Elderly Parents- Caregiver Options

[Anonymous]

Are you in charge of their finances and do you have medical and financial POA? Do they have a will? If I were you I would get involved and see exactly what their finances are, etc. It's not common, but do they have a long term care policy or life insurance policy? Make sure their estate planning is done.

You may have to start spending their assets because you have no other choice. Then once those run out you can apply for Medicaid. Unfortunately, aside from paying yourself I don't think there is another choice.

Assisted living places are expensive, but how much is their house worth? I would tour some places just to get a feel for them and the costs. Then if you have to move them you know roughly the costs and which one is the nicest.

Is there anyone else that can help out like friends/family?

[Anonymous]

OP, sorry you find yourself at this juncture. It's so hard, and one that too many families are at. How old are your parents? A hospital social worker or nurse navigator can help explore options. They may also be better at explaining to your parents the risks and benefits of the choices in front of them. Your parents may listen and hear better from someone who is not their child. Rest assured that this will not be the first time these social workers have dealt with this elder care situation. You may need to have a meeting with your parents and a social worker where your own needs are explaining, your own need to work. Meanwhile, do what you can to take of yourself. At this point, you are your parents support structure. Taking care of yourself is not selfish. Taking care of yourself is also taking care of them. Caregiver burn out is real and detrimental. It can be very difficult to bounce back from. I know that this is easier said than done. Elder care forces us to burn the candle at both ends and then come up with a third and fourth end. I think there is so little awareness of the lack of publicly-funded eldercare. So many people believe that Medicare or Medicaid will pay for in home care or assisted living. When people don't have that kind of money, and there's no one to provide daily support, then what? It's a crisis, and it's not just you. Really rooting for you, OP. Please let us know how things progress.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, sorry you find yourself at this juncture. It's so hard, and one that too many families are at. How old are your parents? A hospital social worker or nurse navigator can help explore options. They may also be better at explaining to your parents the risks and benefits of the choices in front of them. Your parents may listen and hear better from someone who is not their child. Rest assured that this will not be the first time these social workers have dealt with this elder care situation. You may need to have a meeting with your parents and a social worker where your own needs are explaining, your own need to work. Meanwhile, do what you can to take of yourself. At this point, you are your parents support structure. Taking care of yourself is not selfish. Taking care of yourself is also taking care of them. Caregiver burn out is real and detrimental. It can be very difficult to bounce back from. I know that this is easier said than done. Elder care forces us to burn the candle at both ends and then come up with a third and fourth end. I think there is so little awareness of the lack of publicly-funded eldercare. So many people believe that Medicare or Medicaid will pay for in home care or assisted living. When people don't have that kind of money, and there's no one to provide daily support, then what? It's a crisis, and it's not just you. Really rooting for you, OP. Please let us know how things progress.

Yes. People talk about "donut-hole families" with financial aid for college, and there's some truth to it, but with elder care there's this HUGE swath of families in between qualifying for Medicaid and just having enough money to be able to pay for as much care as you need. Like the majority of people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, sorry you find yourself at this juncture. It's so hard, and one that too many families are at. How old are your parents? A hospital social worker or nurse navigator can help explore options. They may also be better at explaining to your parents the risks and benefits of the choices in front of them. Your parents may listen and hear better from someone who is not their child. Rest assured that this will not be the first time these social workers have dealt with this elder care situation. You may need to have a meeting with your parents and a social worker where your own needs are explaining, your own need to work. Meanwhile, do what you can to take of yourself. At this point, you are your parents support structure. Taking care of yourself is not selfish. Taking care of yourself is also taking care of them. Caregiver burn out is real and detrimental. It can be very difficult to bounce back from. I know that this is easier said than done. Elder care forces us to burn the candle at both ends and then come up with a third and fourth end. I think there is so little awareness of the lack of publicly-funded eldercare. So many people believe that Medicare or Medicaid will pay for in home care or assisted living. When people don't have that kind of money, and there's no one to provide daily support, then what? It's a crisis, and it's not just you. Really rooting for you, OP. Please let us know how things progress.

Yes. People talk about "donut-hole families" with financial aid for college, and there's some truth to it, but with elder care there's this HUGE swath of families in between qualifying for Medicaid and just having enough money to be able to pay for as much care as you need. Like the majority of people.

