DHs random money anxiety

[Anonymous]

Are these all fintech or something?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He’s feeling emasculated.

My hunch as well

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find all of this to be completely relatable

Same! I totally relate to OP whose income this year will exceed the sum total of my retirement savings in over 30 years of working. #1percentproblems

+3
Whyyyy am I reading this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH and I make a ton of money. It’s new to us but we’re on track to clear $900k this year with all of my RSUs and it could be closer to a million. For context, this amount is with a new job of mine but previously we’ve been clearing 400-500k for five years or so.

I have no idea where to put this in my head but he gets super nervous about spending now. He makes these broad announcements that “we’re not spending money this week.” Or he just walked into the living room and announced to me that next week on vacation I have to “be reasonable.”

For that one, I looked down at my target sundress laying on my decade old kid stained couch and I was like “please explain one instance where I wasn’t ‘reasonable’.” He of course can’t and just is like “you know what I mean!!” Which to be honest I DONT bc the minute I try to ask him what reasonable means to him he gets all flustered.

Not only is it annoying but it really gets me going when I’m the one clearing $750k, please look me in the eye and tell me not to go clothes shopping on vacation. I feel it would be pretty rude to point this out to him but I’m right on the edge. There is no history of either of us being spenders or flashy at all. Our biggest splurge is a house in Chevy Chase. Outside of that it’s seven year old cars and target runs.

Has anyone experienced a spouse getting more controlling about money the more you have?

Wait, so you make $750K and he makes $150K, and HE is controlling to YOU about money?

keep in mind that she's not clearing $750k in cash, though. some percentage of her comp is in the form of, lets just call them risk-tokens, that have an ever-changing value but whose tax withholdings must be paid, in cash, on vest, and for which a larger tax bill may be due when actually converted to dollars (aka sold). her spouse may not have input or insight into trading windows, blackout restrictions, whether she's elected to sell on grant or whether she's pulled cash from their joint checking account to pay the tax witholding because she's decided to play roulette and believes the stock price will only go up.

they are in this interstitial place where one talks about risk tokens in terms of their present value when translated into dollars, but it's all make-believe for as long as they are not actually dollars.

because it turns out that taxes and mortgage and credit card bills and tuition can't be paid in last fridays value of whatever stock this is. just cash.

anyway, if they aren't talking about this in detail and have everything mapped out with the tax consequences, spouse may have some good reason to be freaking out. in short, they need to talk more, and they need to have a better understanding of each others risk tolerances, expenses, and just how they relate to money, gambling, and stock holding.

[Anonymous]

oh, look, here's a thread ALSO on the front page: "why does my company under-withhold for RSU vests" https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1138914.page

complete with an idiot, "What really sucks is I rarely sell stock so I’m paying taxes in real money on comp that’s locked up in stock."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH and I make a ton of money. It’s new to us but we’re on track to clear $900k this year with all of my RSUs and it could be closer to a million. For context, this amount is with a new job of mine but previously we’ve been clearing 400-500k for five years or so.

I have no idea where to put this in my head but he gets super nervous about spending now. He makes these broad announcements that “we’re not spending money this week.” Or he just walked into the living room and announced to me that next week on vacation I have to “be reasonable.”

For that one, I looked down at my target sundress laying on my decade old kid stained couch and I was like “please explain one instance where I wasn’t ‘reasonable’.” He of course can’t and just is like “you know what I mean!!” Which to be honest I DONT bc the minute I try to ask him what reasonable means to him he gets all flustered.

Not only is it annoying but it really gets me going when I’m the one clearing $750k, please look me in the eye and tell me not to go clothes shopping on vacation. I feel it would be pretty rude to point this out to him but I’m right on the edge. There is no history of either of us being spenders or flashy at all. Our biggest splurge is a house in Chevy Chase. Outside of that it’s seven year old cars and target runs.

Has anyone experienced a spouse getting more controlling about money the more you have?

Wait, so you make $750K and he makes $150K, and HE is controlling to YOU about money?

keep in mind that she's not clearing $750k in cash, though. some percentage of her comp is in the form of, lets just call them risk-tokens, that have an ever-changing value but whose tax withholdings must be paid, in cash, on vest, and for which a larger tax bill may be due when actually converted to dollars (aka sold). her spouse may not have input or insight into trading windows, blackout restrictions, whether she's elected to sell on grant or whether she's pulled cash from their joint checking account to pay the tax witholding because she's decided to play roulette and believes the stock price will only go up.

they are in this interstitial place where one talks about risk tokens in terms of their present value when translated into dollars, but it's all make-believe for as long as they are not actually dollars.

because it turns out that taxes and mortgage and credit card bills and tuition can't be paid in last fridays value of whatever stock this is. just cash.

anyway, if they aren't talking about this in detail and have everything mapped out with the tax consequences, spouse may have some good reason to be freaking out. in short, they need to talk more, and they need to have a better understanding of each others risk tolerances, expenses, and just how they relate to money, gambling, and stock holding.

