Elected not to have kids early, why the animosity?

[Anonymous]

Early 30's isn't even "late" to have kids! I guess the comments are from other military families?

[Anonymous]

I mean, I would not say anything to your face, but privately, I would judge you, yes. I think it’s stupid to wait so late to have kids, and I think it’s possible with the help of family and partner to get a good career going and have kids earlier. The “super planners” often have regrets later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Main character syndrome. No one cares what you do, promise.

+1
Stop talking about anything personal at work. Seriously.

This advice has to stop. The idea that work is work and home is home is unhealthy. Work is a huge part of life and you can’t be expected to turn on and off that way. There is nothing wrong with sharing what you did over the weekend with your coworkers and this advice is always said with animosity and judgment like the OP is complaining about in the first place.

OP: Certainly, it’s not everyone but one or a few people that you’re thinking about writing this post. These people will be there no matter what you do. I had kids at ages 27 and 31 and got comments. I bottle fed and I got comments. I put my kids in daycare and worked part-time and I got comments. I bought a house and I got comments. I didn’t manage to produce a male heir and I got comments.

It’s not your particular situation that receives judgement. It’s ALL SITUATIONS.

Just learn to shrug it off, and hopefully find someone else at work to whine to on the side so you can keep on that fake smile the next time some jerk makes a comment about some innocuous comment.

Comments don’t mean animosity. You sound paranoid.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't take it personally. Assuming you one day have kids, you will also be in the same boat and will feel similarly!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Main character syndrome. No one cares what you do, promise.

+1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m in my early 30s and a director at a large, fortune 100 firm. In a long term relationship, my husband is active duty military. We elected to wait to have kids and it seems like the snide comments I get have increased lately.

Things like ‘DH and I are taking a long weekend down at the beach’ are met with ‘wow must be nice to not have kids, we could never do that’ and when discussing my evenings things like mentioning i read a book by the fire pit(obviously not turned on) just get crooked eyed comments.


Am I missing something or do people genuinely dislike others having control over their lives?

Maybe stop bragging.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean, I would not say anything to your face, but privately, I would judge you, yes. I think it’s stupid to wait so late to have kids, and I think it’s possible with the help of family and partner to get a good career going and have kids earlier. The “super planners” often have regrets later.

B! tchy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean, I would not say anything to your face, but privately, I would judge you, yes. I think it’s stupid to wait so late to have kids, and I think it’s possible with the help of family and partner to get a good career going and have kids earlier. The “super planners” often have regrets later.

I think it’s stupid of you to assume that everyone has family willing or able to help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean, I would not say anything to your face, but privately, I would judge you, yes. I think it’s stupid to wait so late to have kids, and I think it’s possible with the help of family and partner to get a good career going and have kids earlier. The “super planners” often have regrets later.

Brunch Granny has arrived!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Main character syndrome. No one cares what you do, promise.

+1
Stop talking about anything personal at work. Seriously.

This advice has to stop. The idea that work is work and home is home is unhealthy. Work is a huge part of life and you can’t be expected to turn on and off that way. There is nothing wrong with sharing what you did over the weekend with your coworkers and this advice is always said with animosity and judgment like the OP is complaining about in the first place.

OP: Certainly, it’s not everyone but one or a few people that you’re thinking about writing this post. These people will be there no matter what you do. I had kids at ages 27 and 31 and got comments. I bottle fed and I got comments. I put my kids in daycare and worked part-time and I got comments. I bought a house and I got comments. I didn’t manage to produce a male heir and I got comments.

It’s not your particular situation that receives judgement. It’s ALL SITUATIONS.

Just learn to shrug it off, and hopefully find someone else at work to whine to on the side so you can keep on that fake smile the next time some jerk makes a comment about some innocuous comment.

Ugh, so American (particularly D.C.) that work work work is everything.
Just ignore, OP, smile and say nothing. They will get the message.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Main character syndrome. No one cares what you do, promise.

+1
Stop talking about anything personal at work. Seriously.

This advice has to stop. The idea that work is work and home is home is unhealthy. Work is a huge part of life and you can’t be expected to turn on and off that way. There is nothing wrong with sharing what you did over the weekend with your coworkers and this advice is always said with animosity and judgment like the OP is complaining about in the first place.

OP: Certainly, it’s not everyone but one or a few people that you’re thinking about writing this post. These people will be there no matter what you do. I had kids at ages 27 and 31 and got comments. I bottle fed and I got comments. I put my kids in daycare and worked part-time and I got comments. I bought a house and I got comments. I didn’t manage to produce a male heir and I got comments.

It’s not your particular situation that receives judgement. It’s ALL SITUATIONS.

Just learn to shrug it off, and hopefully find someone else at work to whine to on the side so you can keep on that fake smile the next time some jerk makes a comment about some innocuous comment.

Comments don’t mean animosity. You sound paranoid.

Are this the same poster who writes “you sound” on every post on this board?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ref the beach comment “ you could go, you would just need a sitter”
Or “ you could go, you would just have your kids with you”
Everyone prioritizes things differently and makes different choices with how to spend money/time.

Ugh no no, please don't say this to me. I would make the comments OP is citing, but it would just be envy and wistfulness, without judgement or resentment. My neutral disposition would be challenged if you suggest that I could just take off for a beach weekend if I got a 2-night sitter or made it a family weekend. That stuff is hard and expensive, and being a parent is just generally hard and expensive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean, I would not say anything to your face, but privately, I would judge you, yes. I think it’s stupid to wait so late to have kids, and I think it’s possible with the help of family and partner to get a good career going and have kids earlier. The “super planners” often have regrets later.

This. Don’t wait to have children. So many people have issues and it kills your spirit and sometimes the marriage. The quality of your eggs drastically decreases at 30. Visit the infertility and TTC boards on here. Aside from that - yes there’s probably some envy there but to be honest they wouldn’t trade their whole life, children and all, just to have your life. It’s just a quick pang of wistfulness that is usually resolved in moments or once you get home and get a big hug or kiss from your kid. Just ignore them but please note my advice. I want you to have what you want but nature is going to do its thing as you age. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I don’t see anything in the comment you stated that seems critical of a decision to wait. I don’t even think colleagues will automatically assume you plan to have any kids unless you’ve told them that specifically?

I didn’t start trying till 35 which I now know is risky from a fertility standpoint, (and I did have to do fertility treatments). But I still don’t regret not starting sooner for my own personal reasons (career, education, right partner, life experiences, etc). I have three kids which worked out well for my family, but I know some women who made similar decisions who ended up with one or none due to fertility issues and that was a big source of sadness for them.

For the op with active duty husband it makes a lot of sense to me if you can wait until he’s retired or semi retired so you will not be solo parenting and/or relocating often with a young kid. A friend was deployed while his daughter was born and didn’t meet her for three months which is tough. He’s high ranking but was gone a lot during Iraq and afghanistan and his wife had to end her career to manage childcare plus had good family support. But I do think the 35 fertility drop off is worth keeping an eye in and meeting with an RE for initial testing on. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Op, why do you care? Are you secure in your decision?