PP, can you please parse that a little more - what do you mean by "just having enough money to pay for as much care as you need"?

Thanks.

[Anonymous]

Not the PP, but I think they mean, "simply having so much money in the bank that you can just pay cash for whatever care you or your elder needs."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, sorry you find yourself at this juncture. It's so hard, and one that too many families are at. How old are your parents? A hospital social worker or nurse navigator can help explore options. They may also be better at explaining to your parents the risks and benefits of the choices in front of them. Your parents may listen and hear better from someone who is not their child. Rest assured that this will not be the first time these social workers have dealt with this elder care situation. You may need to have a meeting with your parents and a social worker where your own needs are explaining, your own need to work. Meanwhile, do what you can to take of yourself. At this point, you are your parents support structure. Taking care of yourself is not selfish. Taking care of yourself is also taking care of them. Caregiver burn out is real and detrimental. It can be very difficult to bounce back from. I know that this is easier said than done. Elder care forces us to burn the candle at both ends and then come up with a third and fourth end. I think there is so little awareness of the lack of publicly-funded eldercare. So many people believe that Medicare or Medicaid will pay for in home care or assisted living. When people don't have that kind of money, and there's no one to provide daily support, then what? It's a crisis, and it's not just you. Really rooting for you, OP. Please let us know how things progress.

Yes. People talk about "donut-hole families" with financial aid for college, and there's some truth to it, but with elder care there's this HUGE swath of families in between qualifying for Medicaid and just having enough money to be able to pay for as much care as you need. Like the majority of people.

PP, can you please parse that a little more - what do you mean by "just having enough money to pay for as much care as you need"?

Thanks.

Meaning having an actual spare $1 million lying around that you wouldn't miss that you can spend on however many years of nursing home/AL/home care you need.

[Anonymous]

Do they own their home?

You might consider whether a reverse mortgage would free up some capital to hire aides. It's not an ideal option -- they will have to pay interest and fees to the lender.

Here is more info about how reverse mortgages work: https://www.consumerfinance.gov/ask-cfpb/what-is-a-reverse-mortgage-en-224/

Good luck, OP. This is a situation we all dread. Often there are no good options.

[Anonymous]

Were either of your parents in the military? Military benefits could help.

[Anonymous]

Rehab professional here with my own rapidly aging parents. I don't know the ages and diagnoses of your parents, but I can tell you from professional and personal experience that this is the time in life where things get very expensive if people want to maintain any quality of life at home or in a facility. There is going to be a lot of labor, money, and stress involved to keep them going with any independence. Admitting this, at least to yourself if they are unable to accept it, will help you to see what is beyond your ability and allow you to not put your own health and finances in jeopardy as you go through the process.
Home health PT, OT and SLP can only do so much and their goal will be to get your parent as independent as they can be and then train caregivers/aids to perform the tasks safely and then discharge. Being in a rural area makes finding reliable caregivers difficult even if money is available. Plan to spend money above what home health agencies pay to find and retain reliable caregivers, and start looking for assisted living facilities for when they need almost 24-hour care. I'm sorry, it's just hard.

[Anonymous]

Has anyone used Visiting Angels? I'm looking for home care for a family member. She is end stage cancer, 83years old, and needs help with hygiene. Her husband and sons are not able to assist (I don't think she wants them doing this work). She wants to maintain some dignity. She is willing to pay out of pocket, but I'm trying to get her insurance information to see what it may cover. We are in DC. She is over the income level for government assistance

[Anonymous]

11:22, the DC organizations Iona and Seabury Resources for Aging might help you arrange care for your relative. It's very kind of you to help. I wish you and your family well.
(I don't know if Iona or Seabury assist people outside of DC, but if not, maybe they could refer folks on this thread to similar helpful organizations in their area.)
Good luck to you all. Elder care is a real rubicon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, sorry you find yourself at this juncture. It's so hard, and one that too many families are at. How old are your parents? A hospital social worker or nurse navigator can help explore options. They may also be better at explaining to your parents the risks and benefits of the choices in front of them. Your parents may listen and hear better from someone who is not their child. Rest assured that this will not be the first time these social workers have dealt with this elder care situation. You may need to have a meeting with your parents and a social worker where your own needs are explaining, your own need to work. Meanwhile, do what you can to take of yourself. At this point, you are your parents support structure. Taking care of yourself is not selfish. Taking care of yourself is also taking care of them. Caregiver burn out is real and detrimental. It can be very difficult to bounce back from. I know that this is easier said than done. Elder care forces us to burn the candle at both ends and then come up with a third and fourth end. I think there is so little awareness of the lack of publicly-funded eldercare. So many people believe that Medicare or Medicaid will pay for in home care or assisted living. When people don't have that kind of money, and there's no one to provide daily support, then what? It's a crisis, and it's not just you. Really rooting for you, OP. Please let us know how things progress.

