Anyone else here having a full blown midlife/ existential crisis?

[Anonymous]

Op, I love your post. I feel the same way. Maybe it’s the human condition. I don’t know your age, but apparently happiness reaches a nadir in one’s late 40s.

There’s a substack called Oldster that has a feature where they ask older folks a set of questions about their lives, hopes, and feelings about aging. People seem to get a lot more content with things as they get older, so there’s that to look forward to.

[Anonymous]

Yep at 45. Not feeling like I've accomplished nearly enough in my career. Disappointed in my marriage, but muddling through. Doing okay as a parent, but just a few short years left before they start leaving for college. Anxiety is part of perimenopause, is that this? Or is this an innate midlife wake up call to reset now on the "right" course.

I'm approaching it in the usual way to deep dive on reading. The U Curve of midlife (https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2014/12/the-real-roots-of-midlife-crisis/382235/) is maybe debunked (https://theconversation.com/the-u-shaped-happiness-curve-is-wrong-many-people-do-not-get-happier-as-they-get-older-189490), but it definitely feels like the nadir of mine. Do we see this as an opportunity to live our most authentic life or just lower expectations.

Planning to pro/con MHT with my doctor this month. No tips, just here with you OP.

[Anonymous]

Op - that’s the thing. It’s no longer ‘where will I bring up my kids? What do I want for that? Everything building towards marriage and parenting. It’s now. So if it isn’t how I want it to be then I have to fix it fast. And suddenly death feels really real. But then the reality of having to sit in endless, painful meetings just to try to afford to exist clashes with that and it feels like this seismic tension and deep sadness of knowing, suddenly fully - that life is very finite. But being stuck incapable of doing anything to embrace that reality

[Anonymous]

I definitely hear you on this. It’s scary to think about getting older, whether there will be enough money for retirement. There are too many tradeoffs: you can or need to work many hours but then you miss spending time with the kids; you spend for their college but then what about your own retirement. We can only pray we made the right choices.

[Anonymous]

yes! my only is about to start high school and then he’ll be off to college. I’m a single mom and can’t afford our beloved house after child support is done. these last few weeks i just look around at all the memories we’ve had here and i become very emotional. i don’t know how i’m going to do this these next 4 years!

[Anonymous]

I think about all of these things. I don't feel like it's a crisis though, not anymore than any other age's crisis, and I don't know that it's healthy to label it as such.
Thank you to the person who pointed out the Oldster substack - the one article I've read so far is worthwhile.
I think we should all keep talking about all of these things. Like so many other pieces of life that folks are traditionally supposed to "grin and bear" - I think that talking about them helps bring the issues to the forefront and perhaps even make them easier to bear.
Let's do this - and support each other through these times and others in our lives.

[Anonymous]

You are not alone! 80% of my midlife thoughts are about my job, though.

I've spent 20+ years sitting in front of a computer.... am I really going to spend the next 20 years doing the same?? Did I screw up by going the flexible, mommy-track route, since it seems the higher ups make 5x the salary for a fraction of the work that I do?

We have some options so I'm considering taking a year off, but I know it will be so hard to look for a job as a woman in my mid-forties that I'm scared of stepping away.

[Anonymous]

+1 to everything all of you have said. I’m so glad I’m not alone in these thoughts. I actually feel much better having discovered this thread as sometimes I look around and feel like everyone else has it all together and is on easy street. Or they just “figured it out and settled down” sooner than I did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is the script that I basically fall asleep to.

The house thing is the most trivial but the most haunting and a good way to manage the insomnia that comes from the other thoughts. Sometimes I google houses or acquaintances to try to figure out where all the house money came from. I was surprised by how many people “bought” their parents’ houses and how many people have very, very rich grandparents. Tip: don’t buy your house with a LLC but then give it a cutesy name that’s obviously your kids’ initials. But once you eliminate those people there are still a ton of houses for which the math doesn’t make sense!

Part of my existential crisis is realizing that there are so many parts of the world that are hidden to me and that I’ll never understand. I grew up in a place where every house looked basically the same and the richest people were doctors making $200k/year. I had no idea there were professions or incomes behind that until college. Not even kidding. What else might I have missed along the way?!

Every. Single. Night….

[Anonymous]

Big hugs, OP. I am going through exactly the same thing.

I fantasize a lot about starting a new life with a new significant other. Which is classically stupid, I suppose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Big hugs, OP. I am going through exactly the same thing.

I fantasize a lot about starting a new life with a new significant other. Which is classically stupid, I suppose.

Me again. To women wondering why they feel like this in their 40s, I think the main reason is hormonal fluctuations of perimenopause (even though cycles might still seem exactly the same as before). Hormone variations do SUCH a number on you.

[Anonymous]

You are not alone. Except I am full of guilt and regret and worry about my child, and I must be considerably more wizened than you. Like 100% more wizened.

Hugs to you.

[Anonymous]

Same, OP. Same.

[Anonymous]

Same. I feel okay ish about some things but deeply dissatisfied with others, and I feel like I have to make some decisions soon while the making is still good.

[Anonymous]

This all spoke to me!