Elderly Parents- Caregiver Options

[Anonymous]

My parents are both elderly and need assistance. At this time, they both want to stay at home and honestly, I think that’s the best for them mentally. They have physical issues, but mentally they are both with it enough that going to a nursing home would destroy them. They don’t have the money for assisted living or really a daily caregiver. I am their caregiver and also work full time. Lately, things have been tricky due to sudden illness with my Dad, he’s very weak and needs more assistance than normal and he refuses to go into inpatient rehab, he will be doing PT and OT at home. But, I need help and I need to go back to work. I’m not sure what to do? In a perfect world, I would find a daily caregiver to come in while I’m at work but we just don’t have the money for that. I am not eligible for FMLA or I would take that for a few weeks. Has anyone else been in this position and if so, what did you do? Btw, I am an only child, siblings is not an option.

Please no snarky, nasty comments. It’s been an extremely long few weeks and I’m asking for real, sincere advice.

[Anonymous]

Is there an elderly day program near you? Often they will have a cost scale based on your finances and it can very affordable. Plus, they do fun activities and try to keep things lively.

[Anonymous]

Has your dad’s illness involved a hospital? What you need is a social worker, and hospitals have them. A social worker can help you figure out what if anything can be paid for by your parents’ insurance.

Unfortunately there’s no way to get home health aides without money. So if you don’t have it, you need to try to work whatever insurance policies are active.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has your dad’s illness involved a hospital? What you need is a social worker, and hospitals have them. A social worker can help you figure out what if anything can be paid for by your parents’ insurance.

Unfortunately there’s no way to get home health aides without money. So if you don’t have it, you need to try to work whatever insurance policies are active.

Yes, he was in the hospital twice. They do have Medicare A & B and a supplemental. I’ll look into that. Thanks

[Anonymous]

I have accounts with two care agencies. They have 3 hour minimums.

We are currently paying $32 per hour in rural Maryland.

Could you get outside help maybe twice a week for the 3 hour minimum?

[Anonymous]

If your parents are indigent they may be able to get home health caregivers paid by the government.

I have a private duty caregiver that we pay for but the caregiver told me that her mother who is late 50's and indigent gets free caregivers that come to her house paid for by the government. She told me her mother is morbidly obese and wheel chair bound or scooter bound.

I don't know the details on this but I would ask your doctor or social worker.

[Anonymous]

OP,

Can you hire a once a month cleaning service?

When the scrip runs out for the PT and OT keep having the doctor renew.

Buy tv dinners and easy prep foods.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your parents are indigent they may be able to get home health caregivers paid by the government.

I have a private duty caregiver that we pay for but the caregiver told me that her mother who is late 50's and indigent gets free caregivers that come to her house paid for by the government. She told me her mother is morbidly obese and wheel chair bound or scooter bound.

I don't know the details on this but I would ask your doctor or social worker.

No, they are not indigent. They just don’t have a lot of extra money to pay for a daily caregiver everyday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have accounts with two care agencies. They have 3 hour minimums.

We are currently paying $32 per hour in rural Maryland.

Could you get outside help maybe twice a week for the 3 hour minimum?

Which agencies do you use?

[Anonymous]

I don’t think their current situation is stable. Their condition will deteriorate sooner than you think. Better start planning for the time when assisted living is the only option.

[Anonymous]

Your father needs inpatient rehab. Call the hospital social worker and see if it’s still possible to send him and have it covered by Medicare. If you cannot be there with him because you need to work, he has to go to rehab because it’s not safe for them to be home alone.

The only other thing I can think of is to ask any distant relatives or church to help out.

[Anonymous]

I agree that if your dad had a sudden illness and has been offered rehab, he should 100% do it - he will get PT/OT everyday not just two days a week. Major difference. He has a much better chance of recovering with more PT/OT. And 20 days are paid by Medicare for rehab and up to 100 days are paid by Medicare for skilled nursing.

The other thing I want to gently say is that while you sound like a great, supportive kid, I don't think it's fair of them to expect or you to expect that you will tank your own life, earning power, etc. to help them stay in their house. Eldercare in our country sucks. Your parents haven't planned well for themselves (I'm sure the current status was not "planned" or their intention.). Find a social worker and figure out how to get them care within their means.

[Anonymous]

I was also going to suggest inpatient rehab. Sometimes it’s the only way to keep them safe. And in the scheme of things it’s a millisecond in their long lives.

My mom went kicking and screaming to rehab after knee surgery and it was a nightmare for me. But she doesn’t remember any of it. At all. So there’s that.

[Anonymous]

My parents also want to stay at home and were extremely resistant to inpatient rehab after an illness. But it simply was not safe for my dad to come home with my elderly mother as his caregiver. So he reluctantly went to inpatient rehab. And he got so amazingly better that soon he was at home taking long walks every day. The goal of short stay inpatient rehab is to actually rehabilitate people. Your parents may see this as one step towards a nursing home, but if they understand that it is time limited and that he could improve to stay independent longer maybe they would accept it.

I also think that your parents are adults and while we want to take care of them and give them the best care possible, sometimes people have to be confronted with reality to make needed changes. Of course it is more comfortable for them to stay at home with no caregiver but them but you have your life to live. It’s hard but I had to walk away and leave my parents in the house knowing that they were accepting a level of risk that would not be what I would choose for them. It wasn’t to the point where I would call adult protective services but I did not like it. But I also did not let myself feel any guilt because they had options, and they could’ve planned their lives differently, and if they want to live like independent adults then they have to be able to act like independent adults. I’m sorry, I really feel for you, eldercare in this country totally is messed up and it’s hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents also want to stay at home and were extremely resistant to inpatient rehab after an illness. But it simply was not safe for my dad to come home with my elderly mother as his caregiver. So he reluctantly went to inpatient rehab. And he got so amazingly better that soon he was at home taking long walks every day. The goal of short stay inpatient rehab is to actually rehabilitate people. Your parents may see this as one step towards a nursing home, but if they understand that it is time limited and that he could improve to stay independent longer maybe they would accept it.

I also think that your parents are adults and while we want to take care of them and give them the best care possible, sometimes people have to be confronted with reality to make needed changes. Of course it is more comfortable for them to stay at home with no caregiver but them but you have your life to live. It’s hard but I had to walk away and leave my parents in the house knowing that they were accepting a level of risk that would not be what I would choose for them. It wasn’t to the point where I would call adult protective services but I did not like it. But I also did not let myself feel any guilt because they had options, and they could’ve planned their lives differently, and if they want to live like independent adults then they have to be able to act like independent adults. I’m sorry, I really feel for you, eldercare in this country totally is messed up and it’s hard.

OP, the PP here offers great insights, both on the benefits of ST rehab and your parents' decision to remain in their home (and the possible consequences thereof). It's unfortunate that you cannot take FMLA etc, but there will be probably be serious LT consequences if you leave the work force to care for your parents. Good luck on next steps here - hope your dad sees that participating in rehab may get him up and around more quickly.