DH and Mom Can’t Get Along

[Anonymous]

My mom is hard to get along with. My husband has never been reactive to her. And so with time, she warmed up to him and they get along. I think your DH needs to keep his rude behavior to himself.

[Anonymous]

I would try to time visits so DH is traveling at least part of the time.

Also, really pay attention if you’re putting in all the effort in the marriage. Are you patient with his family while he’s short with yours? I’m big on reciprocity. If he puts no effort with my parents, I’m not going to make the effort with his.

[Anonymous]

He can take a vacation or work trip when she visits. My mom loves to come help when DH is away.

Or you can visit her without him. I love my DH and he does get along fine with my family but there are times it’s just nice to visit solo. We don’t have to worry about leaving him out of conversation about people and places he doesn’t know.

[Anonymous]

Always, always support your spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Always, always support your spouse.

What a stupid statement.

[Anonymous]

Your DH needs to drop the “jokes” and stop complaining about drips on the counter. He should be polite when your mother is around.

But your mother should also stay in a hotel. Don’t let her play the whole martyr card about it. You should limit the time your DH has to spend w her when she does visit.

[Anonymous]

I can’t stand my MIL. But I am polite and ignore her when she tries to bait me. I mostly make my DH deal with her and I just occasionally am around and make minor musings like “oh really?” And “huh” to whatever she says.

I learned early not telling her much information and using some “grey rock” techniques helped immensely. She’s still incredibly irritating and sometimes rude, but for the most part I just let it roll off me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes. The solution is for your Mom to stay in a hotel as she suggested. Nothing wrong with that.

This. The distance will make it easier for your husband to tolerate her is small doses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love my DH and my mom. And they each get along well with others. But they just CANNOT get along with each other. They both take immediate offense to anything the other does “wrong.” Ex: DH gets visibly annoyed by any drip on the kitchen counter, assumes it was my mom (usually is, but it’s always hardly noticeable). My mom doesn’t understand DH’s dry humor and takes offense to everything he says. Nothing is ever “that bad,” but they both blow things way out of proportion. Now my mom refuses to stay with us, insisting on staying in a hotel when she visits to be around DH less. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells the entire time they’re together. I have tried talking to both of them, but neither one will let things go or give the other the benefit of the doubt. Is there any solution here? Or do I just need to accept the fact that I can’t make them get along?

This is insane. How do you live like that?

[Anonymous]

The drip thing is nuts. I usually not on a mil side of the story but that’s pathological.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The drip thing is nuts. I usually not on a mil side of the story but that’s pathological.

Someday, DH will also be old and unable to physically see the water droplet and crumbs too. He's hurting her feelings by being passive agressive...he claims its a joke, but it really isn't. It is pretty disrespectful. Keep a cloth or roll of paper towels by the sink and keep one's mouth shut and move on. Adjust for different situations. If she isn't being overtly abusive and just super defensive, then you really need to examine the nitpicking and overreacting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The drip thing is nuts. I usually not on a mil side of the story but that’s pathological.

I had a friend whose ex-boyfriend would get annoyed when there was water splattered on the counter by the sink. I was relieved when they broke up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your DH needs to drop the “jokes” and stop complaining about drips on the counter. He should be polite when your mother is around.

But your mother should also stay in a hotel. Don’t let her play the whole martyr card about it. You should limit the time your DH has to spend w her when she does visit.

This. How is your DH dealing with having kids because spills and messes are part of normal family life. Sounds like you are the one who compensates for the demanding, perfectionist, and opinionated people in your life. You are used to it but, after a while, it is draining and you will become resentful.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like a competition for your time. Is it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The old "she doesn't get my humor!" excuse.

Translation: she doesn't, because it's not meant as a joke. He's being mean.

It does sound as if your husband is being overly controlling and rude. Drips on the counter? “Dry humor”?

Yeah. He’s a jerk.