Bummed about being rejected from 5th choice school?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD got into her dream school. She moves in soon, and she's quite happy. Problem is, she can't seem to shake the fact she was rejected from her 5th choice school. I am certain this is because that school was the most selective of the bunch by far. Anything I can say to her to help her shake that off? Or will school starting help?

Note that the replies posted so far are based on the assumption that your daughter is doing OK and just has a mildly bruised ego.

Given how expensive college is and how hard college can be, it might be worthwhile to be a little paranoid about your daughter’s mental health.

If you think she’s really more anxious, depressed or otherwise messed up than other kids you know, maybe it would be worth it to see if you can arrange for her to have tutoring or telehealth counseling in place from the start, and maybe it would be good to understand what would happen to her financial aid if she dropped one or two classes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD got into her dream school. She moves in soon, and she's quite happy. Problem is, she can't seem to shake the fact she was rejected from her 5th choice school. I am certain this is because that school was the most selective of the bunch by far. Anything I can say to her to help her shake that off? Or will school starting help?

Note that the replies posted so far are based on the assumption that your daughter is doing OK and just has a mildly bruised ego.

Given how expensive college is and how hard college can be, it might be worthwhile to be a little paranoid about your daughter’s mental health.

If you think she’s really more anxious, depressed or otherwise messed up than other kids you know, maybe it would be worth it to see if you can arrange for her to have tutoring or telehealth counseling in place from the start, and maybe it would be good to understand what would happen to her financial aid if she dropped one or two classes.

This is nice and everything (I recognize that it comes from a good place)- but I feel like the parent is just afraid to step up and tell it like it is.

Q? Who said anything about a financial aid package being at play?

But sure, if the parent has tried unsuccessfully to help the child to mange their thought process and to direct their internal mental messaging in a more healthy manner - then get therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm very blunt with my kids. I'd be clear and firm about the need to shake it off in light of her good fortune!

you need to validate your kids feelings and not just dismiss them. You are not them, they are not you, understand their feelings, they might not have the capacity at 18 to just shake it off

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Since she hasn't actually started college yet, she's still in a place where the school that rejected her is as real as the college she'll actually attend. That will change the instant she hits campus. Suddenly, *her* college will be everything she sees and everyone she knows -- as large as life itself. (The college that rejected her, by contrast, will only get smaller and smaller, and will eventually dissolve into a pinprick she'll barely be able to see.)

It's so easy for kids to fixate on things that don't matter at this stage. They're stuck in the waiting place -- college looming but not yet begun -- so there's very little TO fixate on. It's all normal. It's all good. This, too, shall pass.

OR - she will forever in life associate 5th choice college as "the school that rejected her" - regardless of how much she loves her dream school experience. I don't think letting this slide does her any favors in life (this is just one of many such hurdles she will face in life) - where as parents addressing with some blunt realities will add a new voice to her internal narrative that could help not just now, but later too.

[Anonymous]

I thought this was going to be about a kid who got rejected from choices 1 through 5, which would be something to be bummed about. Got 1st choice but not 5th choice? NO sympathy. Stop it, shut up, grow up, forget about everything except the school you’re actually going to attend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm very blunt with my kids. I'd be clear and firm about the need to shake it off in light of her good fortune!

you need to validate your kids feelings and not just dismiss them. You are not them, they are not you, understand their feelings, they might not have the capacity at 18 to just shake it off

There's a way to validate a feeling at be blunt too. Sure, nobody likes how if feels to be rejected - but how you deal with it is more important (especially when it has NO impact on your life and HELPS another person).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I thought this was going to be about a kid who got rejected from choices 1 through 5, which would be something to be bummed about. Got 1st choice but not 5th choice? NO sympathy. Stop it, shut up, grow up, forget about everything except the school you’re actually going to attend.

Right? My kid is at something like their 10th choice college! It happens to be a great school - but it was lower in their list for a variety of reasons. They have moved on and are grateful for the opportunity of an awesome school even though it's not quite what they had hoped for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm very blunt with my kids. I'd be clear and firm about the need to shake it off in light of her good fortune!

you need to validate your kids feelings and not just dismiss them. You are not them, they are not you, understand their feelings, they might not have the capacity at 18 to just shake it off

There's a way to validate a feeling at be blunt too. Sure, nobody likes how if feels to be rejected - but how you deal with it is more important (especially when it has NO impact on your life and HELPS another person).

+1 and other kids have ended up far from their dream schools.

[Anonymous]

She's going to be one of those women who gets a boyfriend or husband, and flirts with other guys just so she can reject them, or get upset if they reject her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Since she hasn't actually started college yet, she's still in a place where the school that rejected her is as real as the college she'll actually attend. That will change the instant she hits campus. Suddenly, *her* college will be everything she sees and everyone she knows -- as large as life itself. (The college that rejected her, by contrast, will only get smaller and smaller, and will eventually dissolve into a pinprick she'll barely be able to see.)

It's so easy for kids to fixate on things that don't matter at this stage. They're stuck in the waiting place -- college looming but not yet begun -- so there's very little TO fixate on. It's all normal. It's all good. This, too, shall pass.

OR - she will forever in life associate 5th choice college as "the school that rejected her" - regardless of how much she loves her dream school experience. I don't think letting this slide does her any favors in life (this is just one of many such hurdles she will face in life) - where as parents addressing with some blunt realities will add a new voice to her internal narrative that could help not just now, but later too.

The hurdle is her Main Character Syndrome and obsession with irrelevant external validation. She needs to overcome that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's going to be one of those women who gets a boyfriend or husband, and flirts with other guys just so she can reject them, or get upset if they reject her.

Eh? Where are you in your own personal life where this is what you thought?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I thought this was going to be about a kid who got rejected from choices 1 through 5, which would be something to be bummed about. Got 1st choice but not 5th choice? NO sympathy. Stop it, shut up, grow up, forget about everything except the school you’re actually going to attend.

This, I can’t believe op treats this as remotely acceptable behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm very blunt with my kids. I'd be clear and firm about the need to shake it off in light of her good fortune!

you need to validate your kids feelings and not just dismiss them. You are not them, they are not you, understand their feelings, they might not have the capacity at 18 to just shake it off

It's the 2nd line of the song!
"Got nothing in my brain / That's what people say"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD got into her dream school. She moves in soon, and she's quite happy. Problem is, she can't seem to shake the fact she was rejected from her 5th choice school. I am certain this is because that school was the most selective of the bunch by far. Anything I can say to her to help her shake that off? Or will school starting help?

Note that the replies posted so far are based on the assumption that your daughter is doing OK and just has a mildly bruised ego.

Given how expensive college is and how hard college can be, it might be worthwhile to be a little paranoid about your daughter’s mental health.

If you think she’s really more anxious, depressed or otherwise messed up than other kids you know, maybe it would be worth it to see if you can arrange for her to have tutoring or telehealth counseling in place from the start, and maybe it would be good to understand what would happen to her financial aid if she dropped one or two classes.

Good point. She should defer college attendance until she stops feeling that the only life worth living is one where she is better than everyone else.

Was she valedictorian at her high school? How did she cope with not being #1 up til now?

[Anonymous]

She should go on a Mormon mission or get a door-to-door sales gig, so she can learn to handle rejection.