Yes. People talk about "donut-hole families" with financial aid for college, and there's some truth to it, but with elder care there's this HUGE swath of families in between qualifying for Medicaid and just having enough money to be able to pay for as much care as you need. Like the majority of people.

PP, can you please parse that a little more - what do you mean by "just having enough money to pay for as much care as you need"?

Thanks.

Meaning having an actual spare $1 million lying around that you wouldn't miss that you can spend on however many years of nursing home/AL/home care you need.

That doesn't sound like a donut hole....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, sorry you find yourself at this juncture. It's so hard, and one that too many families are at. How old are your parents? A hospital social worker or nurse navigator can help explore options. They may also be better at explaining to your parents the risks and benefits of the choices in front of them. Your parents may listen and hear better from someone who is not their child. Rest assured that this will not be the first time these social workers have dealt with this elder care situation. You may need to have a meeting with your parents and a social worker where your own needs are explaining, your own need to work. Meanwhile, do what you can to take of yourself. At this point, you are your parents support structure. Taking care of yourself is not selfish. Taking care of yourself is also taking care of them. Caregiver burn out is real and detrimental. It can be very difficult to bounce back from. I know that this is easier said than done. Elder care forces us to burn the candle at both ends and then come up with a third and fourth end. I think there is so little awareness of the lack of publicly-funded eldercare. So many people believe that Medicare or Medicaid will pay for in home care or assisted living. When people don't have that kind of money, and there's no one to provide daily support, then what? It's a crisis, and it's not just you. Really rooting for you, OP. Please let us know how things progress.

Yes. People talk about "donut-hole families" with financial aid for college, and there's some truth to it, but with elder care there's this HUGE swath of families in between qualifying for Medicaid and just having enough money to be able to pay for as much care as you need. Like the majority of people.

PP, can you please parse that a little more - what do you mean by "just having enough money to pay for as much care as you need"?

Thanks.

Meaning having an actual spare $1 million lying around that you wouldn't miss that you can spend on however many years of nursing home/AL/home care you need.

That doesn't sound like a donut hole....

Not any of the PPs, but I think what they mean is that most of us are donut hole because we make too much to qualify for Medicaid but make too little to be able to afford to pay cash for elder care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents also want to stay at home and were extremely resistant to inpatient rehab after an illness. But it simply was not safe for my dad to come home with my elderly mother as his caregiver. So he reluctantly went to inpatient rehab. And he got so amazingly better that soon he was at home taking long walks every day. The goal of short stay inpatient rehab is to actually rehabilitate people. Your parents may see this as one step towards a nursing home, but if they understand that it is time limited and that he could improve to stay independent longer maybe they would accept it.

I also think that your parents are adults and while we want to take care of them and give them the best care possible, sometimes people have to be confronted with reality to make needed changes. Of course it is more comfortable for them to stay at home with no caregiver but them but you have your life to live. It’s hard but I had to walk away and leave my parents in the house knowing that they were accepting a level of risk that would not be what I would choose for them. It wasn’t to the point where I would call adult protective services but I did not like it. But I also did not let myself feel any guilt because they had options, and they could’ve planned their lives differently, and if they want to live like independent adults then they have to be able to act like independent adults. I’m sorry, I really feel for you, eldercare in this country totally is messed up and it’s hard.

If you’re in NOVA, which facility dumps your Dad go to?

[Anonymous]

I'd be careful with inpatient rehab and only go if it is truly necessary. Most aren't masking anymore. I know three people that got covid in rehab. One is ok, one died, and one couldn't get paxlovid and has long term effects that means his care is even more expensive because he is more disabled. So, rehab could lead to more issues.

What exactly does your dad need help with?

It's a HUGE blessing that they are mentally ok. That means they can interact with and help manage whoever comes in to help you.