How to deal with GF that shuts down?

[Anonymous]

My gf has a tendency of shutting down on small disagreements(not even arguments). This happens when we are on phone or FT and she quickly hangs up abruptly and shuts down. She had a difficult marriage and as she gave told me this was her coping mechanism in the past. This makes me feel hurt and I feel dismissed and a little disrespected. I have told her that and she comes back and say sorry but I am not sure how to deal with this or constructively improve on the situation. We are both in our mid 40s.

[Anonymous]

Op, did she recommend any changes when you tell her that you were hurt from her behavior? If there is love then you both could work together in improving this situation.

[Anonymous]

This is not healthy and you guys need to work on having clear and direct communication. This could lead to resentment long term.

[Anonymous]

She may need to process the situation, where as you want to get through it. Talk a out these differences, and hopefully compromise. Eg, when she's upset, she should be able to say, "Larlo, I can't talk about this now, can we continue this discussion over the weekend?" As long as she gives you a *when* it should be ok with you to wait.

[Anonymous]

This was posted last week. Read that thread

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This was posted last week. Read that thread

Correct. The answer from last week was to walk away.

[Anonymous]

Different Op from last week. She does say that she will talk later by saying that I am upset but to me, it looks like she’s upset during that moment. I don’t like how she cuts me off, gets dismissive and make me feel unwanted.

[Anonymous]

Walk away.

[Anonymous]

It could be maladaptive left over from her old relationship. Depending on level of abuse she experienced, it could be that if she didn’t walk away before bad things would happen. So she walks away now.
All I can say is I was like this (and worse) after growing up in abuse. My husband would say to me “I’m not your dad, we can talk through this together.” And I would reframe my feelings and talk it out. It was very hard at first. You could try something similar if you want. It will be slow progress but it may be worth a try.
Sucks, but I had people walk away from me before and I understood. I was kind of a mess, so if you do walk, it is understandable.

[Anonymous]

Give her space.

[Anonymous]

Those are very good point, PP. yes, she was in a very controlling 20 year marriage and her husband was emotionally abusive and she told me that this is her mechanism to cope with it. I would try to talk to her in the way you suggested and work on these issues with her in patient and supportive way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Give her space.

Yes, give her space by walking away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Give her space.

PP is so full of sh*t

sorry but run as fast as you can away from your GF. this is just the beginning of the abuse she will inflict on you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My gf has a tendency of shutting down on small disagreements(not even arguments). This happens when we are on phone or FT and she quickly hangs up abruptly and shuts down. She had a difficult marriage and as she gave told me this was her coping mechanism in the past. This makes me feel hurt and I feel dismissed and a little disrespected. I have told her that and she comes back and say sorry but I am not sure how to deal with this or constructively improve on the situation. We are both in our mid 40s.

*disrespected*

You should probably spend more time considering that. It’s not good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Give her space.

PP is so full of sh*t

sorry but run as fast as you can away from your GF. this is just the beginning of the abuse she will inflict on you.

DCUM is full of women who want to talk all the time on their schedule. Last week’s OP showed that they really don’t understand people who need space.