friend died last night

[Anonymous]

A friend of mine, who was also my co-worker, died last night. He was in his 20's. His girlfriend, a good friend of mine, called to tell me the news this morning. She is, understandably, in shock. The question: how do I support her? They have been dating for about 2 years and were a wonderful couple. I think they were talking about getting married. What do I do? I've never lost anyone close to me before so I don't know what is good to say (if anything can be good) and what is especially bad to say. I know this is going to be a long road for her. Those of you who have lost people close to you, what did you need?

Also, I don't know how he died. I couldn't ask my friend that question. It didn't seem appropriate. He may have been the guy hit by the orange line but I just don't know. It's driving me crazy. I know that's selfish of me.

[Anonymous]

be honest with her.
tell her that nothing you say will make her feel better but that you'll be there for her for whatever she needs (mean it and be there for her!)
whenever i lost people i loved, the ones who helped me the most were the ones who were there with me, in silence assisting me during my grief.
little actions like sharing a meal, helping with chores around the house, occupying her time, letting her talk might help you to get started. let her do the talking. don't try to sound super nice, sweet, understanding. in the end it just sounds fake and superficial.

[Anonymous]

That's horrible. Just let her know you are here for her. FYI, I think it would have been more than okay for you ask what happened. It is normal and she did call you.

[Anonymous]

I would call and say, I know how hard it is to get off the couch after a shock like this. Can I bring you dinner? I can stay or leave as you prefer. What day is good.

Maybe offer to go with her to some of the paperwork appointments she may have to deal with.

[Anonymous]

Oh yeah - and call her back in a week and offer again. My husband is ill - the fade-away is really disappointing.

[Anonymous]

this is super tough b/c people deal with grief in different ways. offering so much "help" might overwhelm her if she needs alone time. but i totally agree with 17:04 that fade-away is disappointing. we lost our best friend last year and still can't believe she's gone. we make an effort to stay in touch with her family and honor her memory in other ways. telling her that you'll be there when she needs you, when she's ready, and reminding her later will go a long way.

i'm so sorry for your loss too.

[Anonymous]

Make offers to help in specific ways -- I will bring dinner over on Tuesday or mow your lawn on Wednesday -- rather than asking what you can do. When my mom was sick, it was too hard for me to think of ways that people could help, but I really appreciated people who just took the initiative.

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry to hear this. Very upsetting. Yes, let her know you are there for her and I agree with offering specifics like can I bring you dinner on....or send flowers or something. I would not necessarily say "I will mow the lawn on Wed" unless you are very close and know this is what she wants.Anything you offer or say to show your care is a good thing. Some people don't know what to do or say so these just let it go and that can be painful.

[Anonymous]

Do you have her personal email?
Maybe email her and say I'm thinking of you. Is there anything I can do? Tell her you're there for her if she needs to talk or if she wants company.
Email her every other day, even every day if she responds.

Were they living together?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh yeah - and call her back in a week and offer again. My husband is ill - the fade-away is really disappointing.

i agree with this. she's going to be flooded with sympathy, for like a week. then all those people who were genuinely touched upon hearing the news are going to drift onto their next thing, but her grief is only going to start getting real, as the shock wears off...

[Anonymous]

Unless it was a suicide, I can't imagine that the cause of death would not have come up when the friend called with the news. If the girlfriend is OP's good friend, wouldn't they have discussed what happened?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unless it was a suicide, I can't imagine that the cause of death would not have come up when the friend called with the news. If the girlfriend is OP's good friend, wouldn't they have discussed what happened?

I agree. It seems weird they didn't discuss it. What did they discuss on the call? Typically women dissect everything.

[Anonymous]

OP here. When she called to tell me the news, she was hysterical. The detectives had just left their house. It didn't occur to me at the time (as I was in shock) to ask what happened. I could barely understand what she was saying on the phone. Her first instinct was to tell me that he was dead, not how he had died. I was immediately more concerned about whether or not she was alone, where her parents are, how quickly could I get over to her house, etc... I found out what happened later on in the day. It's been a couple of days now and she still can't talk about how it happened. She may not be able to do that for weeks. As she says, it doesn't matter how it happened, it did happen and he's gone. I'm sure this is something she'll obssess about later but just not now.

For the folks who reminded me of the "fade away" of support from friends, thank you. I'll keep that in the forefront of my mind in the weeks and months to come.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. When she called to tell me the news, she was hysterical. The detectives had just left their house. It didn't occur to me at the time (as I was in shock) to ask what happened. I could barely understand what she was saying on the phone. Her first instinct was to tell me that he was dead, not how he had died. I was immediately more concerned about whether or not she was alone, where her parents are, how quickly could I get over to her house, etc... I found out what happened later on in the day. It's been a couple of days now and she still can't talk about how it happened. She may not be able to do that for weeks. As she says, it doesn't matter how it happened, it did happen and he's gone. I'm sure this is something she'll obssess about later but just not now.

For the folks who reminded me of the "fade away" of support from friends, thank you. I'll keep that in the forefront of my mind in the weeks and months to come.

Thanks for explaining. It makes a lot more sense now.

Again, I am sorry as it sounds like it was very traumatic.

[Anonymous]

am i the only one that thinks it's a little odd to say 'it doesn't matter how it happened'?