Do your parents consider your choices to be judgments against them?

[Anonymous]

My parents had a very traditional family structure. My dad worked. My mom SAH and did all childcare, cooking and cleaning.

As an adult, I chose to get a degree and a job and work. My mother is super defensive that I choose to be a working mom. She very much acts like I'm judging her and her choices by just living my life. Loads of defensive comments. She's also super defensive that my husband cooks, cleans and helps with the kids, either accusing me of being a bad mom or putting too much on my DH, as "he has to work to support the family and needs his downtime." (As if I don't work too.)

My dad is similar, but with finances. We were always stretched growing up on one income, while my husband and I have more cushion with two salaries. He's very defensive about money, constantly explaining how we could improve our finances.

It's the same thing with our parenting too. At one point my mother bought me baby blankets to use because "[grandchild's] crib looks too bare and not cozy." I explained that you're not supposed to put blankets in with infants because of the risk of SIDS, but thanked her stating I'd use them for the stroller and tummy time. She got supper defensive and the retorted, "Well you survived my parenting." Rinse and repeat with car seat usage. I insist my kids ride in car seats and refused to bring my infant home from my hospital in my arms. Apparently I survived that too.

Now that my kids are older it's just shifted and I hear how sad my mom is that my kids don't get to spend the whole summer at home with their mom. Instead, they were perfectly happy doing interesting camps that they picked. Any mention of the camp the kids are doing that week and she gets defensive, possibly recalling how I begged and begged to go to camp as a kid.

According to my parents, I must think they're bad parents because I'm not making the same choices they did. Is this just my parents? Any suggestions for making my very existence and normal parenting choices appear to be less of a judgment on their choices? I really don't think of it that way--I'm just making the best choices I can for me and my family--so their comments often catch me off guard.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know but my mother (and MIL to a lesser extent) are the same way. It drives me insane. I don’t judge them for making different choices! But at the same time I’m allowed to be my own person and make different decisions for my family. Very frustrating.

[Anonymous]

Did they do everything the same as their parents? That might be a good starting point for a new conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did they do everything the same as their parents? That might be a good starting point for a new conversation.

I'm sure there were some changes, but a lot was similar. The dad was the breadwinner and the mom SAH. Our family operates in a fundamentally different way.

We were visiting and my mom stopped my DH from putting on our toddler's shoes to go outside, telling him that I could do it. Why? Because my father did zero childcare his whole life. I'm sure my grandmother would have been the same way. Men weren't to care for kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did they do everything the same as their parents? That might be a good starting point for a new conversation.

NP - I think that's actually the problem, they do judge their parents.

Sorry OP, I'm dealing with that too. For me it's our choice of where to live (not near them) because of schools. They scraped to be able to send me to those schools so why can't my kids go too? Etc.

[Anonymous]

It’s so hard and I’m sympathetic, but the only way to deal with this is to choose not to engage. Don’t tell her about camps or about how your husband made dinner. Completely ignore her if she tells your husband to stop putting his child’s shoes on. Let her talk and talk and do not respond. If criticism of you becomes personal and direct, say I’m so sorry but we have to go now. Don’t add fuel to this fire.

[Anonymous]

You need to tell them MUCH less information. When she gives a blanket, just say thank you. No need for the lecture about SIDS .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did they do everything the same as their parents? That might be a good starting point for a new conversation.

This assumes your parents are self aware and logical.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to tell them MUCH less information. When she gives a blanket, just say thank you. No need for the lecture about SIDS .

Yeah, that explanation was because she'd come to visit and help with the newborn. I had to make sure she wasn't going to use the blankets in the crib.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did they do everything the same as their parents? That might be a good starting point for a new conversation.

+1

My mom would claim that she did the same for us (meaning my siblings and I) regarding things that did not even exist at the time - which I am now able to do for my children. After about the tenth time, I just went ahead and gave her that piece of information. It felt good.

[Anonymous]

My mom didn't even have a high school diploma and became a SAHM in her teen years but me, my sisters and sister in laws, went to college and professional/grad schools and some of us chose to work and others became SAHMs. My mom has come a long way and is supportive to all of us. She is happy for us to have choices she didn't get. How we live our lives isn't a judgement of her, its adaptation to our circumstances and preferences.

[Anonymous]

OP, why are you so so judgmental and critical of her? You are no different than her even with all of your worldly wisdom and professional enlightenment?

You two are from different generations, grew up under different circumstances, have different IQ and EQ, rise above and be a better person. Talk to her like adults and tell her that you respect her intentions to help and advise but you rather live your live your own way and can use her support with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to tell them MUCH less information. When she gives a blanket, just say thank you. No need for the lecture about SIDS .

Yeah, that explanation was because she'd come to visit and help with the newborn. I had to make sure she wasn't going to use the blankets in the crib.

When you get free help, you get free advice as well. Either have the emotional bandwidth to make her understand your point of view or hire paid help whom you can openly criticize and dictate.

[Anonymous]

Honestly I think your judgment of how you were raised is, in fact, shining through. You present it as neutral but I suspect they’re getting the vibe that you’re judging them because you are. Eg still a bit bitter you didn’t get sent to camp.

[Anonymous]

Yup. OP, just from a short post, its obvious that you think you are oh so intelligent, wise, modern, competent and arrogant. How are you any better than her?