12 yo says mom gets “physical” with her

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you are manipulating your daughter into more time. If you want 50-50 great, but don't put her in the middle of it and make her pick sides.

I don't know where you got that. Just because dad is posting?

Op, " physical " for my nephews and niece meant pushing them. "Get out of my way" kind of thing. For another pair of nieces it was hair pulling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you are manipulating your daughter into more time. If you want 50-50 great, but don't put her in the middle of it and make her pick sides.

??? Because I’m concerned about her mom’s behavior I’m manipulating her? She has said repeatedly that she doesn’t want to live with her mom.

But thank you for proving that I do have reason to be concerned that people will see it this way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you are manipulating your daughter into more time. If you want 50-50 great, but don't put her in the middle of it and make her pick sides.

I don't know where you got that. Just because dad is posting?

Op, " physical " for my nephews and niece meant pushing them. "Get out of my way" kind of thing. For another pair of nieces it was hair pulling.

Thanks, this is helpful. I have a meeting with her therapist tomorrow and then a session with her and the therapist on Friday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, how unhappy is your DD at her mom’s house and how much does she want out? Why is she unhappy?
Your words about RV and homeschooling do have me concerned (I am a child of somewhat off the grid parents and I hated that life, I do think it’s a form of abuse or at least kids need a way out if they prefer).
However if it’s something trivial like mom is more strict or has a smaller house… it’s important not to undermine the mom.
About getting physical - nowadays kids are super protective of their bodies (not saying it’s a bad thing) and even a slight push or drag can be perceived as “abuse”. Kudos to the therapist who didn’t run immediately to report it if it wasn’t actually abuse.
Overall: tread lightly. Don’t be someone who depraved your ex of a good life and now are stealing her child, too. But also don’t be like my dad who didn’t think it was a bad environment for us when growing up and never thought of leaving.
Good luck!

Thanks for this. I’ve gone back and forth on whether to pursue amending the custody agreement for years for exactly this reason. But mom’s behavior has become increasingly erratic and worrisome and kid is very unhappy (and does NOT want to live in an RV with her angry mom and be homeschooled)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kids can claim abuse just because it gets everyone’s ears perked up but unless you know there is actual physical abuse, I’d be careful as it looks like you’re trying alienate child from mom—especially in light of your petition for more time.

This is EXACTLY my concern and why I asked here about whether she might be making it up. And why I haven’t leapt to claiming abuse. OTOH if kid is genuinely unsafe I can’t ignore this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids can claim abuse just because it gets everyone’s ears perked up but unless you know there is actual physical abuse, I’d be careful as it looks like you’re trying alienate child from mom—especially in light of your petition for more time.

This is EXACTLY my concern and why I asked here about whether she might be making it up. And why I haven’t leapt to claiming abuse. OTOH if kid is genuinely unsafe I can’t ignore this.

The bar for her being unsafe is very high. Getting ‘Physical’ won’t be enough. Flakey mom and personality conflict won’t either.

Don’t pursue custody beyond 50/50 if you don’t already have it. If mom wants to take off in an rv then fine, daughter lives with you and mom can come visit. Just keep paying her child support to keep her happy. It sucks but it’s the best way to deal with that personality. You would spend all that money on attorneys anyway and you will not win custody.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids can claim abuse just because it gets everyone’s ears perked up but unless you know there is actual physical abuse, I’d be careful as it looks like you’re trying alienate child from mom—especially in light of your petition for more time.

This is EXACTLY my concern and why I asked here about whether she might be making it up. And why I haven’t leapt to claiming abuse. OTOH if kid is genuinely unsafe I can’t ignore this.

Listen, OP. You are activated because this is scary, but it is better than you think.

1) She disclosed this in therapy and it WILL be discussed. The therapist will work with your daughter to assess what is actually going on. If your daughter is being abused by her mother, the therapist will have to report the abuse. If that happens, it is likely in your collective best interest to make that report together - your daughter and the therapist, with you assisting as appropriate. Cooperating with the investigation means recognizing that it is not the job of the investigation to determine custody - just safety and best interest of the child.

2) People will be concerned that parental alienation is happening - you can't do much about that unfortunately. That is a matter for a custody evaluation, which it sounds like you are already working on. The best thing that you can do to to debunk concerns about you alienating your daughter from her mom is to NOT do that. Give your daughter the opportunity to speak for herself about what she's experienced, whatever that is. Advocate for her best interest. It is in her best interest to disclose maltreatment by her mom to someone who can do something about it. It is in YOUR best interest for that person to be someone other than you, particularly if you are concerned that her mom will "go ballistic" when she hears about the report of abuse.

3) Do you have a therapist of your own? It sounds like it is possible that this situation could get really stressful. It's great that your daughter has support. You also deserve that support and I hope you have it.

--a therapist who works with teenagers and families

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“We’re”=kid wants more time with me. I do have a new wife who is happy to have my child around.

Most new wives are. Beware a custody battle will damage the new marriage and any chance of an amicable relationship with ex. Your new wife may also change her mind about having kid around so much.

[Anonymous]

Document everything weird. It puts the physicality in context.

[Anonymous]

My cousin's 13DD did. She lied and told the school he was beating her. CPS got involved, investigated him and his new family, found nothing and they no longer have a relationship. Kids are stupid and aren't always telling the truth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“We’re”=kid wants more time with me. I do have a new wife who is happy to have my child around.

Red flag.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My cousin's 13DD did. She lied and told the school he was beating her. CPS got involved, investigated him and his new family, found nothing and they no longer have a relationship. Kids are stupid and aren't always telling the truth.

I heard a great story on the Moth or somewhere about a little kid who attended an anti-molestation presentation by Season Street /Muppet-costumed people, and then she made up Tory about being molested because she wanted to go hang out with the characters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you are manipulating your daughter into more time. If you want 50-50 great, but don't put her in the middle of it and make her pick sides.

I don't know where you got that. Just because dad is posting?

Op, " physical " for my nephews and niece meant pushing them. "Get out of my way" kind of thing. For another pair of nieces it was hair pulling.

Thanks, this is helpful. I have a meeting with her therapist tomorrow and then a session with her and the therapist on Friday.

The therapist isn't going to tell you what she told her.

[Anonymous]

Update—things were worse than I thought and CPS and law enforcement are now involved, with friends and family of mom corroborating kid’s story.

I spent too long trying to give mom the benefit of the doubt and not rock the boat and I feel terrible that kid has suffered.

Thanks to those who were supportive and helpful. And yes, all parties except mom have therapists, thank goodness.