Is Your DH on the Spectrum Too? How do you Deal?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ladies lets please keep this discussion from devolving into anti-autism invective.

Gents let's goooooo

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DC was recently diagnosed with autism. I've suspected for years that DH is also on the spectrum, but with DC's diagnosis, I'm sure of it. FWIW He now identifies as autistic.

How about you? How do you deal?

Issues I've run across -- DH constantly tells me how hard it is to like DC. I secretly think the same thing about DH, and I resent him for not empathizing more with DC. The things that make her hard are doubled in him. Yet, I love her deeply; I'm not sure he feels the same.

It is hard to teach new skills to DC, especially social ones. DH has no friends and is not a great model. Worse, he models antisocial behavior to DC. So when I try to help DC, she asks why she has to change when dad does not.

What are you seeing in your own lives?

Put the spectrum aside for a moment. What specifically is DH doing that models poor behavior? And how can they improve?

We just had a thread where someone was making a big deal that their kid wasn't looking at parent's face as much as parent wanted, despite frequent attempts to train the kid, so specifics matter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is the conversation that's hard to have on this board because it goes to parents' long-term worries for their children. Tread carefully.

It gives me hope because I think my DH turned out pretty great!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is the conversation that's hard to have on this board because it goes to parents' long-term worries for their children. Tread carefully.

Stop posting that 1,2,3,4x.

Don’t read stuff you want to shove under the rug. Or stay off DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Have you read Tony Attwood’s book? He suggests 3 things:
1- DH has to be diagnosed and accept diagnosis
2- Everyone has to be open and willing to learn
3- Therapy, both individual and couples

I will add a couple other things that help me tremendously:
*spending time with my tight-knit group of girlfriends who enjoy engaging in deep, meaningful conversation and know me inside and out (I often feel misunderstood by DH)
*household help - landscaping, cleaning ladies, regular help with evening childcare (DH leaves most executive tasks to me - planning, organizing, doing most household and parenting tasks. Without regular help
I can count on, I get really resentful.)

My DH also had to learn how to manage anxiety appropriately after decades of using maladaptive coping skills.

If my ASD son chooses to get married and have a family, I will openly discuss these tips with him and his partner. Hopefully they can avoid some of hurtful and traumatic experiences I’ve been through with my DH who didn’t receive a diagnosis or any support until he was 50. My son already has an enormous advantage - diagnosis and a top notch support team - in childhood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is the conversation that's hard to have on this board because it goes to parents' long-term worries for their children. Tread carefully.

Stop posting that 1,2,3,4x.

Don’t read stuff you want to shove under the rug. Or stay off DCUM.

No. The SN board is not the place for unbridled attacks on autistic people (thankfully this thread is steering clear of that).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Same here. My husband and I also realized he is on the spectrum plus adhd when DS was diagnosed. He does not feel sorry or understanding that DS has these diagnosis, and he does not give him any excuses if DS acts like a wild child some days. I don't have energy to deal with DH diagnosis or issues, and that should have been FIL/MIL problem when DH was a child. Other than DH failing on some lazy or basic skills, his social skill causes him problem at work. He is intelligent, has capability to be a manager or a lead in terms of management or technical skills, but his EQ is low. I don't get much mental or physucal support on raising our kids, so I just don't rely on him much.

+1 million.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every Autistic person is different. DD was diagnosed ADHD and then ASD. MIL was told that DH was "borderline Autistic" when he was younger but everyone just laughed it off, except me when my DD was diagnosed the puzzle started coming together. He definitely has social skills issues (doesn't get sarcasm, speaks in half sentences sometimes or needs a translator). But, he's well liked and has several life-long friends from HS and a huge circle of guys he golfs with etc. He also had trouble holding a job until he found the perfect field for him and started his own business. He is very empathic toward our DD, because he gets her like nobody else does. He's got skill deficits for sure - I do all of the cooking, executing, etc. which can get tiring. But he's so loving and sweet that it makes it worth it - he also takes care of EVERYTHING that involves numbers, all of the bill paying, etc. and he has endless patience so he does all of the driving around of the kids who are both now teenagers.

Just saying, for the parents who are worried about the future. Watching my DH and hearing his mother's stories from when he was younger gives me hope for my DD, although she has more mental health issues than he does. He's sort of classic "Asperger's" (early reader, strong in math, loner as a kid), but he somehow learned these social coping skills that have served him well, and for whatever reason he is truly, truly, interested in other people and empathetic. He listens to every single detail people tell him with sincere interest and remembers them (sometimes weirdly do, but ya know). He's also incredibly persistent.

Not to toot my own horn but I think part of his success has been finding the right person who believed in him and appreciated him. His family of origin did not, especially siblings. He was (and is) hard to live with in some ways, but they never found a way to focus on the strengths.

Does being a stay at home parent help when sandwiched between an ASd spouse and ASD child?
I don’t take giving up my 20 yr career, network and education lightly, but doing everything myself seems like a 24/7 job. And I never know what will most help the child be an responsible, independent, productive adult later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is the conversation that's hard to have on this board because it goes to parents' long-term worries for their children. Tread carefully.

