SIL just had a baby and my sister is due in the fall

[Anonymous]

It is really hard. I've been there and I'm sorry. At least these two family members must know what you've been through and should understand if you need some space during this time.

[Anonymous]

If you think “god” has anything to do with it, nobody can help you.

[Anonymous]

They started earlier than you by several years. That makes a difference. Why’d you wait so long?

[Anonymous]

I think it is ok to skip baby showers given your situation. Send a note with a gift.

I bet you will eventually have a child, either thru IVF or adoption. Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it is ok to skip baby showers given your situation. Send a note with a gift.

I bet you will eventually have a child, either thru IVF or adoption. Hang in there.

Also wanted to add I was somewhat in your shoes - wanted marriage and baby - and couldn't attain marriage. Well, I could have, but the two boyfriends who wanted to marry me, I didn't want to marry them. And the two boyfriends I wanted to marry didn't want to marry me. And I did not want to have a child alone (not judging those who do).

And you know what? Now I am 48. And don't have kids or husband. And rent a 600 sq ft apartment. And I am FINE. I am your worst nightmare, and I was my own worst nightmare in my thirties, but it's not a nightmare. It's fine. I am generally happy.

So even if kids doesn't happen, you will be ok, I bet.

In the thirties everyone is newly getting married and buying houses and having kids and everything looks perfect. But then many of those facades start to crack in your forties and you realize, hmm, maybe being childless or not having a husband isn't so bad. Having kids is HARD. And a lot of work.

Please try to enjoy your life at least somewhat while you try to have a child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't know their misfortunes. I'm sorry you're hurting. Focus on your IVF journey and try not to compare with others.

This. I have three kids now. It took me ten years and many heartbreaking losses to get here. Very few people know that about me. Not everyone advertises their problems, and most people have problems.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP. I went through infertility and felt exactly as you did, how it is so unfair. I have no answers for you but wish you well. I will say that misfortune generally makes me more sympathetic people because it opens us up to something we would not understand otherwise. I would not understand you the same way I do now if I did not go through something similar. My friends who didn't go through it will never understand. They say the right words but it's not the same if you never lived it. But I do believe they live through their own struggles that I will never understand. So it is with human lives.

[Anonymous]

It is the hardest thing, OP, I understand. Like others said, you just have to get through it and protect your heart. If you have a close enough relationship, I urge you to tell your sister and SIL how you're feeling. That you love them and are excited for them, but it's just too painful and could they please try not to talk about it around you. Not because you don't care, but because it's what you need to protect yourself right now.

[Anonymous]

You got started later than they did.

But I’d you do have kids, they’ll be different kids than the ones you would have had at 30. Each month you waited, you changed who you would meet. Every mom I know at the end of a long IVF journey says that they love the kids they have, and would do it all over again, if that meant they got these exact kids.

So rest assured, you’ll love whomever shows up—even if you adopt.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry. It's painful sometimes to see other people getting something seemingly effortlessly that you are fighting to get a chance at.

That doesn't mean that they didn't struggle, or won't struggle.

I do suggest therapy, it's really helpful for not comparing your journey to someone elses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is the hardest thing, OP, I understand. Like others said, you just have to get through it and protect your heart. If you have a close enough relationship, I urge you to tell your sister and SIL how you're feeling. That you love them and are excited for them, but it's just too painful and could they please try not to talk about it around you. Not because you don't care, but because it's what you need to protect yourself right now.

OP, if you do this you should also see a therapist. You cannot avoid family forever, and if avoiding celebrating the joy of your loved ones becomes routine, over time you will alienate people. Use avoidance as a stop gap measure only until you can get some help with managing the complex emotions infertility brings. It is important to find a way to grieve and cope that doesn’t make someone else’s blessing all about you and what you are missing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is the hardest thing, OP, I understand. Like others said, you just have to get through it and protect your heart. If you have a close enough relationship, I urge you to tell your sister and SIL how you're feeling. That you love them and are excited for them, but it's just too painful and could they please try not to talk about it around you. Not because you don't care, but because it's what you need to protect yourself right now.

OP, if you do this you should also see a therapist. You cannot avoid family forever, and if avoiding celebrating the joy of your loved ones becomes routine, over time you will alienate people. Use avoidance as a stop gap measure only until you can get some help with managing the complex emotions infertility brings. It is important to find a way to grieve and cope that doesn’t make someone else’s blessing all about you and what you are missing.

She’s in the middle of it right now. The right time to cope and find joy in others is about a year after she finishes treatment herself. Give her a break.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is the hardest thing, OP, I understand. Like others said, you just have to get through it and protect your heart. If you have a close enough relationship, I urge you to tell your sister and SIL how you're feeling. That you love them and are excited for them, but it's just too painful and could they please try not to talk about it around you. Not because you don't care, but because it's what you need to protect yourself right now.

