Parents upcoming 50th Anniversary

[Anonymous]

They despise each other, they should have divorced decades ago but did not and now have this charade externally that they are happily married.

My mom is already talking about a 50th anniversary party and I want nothing to do with it. I had terrible anxiety growing up and waking up on Saturday mornings not knowing if your parents were going to be in a full out screaming match, or traveling and having your parents get into screaming matches at the hotel and then not talk to each other for the rest of the trip didn’t help. I just cannot pretend at a party like this.

What would you do? Refuse to go?

[Anonymous]

What does your dad say?

[Anonymous]

He just goes along with whatever looks good externally.

[Anonymous]

OP, I get it. My parents are similar and just "celebrated" 49. The thought of planning a party to celebrate their marriage makes me feel ill.

But if I just had to show up to attend? I think I'd do it in the interest of not making waves / honoring the choices they've made and the lives they've lived. I'd hang out with my siblings and extended family and smile politely and it would be fine.

[Anonymous]

Nobody really knows what goes on in someone else’s marriage. I would not be so quick to judge or make assumptions. They might just be really passionate people, in many different senses of the word.

If they want to celebrate, why can’t they?

[Anonymous]

I'd have no problem attending, but will not help plan it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get it. My parents are similar and just "celebrated" 49. The thought of planning a party to celebrate their marriage makes me feel ill.

But if I just had to show up to attend? I think I'd do it in the interest of not making waves / honoring the choices they've made and the lives they've lived. I'd hang out with my siblings and extended family and smile politely and it would be fine.

+1. Same. I refused to plan a 50th anniversary party in my case but if someone else was, I would have gone and had some vague words planned when people went on about how great it is.

Thanks to PP and OP for posting. This perspective doesn’t come out often. I felt pretty alone a couple years ago when they were hitting 50 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nobody really knows what goes on in someone else’s marriage. I would not be so quick to judge or make assumptions. They might just be really passionate people, in many different senses of the word.

If they want to celebrate, why can’t they?

Sorry but that’s really dumb to say to adult children who grew up with this their whole lives. We witnessed the poison.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nobody really knows what goes on in someone else’s marriage. I would not be so quick to judge or make assumptions. They might just be really passionate people, in many different senses of the word.

If they want to celebrate, why can’t they?

OP here, my dad is having a years long affair abroad, my mom knows about this. My siblings and I have tried to intervene, I have tried to get my mom to at least talk to a divorce lawyer, she won’t. It’s a mess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nobody really knows what goes on in someone else’s marriage. I would not be so quick to judge or make assumptions. They might just be really passionate people, in many different senses of the word.

If they want to celebrate, why can’t they?

I think your definite of passionate is different than the conventional one.

[Anonymous]

My parents weren't speaking to each other in the week leading up to their 50th because they couldn't agree about how to celebrate. Like, it was a full on screaming crying fight that involved everyone. Then we had to go and toast this happy union?

So yeah. These things really have reality bubble to the surface sometimes.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents weren't speaking to each other in the week leading up to their 50th because they couldn't agree about how to celebrate. Like, it was a full on screaming crying fight that involved everyone. Then we had to go and toast this happy union?

So yeah. These things really have reality bubble to the surface sometimes.

Good luck!

yikes, i'm sorry! did you end up going to the party?

[Anonymous]

OMG - I thought my husband or his siblings wrote this. This was exactly our situation a couple of years ago, except the the in-laws instructed us to throw them a surprise party - during the first 3 months of Covid.

[Anonymous]

This will be me in 3 years, OP. I feel for you. I vividly remember my mother asking me who I would live with if they divorced. I was 15. I sure as heck won't plan a party, nor will I make great strides to attend one.

[Anonymous]

I would absolutely go. Their marriage may not be how you would choose to be married, but it’s not your relationship nor are their choices in that marriage something you need to approve or disapprove of as an adult. Let go of your judgment and simply attend as a guest.