Co-parenting questions

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you address co-parenting when one parent is sometimes MIA when you have multiple children and the child with special needs is prone to periods of instability and sometimes requires two adults? I'm asking both in terms of an agreement and also in terms of just having a plan. Do you have a person on call? We don't have family nearby so would that be a professional? What kind of professional? What do you spell out in the agreement when you have custody but might need help when there is an emergency? What do you put in the agreement in terms of your rights to seek emergency action like hospitalization?

I’m sorry, OP. This sounds really difficult.
Your questions about custody and agreements makes me think you will have a lawyer soon if you don’t already, and this is something they should be able to help with. Same with emergency action/hospitalization.
If you haven’t found an attorney yet, be sure one of the questions you ask when interviewing them is what kind of experience they have with custody issues with SN kids and unreliable coparents.

[Anonymous]

We have a safety plan for the other kids so they have a place in the house to go where they can stay and lock the door if necessary. I have a neighbor with a child with similar issues and we text each other when we need another adult for backup. Depending on the situation, you can call the county crisis hotline - they will not come immediately but can often help talk you through next steps. You can also call 911 as a very last resort if your child is doing something that can cause them or someone else physical harm, like running into traffic.

I’m not sure if this is what you mean or if your co-parent doesn’t have a crisis plan and you don’t want to always be the backup. We developed our plan with the help of providers we work with who have seen it all and had good suggestions. If there is conflict about what to do, maybe a neutral 3rd party like this can help with a plan for each household.

[Anonymous]

I think of the spouse has money they could pay for a trained on-call caregiver as someone mentioned when they are not available to help.

Other things that come up as I think about this is building in respite and time with each child so even if the children don't live with ex ex needs to be available on a regular basis to take the kids. To give you time to give children more individual attention ex could take the NT kids only sometimes and sometimes only the child with SN.

I'm not sure most lawyers even if they work with SN families could help on crisis plans. I would check with your SN child's care providers and hopefully some parents can weigh in here too.

[Anonymous]

I think PP's strategy of having a neighbor friend available is great but making a friend like that takes time and luck.

[Anonymous]

OP didn’t specify what type of issues they are dealing with. So FWIW, here’s what my life looked like. I am not a single parent but spouse often traveled for work and due to medical issues of extended family members.

No matter how good you think your friends and neighbors are, it’s not very likely they will show up for a crisis. So it’s all on you. You make whatever decisions you have to in the moment and deal with the fallout later. If that means hospitalization without spouse’s consent or permission, you do it.

You find yourself making decisions that you never imagined. Like giving a young kid a cellphone even when you generally think that’s a bad idea. or letting your younger kids home alone because you had no options. If you’ve ever been in an ER overnight, you’ll understand that there are things far worse than an eight year old staying alone in the safety of their own home.

You take a self defense class so you learn how to restrain your violent kid and you make sure your phone is always charged and that everyone in the house has a phone and knows how to call 9-1-1. You make sure your local policing authority knows you and your situation.

You have an escape plan. Maybe you keep a car parked on the next street over and a set of keys in your yard. Maybe you keep a ladder in your bedroom so you can climb out the window. Whatever. Your house is filled with just things and there is no point at trying to keep things safe when it puts you and your other kids at risk.

You have a good set of professionals working with your child and you have a good IEP in place in hopes of avoiding crises. You make sure you have health insurance to pay for those crisis hospital visits. You spend the college fund on whatever isn’t covered by insurance.

As far as agreements. Honestly, to me, it’s a who cares issue. If I were in a crisis, I’d do what needed to be done, not what an agreement said to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you address co-parenting when one parent is sometimes MIA when you have multiple children and the child with special needs is prone to periods of instability and sometimes requires two adults? I'm asking both in terms of an agreement and also in terms of just having a plan. Do you have a person on call? We don't have family nearby so would that be a professional? What kind of professional? What do you spell out in the agreement when you have custody but might need help when there is an emergency? What do you put in the agreement in terms of your rights to seek emergency action like hospitalization?

Our agreement spells out that the parent with the child is able to consent to hospitalization for a period of 72 hours without consent of the other parent, and after 72hours continued hospitalization requires the consent of both parents, and we have a parenting coordinator who is supposed to help us with those moments.

We have not put those terms to the test because all hospitalizations to date were under a different agreement in which one parent had medical tie-breaker and did not require consent of the other parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have personally witnessed a poor child having a meltdown at a therapist and two adults were needed to chase the child down.

When you are dealing with multiple children even if only one has SN there are so many possibilities. If the child needs to go to the ER who is watching the other kids especially if they are preschoolers or younger? If a child needs to be restrained, who is watching the other kids? If a child elopes can you leave the others alone? These might be blue moon scenarios for NT kids but for some children with special needs this may happen a few times a week or a few times per day. It's a really hard question. I don't know how I would deal.

As a single parent of a child that has had all of those scenarios you manage. Both kids go with you to the ER. One child sits with an admin while you chase the melting child. The other kids end up having to witness the restraint. It’s not pretty but it is possible.

There's suddenly an "admin" who is magically available at your home to help you as you chase your other child who has run into the street and is having an autistic meltdown?

That you prevent by placing deadbolts on doors out of reach of the kids. My kid would elope from public places and I would have to ask for help. It was easiest when it happened in a medical or school setting. When it happened in a public place like a park or restaurant it was harder. So we were never far from the car which meant I could put one kid in the car if I had to chase the other.

You live your life with the “what if” cloud over your head and you plan accordingly.

I really don't know what's wrong with you and your superiority complex. Do you think you're that much smarter than others? We have deadbolts but my child is huge and smart and that won't deter the child from running out into the street.

Why are you being so hostile? Clearly they figured out what works from them.

You need double key deadbolts not flip deadbolts.