison, notwithstanding the parents working hard to do all the right things. Some of it is luck of the biochemical draw.

Therapy and adderall might be a good place for OP's daughter to start.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Keep your kid off social media for as long as you can. Pure poison.

You understand that is impossible and impractical. Social media is a lot more than you think it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Go to church.

+1

Ya, like the Duggars, Willises, and si many more. What you see is a fake veneer of societal expectations, and brewing underneath is amazingly toxic.

Religion should never be a tool to manage behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Keep your kid off social media for as long as you can. Pure poison.

You understand that is impossible and impractical. Social media is a lot more than you think it is.

That's a cop out.