What’s it like being married?

[Anonymous]

You say you don’t plan on having kids - but you’re getting married. So you’ll have at least one big kid, who after marriage suddenly becomes incapable of managing many of the household management and basic tasks that he was able to manage before he locked you in.

Or maybe you’ll get lucky and be like all the DCUM wives who have super egalitarian marriages with husbands who always step up at least 50% of the time. *snicker*

[Anonymous]

Married a little over 6 years and together for almost 7.5. We have two crazy rescue dogs and three amazing kids (3 under 5). We both work in big-ish jobs (I make $340 and he makes $430) and are 35 and 39. It’s hard balancing everything right now, but we have a great sex life and communicate really well. We are on the same page about everything- all things money, family, kids, career, working out, etc. If you are self aware and committed to working on yourself and marry someone similar you will be fine.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know how any marriage survives children. Mine didn’t. So taking that out of the equation should be smooth sailing.

[Anonymous]

I admire couples without children who stay married. I just can’t imagine choosing to stay every single day, through every argument and annoyance without the impetus of kids.

Think of your partner’s two most annoying habits, add a third you don’t even know about yet, increase the annoyance by a hundred, imagine them doing these things every single day (and that’s assuming their basic personality does not get worse!). In other words, right now is the best the relationship will ever be. If you ever find yourself thinking, he’s so great except for….don’t do it!

[Anonymous]

My wife hates me and I don't know why
My wife yells at my kids because they remind her of me
But you're not having kids, so this doesn't apply

[Anonymous]

There's a lot of things to negotiate. Are you on the same page about money, where to live, what kind of job, how many hours you work, how you spend your free time? Do they have good relationships with their kids and their family members?

Do you like doing the same things?

Sometimes people change and they aren't exactly the way they were when you got married. Think addiction, falling in love with another person, no longer wanted to get married. If they are divorced, odds of getting divorced again are higher for 2nd or 3rd marriages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You say you don’t plan on having kids - but you’re getting married. So you’ll have at least one big kid, who after marriage suddenly becomes incapable of managing many of the household management and basic tasks that he was able to manage before he locked you in.

Or maybe you’ll get lucky and be like all the DCUM wives who have super egalitarian marriages with husbands who always step up at least 50% of the time. *snicker*

Bitter much?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People always say that marriage takes work. OUTSIDE OF KIDS, because I don’t plan on having kids and his children are grown, what is the work? What does it look like? And what are the good and challenging parts of marriage?

For me, it's house-work. I have to pick up, cook, do dishes, clean, and shop for 1 additional adult. Like his mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife hates me and I don't know why
My wife yells at my kids because they remind her of me
But you're not having kids, so this doesn't apply

Nice tercet. Your wife probably doesn’t hate you- it’s likely she is frustrated with her own inability to afford/create this “perfect” life she feels she deserves and does a poor job of emotional regulation. Take the kids with you to family therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People always say that marriage takes work. OUTSIDE OF KIDS, because I don’t plan on having kids and his children are grown, what is the work? What does it look like? And what are the good and challenging parts of marriage?

His kids, though grown, are still his kids, and you would become their stepmother. How are you going to respond when he wants to be generous financially toward them? Are you going to enjoy joining them for the vacations his kids like to go on because they're family traditions? Are you going to be an active and enthusiastic grandmother to their children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know how any marriage survives children. Mine didn’t. So taking that out of the equation should be smooth sailing.

Well, mine sucked before kids came along so…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have been together 20 years and married for 6. For us, the "work" part of marriage is just weathering the storms together. Probably the most work has been dealing with an awful couple of years of depression on my part -- it took its toll on the relationship. I wasn't a good partner because I couldn't be, and he got exhausted pretty quickly trying to fix something he couldn't fix. You also need to be able to compromise, and to give each other space to grow. That all takes work.

Other than that, though, it's been pretty easy tbh. We are crazy about each other and have always treated each other well. Given how long we had been together before we married, and the fact that we had already lived together for years and owned a home together and had a dog together, I pretty much knew what I was getting into with marriage and that it was a good thing.

Why were you together for 14 years before finally getting married? Strange. Why bother at that point?

[Anonymous]

So many weirdos posting negativity about marriage.

If you truly like the person, getting married is nothing but fun and upside. Having kids is hard and stresses any marriage, but apart from that little thing, being married is wonderful and so much better than the alternative.

-happily married guy of 15+ years with multiple kids.

[Anonymous]

Omg this thread is so nasty and bitter. I am married without kids and it is awesome. Like a permanent sleepover with my best friend. No idea how it happened but we are super simpatico and going through life together is actually quite fun. The hard part is the random curveballs that life throws at you—but at least you guys are on the same team and battling them together.

I never lived with anyone (besides roommates) prior to marriage, and while there was a small adjustment period in the very beginning, it is way easier than I thought it was going to be. He is not a “big kid” and we have sex about 4 times a week.

[Anonymous]

Married for 10, together for 14. I don't find marriage a lot of work at all. We still have a great sex life. There isn't constant negotiation and compromise. For me, marriage is knowing I have someone in my corner. Its working a stressful shift and coming home and finding comfort in a hug from DH. Its having someone send me funny videos or stories because he knows it will put a smile on my face. Its just having someone who I love spending time with and who makes my life happier and easier.