Stop posting that 1,2,3,4x.

Don’t read stuff you want to shove under the rug. Or stay off DCUM.

No. The SN board is not the place for unbridled attacks on autistic people (thankfully this thread is steering clear of that).

Thank goodness you warned everyone a few times to not offend parents of SN kids with a SN parent.

[Anonymous]

I have a daughter with severe autism and realized some years ago that my dad was on the spectrum and also my oldest sister. They both would have been diagnosed as high functioning or Aspergers. Both successful in their careers but clueless about people. It caused my mother to become enmeshed with us because dad just couldn't provide the emotional support in their marriage and he was very rigid in how he handled everything. I accepted him as he was and went along with his many systems and perfectionist behaviors. We rarely had company that wasn't immediate family because my dad didn't want to change our routine and was an introvert. Mom went along with it for the most part and then became very angry and resentful at him later in life when she saw how different our married lives were compared to hers. My oldest sister has had a happy marriage but she still cannot read people at all or give her sons good advice about personal matters because she lacks social skills and intuition.

[Anonymous]

There are a lot of good talks and meet up groups in this, including being an Nt child of an AS parent.
Dr Marshacks books and groups are good and offer tons of perspective and coping methods. She had an AS mother, spouse and one daughter, plus was a PhD psychologist when their Dx came in. She then dedicated her practice to AS/NT relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every Autistic person is different. DD was diagnosed ADHD and then ASD. MIL was told that DH was "borderline Autistic" when he was younger but everyone just laughed it off, except me when my DD was diagnosed the puzzle started coming together. He definitely has social skills issues (doesn't get sarcasm, speaks in half sentences sometimes or needs a translator). But, he's well liked and has several life-long friends from HS and a huge circle of guys he golfs with etc. He also had trouble holding a job until he found the perfect field for him and started his own business. He is very empathic toward our DD, because he gets her like nobody else does. He's got skill deficits for sure - I do all of the cooking, executing, etc. which can get tiring. But he's so loving and sweet that it makes it worth it - he also takes care of EVERYTHING that involves numbers, all of the bill paying, etc. and he has endless patience so he does all of the driving around of the kids who are both now teenagers.

Just saying, for the parents who are worried about the future. Watching my DH and hearing his mother's stories from when he was younger gives me hope for my DD, although she has more mental health issues than he does. He's sort of classic "Asperger's" (early reader, strong in math, loner as a kid), but he somehow learned these social coping skills that have served him well, and for whatever reason he is truly, truly, interested in other people and empathetic. He listens to every single detail people tell him with sincere interest and remembers them (sometimes weirdly do, but ya know). He's also incredibly persistent.

Not to toot my own horn but I think part of his success has been finding the right person who believed in him and appreciated him. His family of origin did not, especially siblings. He was (and is) hard to live with in some ways, but they never found a way to focus on the strengths.

Does being a stay at home parent help when sandwiched between an ASd spouse and ASD child?
I don’t take giving up my 20 yr career, network and education lightly, but doing everything myself seems like a 24/7 job. And I never know what will most help the child be an responsible, independent, productive adult later.

This is PP of quoted post, and I don’t know because I work full time. It does feel like a LOT sometimes but my job is relatively low stress and I now work from home full time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is the conversation that's hard to have on this board because it goes to parents' long-term worries for their children. Tread carefully.

Stop posting that 1,2,3,4x.

Don’t read stuff you want to shove under the rug. Or stay off DCUM.

No. The SN board is not the place for unbridled attacks on autistic people (thankfully this thread is steering clear of that).

Thank goodness you warned everyone a few times to not offend parents of SN kids with a SN parent.

DP. Is anyone autistic in this thread?

[Anonymous]

There are some helpful responses here. I am the NT spouse of an autistic spouse with an autistic child. They butt heads a lot because of similarly low thresholds for frustrating experiences and both get dysregulated easily. I am the one who holds it together and our other NT child observes it all with dismay. I worry I am ruining her life! I am starting to feel resentful and yes, couples therapy helps a little but I want to bail 50% of the time but of course that would be disastrous for my kids. It feels that everything I try to teach my kids is undone by my partner who models bad behavior and seems frequently and easily burned out. Any rec's for individual therapists for adults with autism?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are some helpful responses here. I am the NT spouse of an autistic spouse with an autistic child. They butt heads a lot because of similarly low thresholds for frustrating experiences and both get dysregulated easily. I am the one who holds it together and our other NT child observes it all with dismay. I worry I am ruining her life! I am starting to feel resentful and yes, couples therapy helps a little but I want to bail 50% of the time but of course that would be disastrous for my kids. It feels that everything I try to teach my kids is undone by my partner who models bad behavior and seems frequently and easily burned out. Any rec's for individual therapists for adults with autism?

There are many many therapists who specialize in neurodiverse couples. You just have to keep trying them out until you find one you click with. Be prepared to spend a lot of $$$.