friend died last night

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. When she called to tell me the news, she was hysterical. The detectives had just left their house. It didn't occur to me at the time (as I was in shock) to ask what happened. I could barely understand what she was saying on the phone. Her first instinct was to tell me that he was dead, not how he had died. I was immediately more concerned about whether or not she was alone, where her parents are, how quickly could I get over to her house, etc... I found out what happened later on in the day. It's been a couple of days now and she still can't talk about how it happened. She may not be able to do that for weeks. As she says, it doesn't matter how it happened, it did happen and he's gone. I'm sure this is something she'll obssess about later but just not now.

For the folks who reminded me of the "fade away" of support from friends, thank you. I'll keep that in the forefront of my mind in the weeks and months to come.

SO what DID happen?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:am i the only one that thinks it's a little odd to say 'it doesn't matter how it happened'?

.

I'm 13:03. I do think it is odd, but it sounds like his death might have been out of the norm. It was obviously unexpected.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:am i the only one that thinks it's a little odd to say 'it doesn't matter how it happened'?

Yes. It's obviously a coping mechanism to keep moving forward - dwelling on how it happened doesn't change the fact that he's gone. It also probably means she doesn't want to talk about int now.

[Anonymous]

If there were detectives there, it was obviously something traumatic and unexpected. I don't think it's that out of the ordinary for someone to try to make sense of it by pushing the details aside for awhile. The girlfriend's probably in shock.

OP, I am very sorry for your loss.

[Anonymous]

It was the Sunday morning metro train accident on the Orange line. And, no, I don't think it was odd that she react in that way. She's in shock. Nothing is "normal" about this. She doesn't know what to think, what to say, what to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:am i the only one that thinks it's a little odd to say 'it doesn't matter how it happened'?

.

I'm 13:03. I do think it is odd, but it sounds like his death might have been out of the norm. It was obviously unexpected.

Just adding to this - if I was the one surviving the death of a loved one that was violent or overly traumatic, I would not want to dwell on that, as that would likely upset me more as I relived their suffering.

Not that dying of a heart attack or stroke isn't traumatic, but I'm speaking comparatively.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It was the Sunday morning metro train accident on the Orange line. And, no, I don't think it was odd that she react in that way. She's in shock. Nothing is "normal" about this. She doesn't know what to think, what to say, what to do.

Oh, no. Was it a suicide? I'm so sorry. I think I witnessed a near-jump once on the metro and it has haunted me for years even though the young man did not do it.

[Anonymous]

That's horrible (how he died). Does anyone know why he was on the tracks? Was it a suicide?

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm so sorry for you and your friend.

[Anonymous]

Oh, so sorry. It's hard not to speculate. If the girlfriend suspects it was a suicide, I hardly think she'd want to dissect that with others. It's terribly hard for family members and loved ones to remember that suicides are mental health issues and not the fault of their survivors.

I'd tell her directly that you are going to call at least once a week unless she tells you it is intrusive. That you ARE going to bring by dinner once a week to drop it off only in case she wants to be alone, but if she wants to chat, you absolutely will make the time to stay awhile. If she finds this stifling, tell her to tell you and you'll find another way to help, even if it is just to give her space.

Sorry for your loss, and for hers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:am i the only one that thinks it's a little odd to say 'it doesn't matter how it happened'?

.

I'm 13:03. I do think it is odd, but it sounds like his death might have been out of the norm. It was obviously unexpected.

And OP probably doesn't want to divulge what happened on here...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:am i the only one that thinks it's a little odd to say 'it doesn't matter how it happened'?

.

I'm 13:03. I do think it is odd, but it sounds like his death might have been out of the norm. It was obviously unexpected.

And OP probably doesn't want to divulge what happened on here...

Just read that she already divulged what happened.

OP - I'm very sorry. That is horrible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:am i the only one that thinks it's a little odd to say 'it doesn't matter how it happened'?

I don't think it's odd, having been through the unexpected deaths of 2 friends. One was due to a health problem my friend didn't know she had, the other was suicide. It's really, really hard to tell the story over and over and over when it first happens. Especially a suicide. You don't think it's real and time moves strangely. Then you are wondering if it was your fault. OP is not the only person she had to tell. Maybe she didn't want to discuss it again.

[Anonymous]

My father died of cancer recently and I agree that the fade-away is difficult. So much support and then...nothing. I never realized this before; I've lost loved ones, but my father got sick and died in a short time, we're still in shock.

My advice? Call or email every day to check in. Be there in person when you can. I have no idea how to address the specific pain involved in a suicide, but she is going to need help, I'm guessing. I'm so sorry for your loss, OP.

[Anonymous]

http://www.wydaily.com/local-news/4671-wam-student-killed-in-dc-train-accident.html