This is OP and this is thematically correct. I vest about $150k quarterly in our stock (yes I’m in fintech) which we sell immediately and put into a boring bogglehead style portfolio. So he feels very blind to that and thinks our stock portfolio “doesn’t count”. I think he thinks that bc he can’t remember the passcode so can’t go look at our money.

I also suspect he’s feeling emasculated. We have such a solid partnership. It feels super disappointing. And also please don’t tell me a trip to Sezane for a new summer dress is something that needs to be discussed here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH and I make a ton of money. It’s new to us but we’re on track to clear $900k this year with all of my RSUs and it could be closer to a million. For context, this amount is with a new job of mine but previously we’ve been clearing 400-500k for five years or so.

I have no idea where to put this in my head but he gets super nervous about spending now. He makes these broad announcements that “we’re not spending money this week.” Or he just walked into the living room and announced to me that next week on vacation I have to “be reasonable.”

For that one, I looked down at my target sundress laying on my decade old kid stained couch and I was like “please explain one instance where I wasn’t ‘reasonable’.” He of course can’t and just is like “you know what I mean!!” Which to be honest I DONT bc the minute I try to ask him what reasonable means to him he gets all flustered.

Not only is it annoying but it really gets me going when I’m the one clearing $750k, please look me in the eye and tell me not to go clothes shopping on vacation. I feel it would be pretty rude to point this out to him but I’m right on the edge. There is no history of either of us being spenders or flashy at all. Our biggest splurge is a house in Chevy Chase. Outside of that it’s seven year old cars and target runs.

Has anyone experienced a spouse getting more controlling about money the more you have?

Wait, so you make $750K and he makes $150K, and HE is controlling to YOU about money?

keep in mind that she's not clearing $750k in cash, though. some percentage of her comp is in the form of, lets just call them risk-tokens, that have an ever-changing value but whose tax withholdings must be paid, in cash, on vest, and for which a larger tax bill may be due when actually converted to dollars (aka sold). her spouse may not have input or insight into trading windows, blackout restrictions, whether she's elected to sell on grant or whether she's pulled cash from their joint checking account to pay the tax witholding because she's decided to play roulette and believes the stock price will only go up.

they are in this interstitial place where one talks about risk tokens in terms of their present value when translated into dollars, but it's all make-believe for as long as they are not actually dollars.

because it turns out that taxes and mortgage and credit card bills and tuition can't be paid in last fridays value of whatever stock this is. just cash.

anyway, if they aren't talking about this in detail and have everything mapped out with the tax consequences, spouse may have some good reason to be freaking out. in short, they need to talk more, and they need to have a better understanding of each others risk tolerances, expenses, and just how they relate to money, gambling, and stock holding.

This is OP and this is thematically correct. I vest about $150k quarterly in our stock (yes I’m in fintech) which we sell immediately and put into a boring bogglehead style portfolio. So he feels very blind to that and thinks our stock portfolio “doesn’t count”. I think he thinks that bc he can’t remember the passcode so can’t go look at our money.

I also suspect he’s feeling emasculated. We have such a solid partnership. It feels super disappointing. And also please don’t tell me a trip to Sezane for a new summer dress is something that needs to be discussed here.

Are you a software engineer or finance person?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH and I make a ton of money. It’s new to us but we’re on track to clear $900k this year with all of my RSUs and it could be closer to a million. For context, this amount is with a new job of mine but previously we’ve been clearing 400-500k for five years or so.

I have no idea where to put this in my head but he gets super nervous about spending now. He makes these broad announcements that “we’re not spending money this week.” Or he just walked into the living room and announced to me that next week on vacation I have to “be reasonable.”

For that one, I looked down at my target sundress laying on my decade old kid stained couch and I was like “please explain one instance where I wasn’t ‘reasonable’.” He of course can’t and just is like “you know what I mean!!” Which to be honest I DONT bc the minute I try to ask him what reasonable means to him he gets all flustered.

Not only is it annoying but it really gets me going when I’m the one clearing $750k, please look me in the eye and tell me not to go clothes shopping on vacation. I feel it would be pretty rude to point this out to him but I’m right on the edge. There is no history of either of us being spenders or flashy at all. Our biggest splurge is a house in Chevy Chase. Outside of that it’s seven year old cars and target runs.

Has anyone experienced a spouse getting more controlling about money the more you have?

Yes, absolutely. Different situation because I work very PT and DH makes the bulk of the money. His salary and our net worth have grown a lot over the years (yes I know, thanks to him.) But I swear he is more anxious about the money now than he was when we had much less. I don't know if its because he feels like his number of years to earn are obviously getting shorter whereas at the beginning he had his whole career ahead of him. But it does feel like a pathology to me, his level of distress over this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH and I make a ton of money. It’s new to us but we’re on track to clear $900k this year with all of my RSUs and it could be closer to a million. For context, this amount is with a new job of mine but previously we’ve been clearing 400-500k for five years or so.

I have no idea where to put this in my head but he gets super nervous about spending now. He makes these broad announcements that “we’re not spending money this week.” Or he just walked into the living room and announced to me that next week on vacation I have to “be reasonable.”

