Parents upcoming 50th Anniversary

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nobody really knows what goes on in someone else’s marriage. I would not be so quick to judge or make assumptions. They might just be really passionate people, in many different senses of the word.

If they want to celebrate, why can’t they?

Sorry but that’s really dumb to say to adult children who grew up with this their whole lives. We witnessed the poison.

You didn’t answer PP’s question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nobody really knows what goes on in someone else’s marriage. I would not be so quick to judge or make assumptions. They might just be really passionate people, in many different senses of the word.

If they want to celebrate, why can’t they?

I think your definite of passionate is different than the conventional one.

Sure but it sounds like OP’s two passionate parents found each other and made it work in their own way. The screaming wouldn’t work for me, but maybe it does for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG - I thought my husband or his siblings wrote this. This was exactly our situation a couple of years ago, except the the in-laws instructed us to throw them a surprise party - during the first 3 months of Covid.

I just want to scream. Can we please have ONE thread without a DCUM mom bashing her in laws? Just one? Please???

[Anonymous]

I can kind of relate. My parents’ marriage was clearly miserable while I still lived at home and they just celebrated their 50th a few years ago. Whatever, it’s just a milestone. Their decisions about their lives were and are theirs to make. If you’re not planning it, just go and enjoy a party. You don’t have to gush over your parents’ marriage while you’re there. Just have a drink and enjoy other people’s company.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nobody really knows what goes on in someone else’s marriage. I would not be so quick to judge or make assumptions. They might just be really passionate people, in many different senses of the word.

If they want to celebrate, why can’t they?

OP here, my dad is having a years long affair abroad, my mom knows about this. My siblings and I have tried to intervene, I have tried to get my mom to at least talk to a divorce lawyer, she won’t. It’s a mess.

NP. This post makes a big difference to me because it shows you and your siblings are WAY too enmeshed with mom and dad's toxic marriage, OP. I can see trying to tell mom "You should divorce him" once but if you and/or siblings have continued to engage after knowing mom knows, and after mom refusing to talk to a lawyer--please tell us you and all the siblings have butted out now, 100 percent. If you fear dad will leave mom at some point and screw her over financially, that is now on mom to navigate solo. You all did your part.

Knowing all this backstory drama, I would attend the party only if a sibling or siblings had worked to arrange it, and solely to show support for that sibling(s) and the effort (both logistical and emotional--imagine dealing with your particular parents over party planning. Awful, no?). I'd tell the siblings that, too: "I loathe their sham marriage but I love you guys and am coming because I consider it our siblings' survival celebration." I would not utter the word "congratulations" or make any toast or speech if called on. Have your own script in your head for the day: Someone says, "Isn't it great?" or "You must be so proud they've been married 50 years!" blah blah, and you just pull out, "It's a great party that Sibling arranged for the occasion, isn't it?" Things like that. Stay only as long as you want and as long as the food is plentiful. Don't get tipsy or drunk, though. I foresee someone getting drunk enough to call dad out and ask whether his overseas AP is going to pop out of a cake to add to the festivities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nobody really knows what goes on in someone else’s marriage. I would not be so quick to judge or make assumptions. They might just be really passionate people, in many different senses of the word.

If they want to celebrate, why can’t they?

I think your definite of passionate is different than the conventional one.

Sure but it sounds like OP’s two passionate parents found each other and made it work in their own way. The screaming wouldn’t work for me, but maybe it does for them.

DP, not OP, but....You sure do rock those rose-colored glasses, PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nobody really knows what goes on in someone else’s marriage. I would not be so quick to judge or make assumptions. They might just be really passionate people, in many different senses of the word.

If they want to celebrate, why can’t they?

OP here, my dad is having a years long affair abroad, my mom knows about this. My siblings and I have tried to intervene, I have tried to get my mom to at least talk to a divorce lawyer, she won’t. It’s a mess.

NP. This post makes a big difference to me because it shows you and your siblings are WAY too enmeshed with mom and dad's toxic marriage, OP. I can see trying to tell mom "You should divorce him" once but if you and/or siblings have continued to engage after knowing mom knows, and after mom refusing to talk to a lawyer--please tell us you and all the siblings have butted out now, 100 percent. If you fear dad will leave mom at some point and screw her over financially, that is now on mom to navigate solo. You all did your part.

Knowing all this backstory drama, I would attend the party only if a sibling or siblings had worked to arrange it, and solely to show support for that sibling(s) and the effort (both logistical and emotional--imagine dealing with your particular parents over party planning. Awful, no?). I'd tell the siblings that, too: "I loathe their sham marriage but I love you guys and am coming because I consider it our siblings' survival celebration." I would not utter the word "congratulations" or make any toast or speech if called on. Have your own script in your head for the day: Someone says, "Isn't it great?" or "You must be so proud they've been married 50 years!" blah blah, and you just pull out, "It's a great party that Sibling arranged for the occasion, isn't it?" Things like that. Stay only as long as you want and as long as the food is plentiful. Don't get tipsy or drunk, though. I foresee someone getting drunk enough to call dad out and ask whether his overseas AP is going to pop out of a cake to add to the festivities.

I 100% have removed myself from this topic with the two of them. When my mom found out about the affair she asked my siblings and I to talk to my dad. I only did it because she asked. I offered to go to a lawyer with her because she didn’t know what to do and I offered so that she would at least know what her options were. She is very old school and not very independent and I knew she wouldn’t know where to start. I help her with a lot of day to day things.

My siblings unfortunately don’t talk to each other, I assume my mom will plan the party.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nobody really knows what goes on in someone else’s marriage. I would not be so quick to judge or make assumptions. They might just be really passionate people, in many different senses of the word.

If they want to celebrate, why can’t they?

Sorry but that’s really dumb to say to adult children who grew up with this their whole lives. We witnessed the poison.

You didn’t answer PP’s question.

OP here, they can celebrate, of course. I just feel deeply uncomfortable pretending all is good. My parents lead separate lives, separate bedrooms, my dad is traveling at least 60% of the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nobody really knows what goes on in someone else’s marriage. I would not be so quick to judge or make assumptions. They might just be really passionate people, in many different senses of the word.

If they want to celebrate, why can’t they?

Sorry but that’s really dumb to say to adult children who grew up with this their whole lives. We witnessed the poison.

You didn’t answer PP’s question.

OP here, they can celebrate, of course. I just feel deeply uncomfortable pretending all is good. My parents lead separate lives, separate bedrooms, my dad is traveling at least 60% of the time.

You are going to a party, how is that pretending anything? You are acting like any invited guest is offering an opinion on the marriage itself and that just isn’t the case.

[Anonymous]

Go? or Host it?
You go. No need to host it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can kind of relate. My parents’ marriage was clearly miserable while I still lived at home and they just celebrated their 50th a few years ago. Whatever, it’s just a milestone. Their decisions about their lives were and are theirs to make. If you’re not planning it, just go and enjoy a party. You don’t have to gush over your parents’ marriage while you’re there. Just have a drink and enjoy other people’s company.

+1 pretend you’re watching a grueling marathon where you know the contestants are near the finish line. They’re at mile marker 50. You’ve been watching this your whole life. They lie about how much they love running. There’s still maybe 10 more to go. So just cheer from the sides lines, hand them a cup of water. They got themselves into it. They’re proud of themselves. Yeah, it’s a crappy race. No sense in dropping out now. The registration fee was very high, they think no one will respect them anymore if they drop out. Besides, there may be a big prize at stake for the one who doesn’t collapse. Pension?

[Anonymous]

OP here. Appreciate the perspectives. Thanks everyone!