Do your parents consider your choices to be judgments against them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s so hard and I’m sympathetic, but the only way to deal with this is to choose not to engage. Don’t tell her about camps or about how your husband made dinner. Completely ignore her if she tells your husband to stop putting his child’s shoes on. Let her talk and talk and do not respond. If criticism of you becomes personal and direct, say I’m so sorry but we have to go now. Don’t add fuel to this fire.

NP.

I have told mine that the children are mine, not theirs and they should mind their business.

It has worked well.

[Anonymous]

Yes but my mom is a narcissist. I was not allowed to even express a thought that she didn’t approve of or it would be really bad for me.

[Anonymous]

Nope, my parents aren’t not defensive at all!

I wonder if you subtly insult them? Could that be the reason they’re defensive? Do you ever criticize them in a seemingly benign way?

[Anonymous]

If you are respectful and loving but firm with boundaries, gradually they'll learn new balance. Parents change with time and age, you can gently nudge them in right direction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yup. OP, just from a short post, its obvious that you think you are oh so intelligent, wise, modern, competent and arrogant. How are you any better than her?

I think my choices are better for me. She's a different person and was making those decisions in a different generation and with different options. I also don't think there is a perfect answer. Working and raising kids is hard, with lots of trade offs. You can't have it all.

[Anonymous]

My ILs are like this.

BIL is sending kids to private - BIL was public growing up, his wife went to private.
"Oh, was public school not good enough for you? I guess Larla(SIL) probably looks down her nose at us!"

They are very passive aggressive and guilt-trippey about everyyything.

[Anonymous]

I mean, usually they are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, why are you so so judgmental and critical of her? You are no different than her even with all of your worldly wisdom and professional enlightenment?

You two are from different generations, grew up under different circumstances, have different IQ and EQ, rise above and be a better person. Talk to her like adults and tell her that you respect her intentions to help and advise but you rather live your live your own way and can use her support with that.

Not judgmental or critical. Just frustrated that I feel like I'm constantly being told I'm a bad parent. It's been a decade now and kindness and boundaries haven't fixed it. My very existence seems to be a threat to her identity as a "good mom." As if there isn't more than one way to be a good parent.

[Anonymous]

OP,

My mother HATES that I do things differently than her. Or at least, that's what I'm hearing, since she laments all the differences in our lives, and never has anything positive to say about the thing we're doing differently.

This predates married life and parenting. It's something fundamental about me, her only child. Apparently I needed to be a Mini-Me of her.

So I escaped at 20 and left for a different continent, the USA. Have been happily living here for more than 20 years! We talk on the phone, and we visit each other once a year. That's the most I can tolerate!!!

[Anonymous]

No my parents aren’t like this. My life is very different than the life l had with them growing up. I think they admire and are proud of how l have a degree (my mom quit university part way through for marriage and kids) and can afford a beautiful home and cool trips.

Sounds like your parents resent you and your choices, that sucks. I wonder if you have have a conversation with one of them I. A calm moment, giving examples, and how it’s uncomfortable for you. They might just be super defensive about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know but my mother (and MIL to a lesser extent) are the same way. It drives me insane. I don’t judge them for making different choices! But at the same time I’m allowed to be my own person and make different decisions for my family. Very frustrating.

I am opposite my MIL - DH chose me for his reasons, and I respect those reasons. MIL takes it personally, because everything is about her, and this "personality trait" (narcissism) gets worse with age. So, I can do no right, and that is fine with me, because no one else has had such a problem with me in my life, so I know it is on her to correct her attitude. It has spilled over to our kids, and MIL's favorite kid has (surprise!) spawned MIL's favorite grandkids, as predicted. They can do no wrong, also as predicted. Some people are very black and white OP - in MIL's case, it is called "splitting". So gross.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No my parents aren’t like this. My life is very different than the life l had with them growing up. I think they admire and are proud of how l have a degree (my mom quit university part way through for marriage and kids) and can afford a beautiful home and cool trips.

Sounds like your parents resent you and your choices, that sucks. I wonder if you have have a conversation with one of them I. A calm moment, giving examples, and how it’s uncomfortable for you. They might just be super defensive about it.

+1

This is an important point.

[Anonymous]

My parents judge us for living in a subdivision. They think people should only live in individual houses on tree-lined streets, or something . .
They judge my brother for having his kids do sports instead of music lessons.
They judge us for having a summer house because they think it's stupid to go on vacation to the same place every time.
They judge us for not being Catholic anymore because I was uncomfortable with the lack of women represented in leadership.
They judge us for not sending our children to Catholic schools.
They judge us for having a big hairy smelly dog.
They judge us for taking active vacations that involve swimming rather than visiting museums.
The funny thing is that these are just the things they know about. if they knew we had a gay child, for example, their heads would probably explode!

[Anonymous]

All you can do is act like a functional adult and say something to them very directly and see if it helps. Tell them how these comments are landing on you.

If it doesn't help, stop sharing so much. Say thanks when you get the blanket and that's it. Stop telling them about camp. Etc.

[Anonymous]

My mom was the same way. Nothing worked until I began repeating the magic phrase: you effed up your kids, let me eff up mine. Three repetitions were enough, I think.