In fewer than 24 hours, my mother has…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First, you have to stop accepting her paid vacations. Then, you can establish boundaries in good conscience.

NP. This, above, first and foremost.

But even more immediately, since you're already on vacation with them right now: Someone asked the crucial question above, OP.

Is this something new? If so, it may be a sign of cognitive/aging/dementia issues and not really about her being some toxic person. If this is new, a change in behavior, you would do better to be concerned than pi$$ed, frankly, and should be thinking of how to get her evaluated.

If this is NOT new or fairly recent behavior, well, you likely already had an inkling this wouldn't go well. Can't go back and undo things, so either leave, or work out a plan now for how to cope during the rest of the vacation. If you plan to stay and cope: Be glad you're under a separate roof from hers and use that to full advantage. Do not meet up for every meal every day. Have days where you or DH takes the kids somewhere else like a park (any small amusement parks/arcades/kids' museums/kid-friendly historic sites/ swimming pools in the area?) for at least half the day and one meal out. Have days where your whole family goes somewhere local and you DO things rather than sitting around her house or your rental house "visiting."

Use your time to get a read on why this is "next level" behavior now. I really wonder if your mom's accelerating behavior is an issue you should be talking about with a doctor.

Have you asked her husband, privately, if she is more irritable, has a shorter fuse, etc. etc. with him, with others in their day to day lives? If you haven't asked, it's time to do so. Again, the key is whether this is something she would have done a year ago, five or 10 years ago, or if it's new or worsened behavior. She may not be 100 percent aware she's being so strange and aggressive.

[Anonymous]

Leave She told you to leave. F that. Go now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this new (cognitive decline?) or normal behavior?

+1 my mom started acting unpleasantly in her late 60s and when we realized it was dementia (the start) I found her intolerance of my kids and unkind comments so much easier to ignore. Much easier to be around her.

[Anonymous]

they’re renting a residence for us near their vacation home

Always pay your own way. In your name. You need to be able to-walk if necessary. Otherwise, for now ... be together with others. Be together with her the least you can.

[Anonymous]

Next time spend your own money and plan your own vacation without Mom. It’s amazing to me how many adults still mooch off their parents and then complain. Grow up. And no, I’m not a MIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:-asked me and my kids to leave minutes after arriving
-called my husband funny-looking
-called me weird
-criticized me for not packing children’s Benadryl
-denigrated my husband’s alma mater (a state school - though he makes a lot more than she ever did)
-pushed my son (she would say she “nudged” him)
-scolded the way my husband and I parent

There are probably other examples but I’m too exhausted to recall. My family is on vacation with my mom and her husband - they’re renting a residence for us near their vacation home - but I am overwhelmed at this treatment. She’s pretty tiring generally but the dysfunction seems to be next level this time. What should I do to get through this week?

Leave. Can you pay her back what she spent?

Even if you can’t, just say no amount of money is worth being treated cruelly.

[Anonymous]

Know you are not alone. 1 more day for us. Grey rock, grey rock, grey rock…. I also like the poster who said spend time imagining all they days not together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Next time spend your own money and plan your own vacation without Mom. It’s amazing to me how many adults still mooch off their parents and then complain. Grow up. And no, I’m not a MIL.

We did try the reverse and got the place, paid for everything from food to outings and invite parents hoping would make difference, but it was no different— just more to criticize from the food bought to restaurants picked to the activities. The one constant was the parent unfiltered complaints- didn’t matter who paid so we realize, it’s what they enjoy, it is their state of being to not like anything so we had same decision, could we deal with it or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Next time spend your own money and plan your own vacation without Mom. It’s amazing to me how many adults still mooch off their parents and then complain. Grow up. And no, I’m not a MIL.

We did try the reverse and got the place, paid for everything from food to outings and invite parents hoping would make difference, but it was no different— just more to criticize from the food bought to restaurants picked to the activities. The one constant was the parent unfiltered complaints- didn’t matter who paid so we realize, it’s what they enjoy, it is their state of being to not like anything so we had same decision, could we deal with it or not.

Your mistake was vacationing with them.

[Anonymous]

For a lot of people with mental issues (whether chronic or emergent), money is not a factor at all.

My mother has always been the worst nag, due to her uncontrolled anxiety and lack of filter. She will say the most irritating or stress-inducing things at the worst possible time, because she's impulsive.

Whether she pays or I pay does not matter. She can't control her mouth regardless.

I organize get-togethers in the knowledge that she will eventually annoy us all before the end of the trip. It's still nice to see her every now and then.

[Anonymous]

Pay for your own vacations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Next time spend your own money and plan your own vacation without Mom. It’s amazing to me how many adults still mooch off their parents and then complain. Grow up. And no, I’m not a MIL.

We did try the reverse and got the place, paid for everything from food to outings and invite parents hoping would make difference, but it was no different— just more to criticize from the food bought to restaurants picked to the activities. The one constant was the parent unfiltered complaints- didn’t matter who paid so we realize, it’s what they enjoy, it is their state of being to not like anything so we had same decision, could we deal with it or not.

You're like Charlie Brown with Lucy holding the ball. Always hoping for a better outcome that will never happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Next time spend your own money and plan your own vacation without Mom. It’s amazing to me how many adults still mooch off their parents and then complain. Grow up. And no, I’m not a MIL.

We did try the reverse and got the place, paid for everything from food to outings and invite parents hoping would make difference, but it was no different— just more to criticize from the food bought to restaurants picked to the activities. The one constant was the parent unfiltered complaints- didn’t matter who paid so we realize, it’s what they enjoy, it is their state of being to not like anything so we had same decision, could we deal with it or not.

You're like Charlie Brown with Lucy holding the ball. Always hoping for a better outcome that will never happen.

Yep. Great comparison.

[Anonymous]

Agree future advice is for next time to not go with her, but in meantime for what can you do: read DCUM and know others have gone through this to and come out on other side to know to not do again. If ever do go again, expectations should be not even low but non-existent or whatever is less than that. Our family is not so much what they say but what do. Maybe the innocent of all things but tough when vacationing out of town/country, they have NO leeway for dinner times- they eat at 6 whether Haley’s Comet or whatever other once in lifetime event happening. Since maddening for me, this year I announced early that I started exercising at 5:30 each day and will do that on vacation. A weird fix perhaps, but know will work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree future advice is for next time to not go with her, but in meantime for what can you do: read DCUM and know others have gone through this to and come out on other side to know to not do again. If ever do go again, expectations should be not even low but non-existent or whatever is less than that. Our family is not so much what they say but what do. Maybe the innocent of all things but tough when vacationing out of town/country, they have NO leeway for dinner times- they eat at 6 whether Haley’s Comet or whatever other once in lifetime event happening. Since maddening for me, this year I announced early that I started exercising at 5:30 each day and will do that on vacation. A weird fix perhaps, but know will work.

I am PP and your exercise can be cafe or coffee house, beach walk… lots of options to escape!