Is Your DH on the Spectrum Too? How do you Deal?

[Anonymous]

DC was recently diagnosed with autism. I've suspected for years that DH is also on the spectrum, but with DC's diagnosis, I'm sure of it. FWIW He now identifies as autistic.

How about you? How do you deal?

Issues I've run across -- DH constantly tells me how hard it is to like DC. I secretly think the same thing about DH, and I resent him for not empathizing more with DC. The things that make her hard are doubled in him. Yet, I love her deeply; I'm not sure he feels the same.

It is hard to teach new skills to DC, especially social ones. DH has no friends and is not a great model. Worse, he models antisocial behavior to DC. So when I try to help DC, she asks why she has to change when dad does not.

What are you seeing in your own lives?

[Anonymous]

Yes my husband and I also realized he is on the spectrum when DS was diagnosed. The biggest issue has been that it is tough for him to hold a job longterm- he tries hard but people eventually find him annoying. He is usually good with DS thankfully but can get cranky with him

[Anonymous]

ADHD, so not exactly the same, but I am finding similar challenges and we have only recently realized this is the issue (that husband has undiagnosed ADHD).

Honestly, I’m exhausted. And now I understand why. I’m not sure what I am going to do, but something needs to change.

[Anonymous]

Ladies lets please keep this discussion from devolving into anti-autism invective.

[Anonymous]

Nephew diagnosed. The dad not on spectrum but his dad (nephews grandfather) is on the spectrum.

[Anonymous]

This is the conversation that's hard to have on this board because it goes to parents' long-term worries for their children. Tread carefully.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ladies lets please keep this discussion from devolving into anti-autism invective.

Well, autism has ruined my life, my autistic kid’s live, and the lives of my other two kids, so…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is the conversation that's hard to have on this board because it goes to parents' long-term worries for their children. Tread carefully.

Agree.

[Anonymous]

Well, tbh I apply a lot of things I've learned as a parent. For example I don't demand eye contact from DH in serious conversations (instead we hold hands to show he is listening), and I long ago abandoned any idea that he would change at all. And I've found other sources of emotional support so that I don't ask for more than DH is up for providing.

I also tell myself that DH did okay despite no diagnosis and no therapies, so DS can do well too with the benefit of everything we've been doing for him.

[Anonymous]

Same here. My husband and I also realized he is on the spectrum plus adhd when DS was diagnosed. He does not feel sorry or understanding that DS has these diagnosis, and he does not give him any excuses if DS acts like a wild child some days. I don't have energy to deal with DH diagnosis or issues, and that should have been FIL/MIL problem when DH was a child. Other than DH failing on some lazy or basic skills, his social skill causes him problem at work. He is intelligent, has capability to be a manager or a lead in terms of management or technical skills, but his EQ is low. I don't get much mental or physucal support on raising our kids, so I just don't rely on him much.

[Anonymous]

I couldn’t handle it. Write separated and divorcing.

I’m pretty sure my dad is on the spectrum, so it took me a long time to realize that living with certain behaviors is just not for me.

[Anonymous]

Every Autistic person is different. DD was diagnosed ADHD and then ASD. MIL was told that DH was "borderline Autistic" when he was younger but everyone just laughed it off, except me when my DD was diagnosed the puzzle started coming together. He definitely has social skills issues (doesn't get sarcasm, speaks in half sentences sometimes or needs a translator). But, he's well liked and has several life-long friends from HS and a huge circle of guys he golfs with etc. He also had trouble holding a job until he found the perfect field for him and started his own business. He is very empathic toward our DD, because he gets her like nobody else does. He's got skill deficits for sure - I do all of the cooking, executing, etc. which can get tiring. But he's so loving and sweet that it makes it worth it - he also takes care of EVERYTHING that involves numbers, all of the bill paying, etc. and he has endless patience so he does all of the driving around of the kids who are both now teenagers.

Just saying, for the parents who are worried about the future. Watching my DH and hearing his mother's stories from when he was younger gives me hope for my DD, although she has more mental health issues than he does. He's sort of classic "Asperger's" (early reader, strong in math, loner as a kid), but he somehow learned these social coping skills that have served him well, and for whatever reason he is truly, truly, interested in other people and empathetic. He listens to every single detail people tell him with sincere interest and remembers them (sometimes weirdly do, but ya know). He's also incredibly persistent.

Not to toot my own horn but I think part of his success has been finding the right person who believed in him and appreciated him. His family of origin did not, especially siblings. He was (and is) hard to live with in some ways, but they never found a way to focus on the strengths.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every Autistic person is different. DD was diagnosed ADHD and then ASD. MIL was told that DH was "borderline Autistic" when he was younger but everyone just laughed it off, except me when my DD was diagnosed the puzzle started coming together. He definitely has social skills issues (doesn't get sarcasm, speaks in half sentences sometimes or needs a translator). But, he's well liked and has several life-long friends from HS and a huge circle of guys he golfs with etc. He also had trouble holding a job until he found the perfect field for him and started his own business. He is very empathic toward our DD, because he gets her like nobody else does. He's got skill deficits for sure - I do all of the cooking, executing, etc. which can get tiring. But he's so loving and sweet that it makes it worth it - he also takes care of EVERYTHING that involves numbers, all of the bill paying, etc. and he has endless patience so he does all of the driving around of the kids who are both now teenagers.

Just saying, for the parents who are worried about the future. Watching my DH and hearing his mother's stories from when he was younger gives me hope for my DD, although she has more mental health issues than he does. He's sort of classic "Asperger's" (early reader, strong in math, loner as a kid), but he somehow learned these social coping skills that have served him well, and for whatever reason he is truly, truly, interested in other people and empathetic. He listens to every single detail people tell him with sincere interest and remembers them (sometimes weirdly do, but ya know). He's also incredibly persistent.

Not to toot my own horn but I think part of his success has been finding the right person who believed in him and appreciated him. His family of origin did not, especially siblings. He was (and is) hard to live with in some ways, but they never found a way to focus on the strengths.

This is great and sincerely hopeful, thank you for sharing. All the best to your DD and family!

[Anonymous]

I have learned through dh’s adhd about some of the traits that get misdiagnosed as autism in kids. For the record dh is 100% not autistic but he has severe adhd and it does sometimes affect his perspective taking skills and his social skills

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ladies lets please keep this discussion from devolving into anti-autism invective.

I think a lot of the challenge when a partner is diagnosed too is the communication mismatch. It’s hard likely for BOTH the ND and NT spouses. neurodiversity should and can be a positive thing but when you’re living and breathing with differences in your family it can just simply be hard sometimes. I think it’s fair to have feelings around it (feelings never actually hurt anyone, right?) and to be able to find a community who may get it can be a relief. The issue comes when you demand change from the people who are different as opposed to empathy.

My child was diagnosed and then my partner self-diagnosed. It was a big revelation for all. I was grieving but then it helped put the pieces together for me as to why I was frustrated so often with my partner, and realized most of it was specifically around their rigidity, black and white thinking, and frankly their low threshold for burnout. But after realizing their autistic traits, it eventually helped me understand their perspective during hard moments. Like them way over-reacting when I interrupted their train of tonight when talking about something they cared a lot about. Pathologizing this would sound like cutting them off when they were info dumping about a special interest, but it just made me more aware of things that meant a lot to them and why they might respond the way they do. Reminding myself of the NT/ND communication mismatch helps and just being as open as possible to understanding why they are the way they are and asking for them to try and do the same for you.