OP, if you do this you should also see a therapist. You cannot avoid family forever, and if avoiding celebrating the joy of your loved ones becomes routine, over time you will alienate people. Use avoidance as a stop gap measure only until you can get some help with managing the complex emotions infertility brings. It is important to find a way to grieve and cope that doesn’t make someone else’s blessing all about you and what you are missing.

She’s in the middle of it right now. The right time to cope and find joy in others is about a year after she finishes treatment herself. Give her a break.

I’m speaking as someone who has been on this road for five years. I’m not shooting from the hip with my advice. The idea that I would put on hold trying to experience joy for others until my treatment is over is ludicrous and a recipe for disaster. Five years and counting, and I’d be sitting in my house alone with my DH (as if years of avoidance are going to make me feel less depressed) How is that solving any problems? I’ve also been around others dealing with infertility (all of whom have subsequently had success)…I’ve seen friends avoid for a little bit, and then some who avoided so much, but then expected everyone to be jumping for joy the minute they had success…well, some people don’t have the bandwidth to switch gears like that. My bigger point is that avoidance is only a temporary band-aid. Establishing a good relationship with a therapist is helpful for many, many women. It allows a safe space for processing without having to take into account everyone else’s feelings (we all have feelings, we all get hurt, we are all entitled to feel that way, and fertile or infertile). For many women, just having that safe space allows them to participate in events that they previously avoided. Thanks to therapy, I have been able to become a doting aunt and godmother. It is not the same as being a mother, but I still get the gift of loving a child.

Maybe you’ve been blessed that there’s an end to your treatment with the outcome you want. Not all of us get that but have had to learn to actually live in this reality or else we’d watch many years pass us by.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is the hardest thing, OP, I understand. Like others said, you just have to get through it and protect your heart. If you have a close enough relationship, I urge you to tell your sister and SIL how you're feeling. That you love them and are excited for them, but it's just too painful and could they please try not to talk about it around you. Not because you don't care, but because it's what you need to protect yourself right now.

OP, if you do this you should also see a therapist. You cannot avoid family forever, and if avoiding celebrating the joy of your loved ones becomes routine, over time you will alienate people. Use avoidance as a stop gap measure only until you can get some help with managing the complex emotions infertility brings. It is important to find a way to grieve and cope that doesn’t make someone else’s blessing all about you and what you are missing.

She’s in the middle of it right now. The right time to cope and find joy in others is about a year after she finishes treatment herself. Give her a break.

I’m speaking as someone who has been on this road for five years. I’m not shooting from the hip with my advice. The idea that I would put on hold trying to experience joy for others until my treatment is over is ludicrous and a recipe for disaster. Five years and counting, and I’d be sitting in my house alone with my DH (as if years of avoidance are going to make me feel less depressed) How is that solving any problems? I’ve also been around others dealing with infertility (all of whom have subsequently had success)…I’ve seen friends avoid for a little bit, and then some who avoided so much, but then expected everyone to be jumping for joy the minute they had success…well, some people don’t have the bandwidth to switch gears like that. My bigger point is that avoidance is only a temporary band-aid. Establishing a good relationship with a therapist is helpful for many, many women. It allows a safe space for processing without having to take into account everyone else’s feelings (we all have feelings, we all get hurt, we are all entitled to feel that way, and fertile or infertile). For many women, just having that safe space allows them to participate in events that they previously avoided. Thanks to therapy, I have been able to become a doting aunt and godmother. It is not the same as being a mother, but I still get the gift of loving a child.

Maybe you’ve been blessed that there’s an end to your treatment with the outcome you want. Not all of us get that but have had to learn to actually live in this reality or else we’d watch many years pass us by.

PP here. Look, I get it. I also spent around 5 years doing IVF, IUIs, and having more miscarriages than you can count on one hand. Now my DH has a vasectomy and that chapter is behind us. It is hard to live with infertility and equally hard to move on from it. I absolutely agree that a good therapist and good meds are essential, but sometimes self care means protecting your heart when it’s just too hard to be there for other people. I got four new nephews in the time we were trying, and nobody gave it a second thought (at least nobody let me know they did) when I told them gently that I wasn’t the right person to kvetch with about pregnancy and baby things. Doesn’t mean you have to isolate yourself for years on end, but it means that you don’t have to feel bad, guilty, or less than for recognizing your own limits and putting your needs first. Whatever that balance looks like for you, me, and OP.

[Anonymous]

Oof, this is a mean thread. I’m sorry OP. I clicked here to say that I was in your shoes (except it was 2 sisters and a SIL) and man it sucked. I didn’t know when I clicked that there would be so many nasty posts. One thing I found challenging was that my family is/was amazing about supporting “good things” like weddings and babies, but was not very good at supporting “bad things” like infertility. So I saw my family members who were having babies get so much support but I really really needed support but didn’t get it.