How to deal with GF that shuts down?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Give her space.

PP is so full of sh*t

sorry but run as fast as you can away from your GF. this is just the beginning of the abuse she will inflict on you.

I THINK you are talking about my post and I promise I’m not full of it. This is really how my Dh helps me. Again, if the OP tries it and still feels like things aren’t working, he should walk. Both the GF and the OP have to be willing to trust and work through it. The GF may not be ready. It took me years to get to a place where I could accept someone in my life this way. I do feel absolutely horribly guilty about how my very first relationships ended and I don’t blame any man (or woman) from walking away from the situation. It takes a ton of work to get over abuse. Each person needs to decide when things are at an unfixable point for them. My husband laughed at the thought that I abuse him btw. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My gf has a tendency of shutting down on small disagreements(not even arguments). This happens when we are on phone or FT and she quickly hangs up abruptly and shuts down. She had a difficult marriage and as she gave told me this was her coping mechanism in the past. This makes me feel hurt and I feel dismissed and a little disrespected. I have told her that and she comes back and say sorry but I am not sure how to deal with this or constructively improve on the situation. We are both in our mid 40s.

*disrespected*

You should probably spend more time considering that. It’s not good.

Considering what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Different Op from last week. She does say that she will talk later by saying that I am upset but to me, it looks like she’s upset during that moment. I don’t like how she cuts me off, gets dismissive and make me feel unwanted.

no one can "make you feel" .... you are allowing yourself to feel that way. speak up, communicate with her about how she handles arguments. And then depending on how she receives it you can (a) accept her, or (b) break up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Give her space.

PP is so full of sh*t

sorry but run as fast as you can away from your GF. this is just the beginning of the abuse she will inflict on you.

I THINK you are talking about my post and I promise I’m not full of it. This is really how my Dh helps me. Again, if the OP tries it and still feels like things aren’t working, he should walk. Both the GF and the OP have to be willing to trust and work through it. The GF may not be ready. It took me years to get to a place where I could accept someone in my life this way. I do feel absolutely horribly guilty about how my very first relationships ended and I don’t blame any man (or woman) from walking away from the situation. It takes a ton of work to get over abuse. Each person needs to decide when things are at an unfixable point for them. My husband laughed at the thought that I abuse him btw. Good luck!

Op here. I agree with this advice. I don’t believe everything should be considered as big as walking away if people are willing to work through it. I understand her husband was abusive and it would take some time for her to get over the triggers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My gf has a tendency of shutting down on small disagreements(not even arguments). This happens when we are on phone or FT and she quickly hangs up abruptly and shuts down. She had a difficult marriage and as she gave told me this was her coping mechanism in the past. This makes me feel hurt and I feel dismissed and a little disrespected. I have told her that and she comes back and say sorry but I am not sure how to deal with this or constructively improve on the situation. We are both in our mid 40s.

I am confused by what you want here.

I am seeing an adult who was in an difficult/controlling 20+ marriage (from your own admission in subsequent posts). She has been honest with you that this is a maladaptive coping mechanism that she is aware of. You also state that, after you have expressed how this affects you, she has made an effort to come back and say sorry ... so she heard you, and is putting in effort to value your feelings.

soooo i am seeing a person who is really self aware and trying, matching up with a person (OP) who isn't extending grace and sympathy toward their partner. She isn't making you feel any way. You are unhappy that she isn't reacting the EXACT way you want ... which also sounds like a pretty controlling relationship.

So my advice is for your GF to run from YOU, unless you can extend her some empathy.

[Anonymous]

Pp, I don’t think that’s what OP is asking for. The habit of shutting down and not communicating is immature and dismissive. This escalates the disagreement and make things worse.

[Anonymous]

What she does is not ok regardless of what she had gone through in the past. This is a different relationship and bringing previous hang ups in this are not ok.