For that one, I looked down at my target sundress laying on my decade old kid stained couch and I was like “please explain one instance where I wasn’t ‘reasonable’.” He of course can’t and just is like “you know what I mean!!” Which to be honest I DONT bc the minute I try to ask him what reasonable means to him he gets all flustered.

Not only is it annoying but it really gets me going when I’m the one clearing $750k, please look me in the eye and tell me not to go clothes shopping on vacation. I feel it would be pretty rude to point this out to him but I’m right on the edge. There is no history of either of us being spenders or flashy at all. Our biggest splurge is a house in Chevy Chase. Outside of that it’s seven year old cars and target runs.

Has anyone experienced a spouse getting more controlling about money the more you have?

Wait, so you make $750K and he makes $150K, and HE is controlling to YOU about money?

keep in mind that she's not clearing $750k in cash, though. some percentage of her comp is in the form of, lets just call them risk-tokens, that have an ever-changing value but whose tax withholdings must be paid, in cash, on vest, and for which a larger tax bill may be due when actually converted to dollars (aka sold). her spouse may not have input or insight into trading windows, blackout restrictions, whether she's elected to sell on grant or whether she's pulled cash from their joint checking account to pay the tax witholding because she's decided to play roulette and believes the stock price will only go up.

they are in this interstitial place where one talks about risk tokens in terms of their present value when translated into dollars, but it's all make-believe for as long as they are not actually dollars.

because it turns out that taxes and mortgage and credit card bills and tuition can't be paid in last fridays value of whatever stock this is. just cash.

anyway, if they aren't talking about this in detail and have everything mapped out with the tax consequences, spouse may have some good reason to be freaking out. in short, they need to talk more, and they need to have a better understanding of each others risk tolerances, expenses, and just how they relate to money, gambling, and stock holding.

This is OP and this is thematically correct. I vest about $150k quarterly in our stock (yes I’m in fintech) which we sell immediately and put into a boring bogglehead style portfolio. So he feels very blind to that and thinks our stock portfolio “doesn’t count”. I think he thinks that bc he can’t remember the passcode so can’t go look at our money.

I also suspect he’s feeling emasculated. We have such a solid partnership. It feels super disappointing. And also please don’t tell me a trip to Sezane for a new summer dress is something that needs to be discussed here.

Fintech is high risk right now — many have failed, regulation is circling, and higher rates can make it tougher. I think the bubble has deflated so most companies still going have real revenue but long term profitability is a real uncertainty

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you kidding me? My husband is the same but he makes 5x times what I do (we clear 7 figures easily).

You need to spend every dollar you bring in. And then once you’ve accumulated all the stuff divorce the jackhole. Because you’ll pay a ton in alimony otherwise.

Does this advice apply to your husband as well? He needs to spend every dollar he brings in and then divorce you?

Alimony is based on income, so spending it won't change that.

Also the "stuff" is still marital asset unless it is consumed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH and I make a ton of money. It’s new to us but we’re on track to clear $900k this year with all of my RSUs and it could be closer to a million. For context, this amount is with a new job of mine but previously we’ve been clearing 400-500k for five years or so.

I have no idea where to put this in my head but he gets super nervous about spending now. He makes these broad announcements that “we’re not spending money this week.” Or he just walked into the living room and announced to me that next week on vacation I have to “be reasonable.”

For that one, I looked down at my target sundress laying on my decade old kid stained couch and I was like “please explain one instance where I wasn’t ‘reasonable’.” He of course can’t and just is like “you know what I mean!!” Which to be honest I DONT bc the minute I try to ask him what reasonable means to him he gets all flustered.

Not only is it annoying but it really gets me going when I’m the one clearing $750k, please look me in the eye and tell me not to go clothes shopping on vacation. I feel it would be pretty rude to point this out to him but I’m right on the edge. There is no history of either of us being spenders or flashy at all. Our biggest splurge is a house in Chevy Chase. Outside of that it’s seven year old cars and target runs.

Has anyone experienced a spouse getting more controlling about money the more you have?

Wait, so you make $750K and he makes $150K, and HE is controlling to YOU about money?

keep in mind that she's not clearing $750k in cash, though. some percentage of her comp is in the form of, lets just call them risk-tokens, that have an ever-changing value but whose tax withholdings must be paid, in cash, on vest, and for which a larger tax bill may be due when actually converted to dollars (aka sold). her spouse may not have input or insight into trading windows, blackout restrictions, whether she's elected to sell on grant or whether she's pulled cash from their joint checking account to pay the tax witholding because she's decided to play roulette and believes the stock price will only go up.

they are in this interstitial place where one talks about risk tokens in terms of their present value when translated into dollars, but it's all make-believe for as long as they are not actually dollars.

because it turns out that taxes and mortgage and credit card bills and tuition can't be paid in last fridays value of whatever stock this is. just cash.

anyway, if they aren't talking about this in detail and have everything mapped out with the tax consequences, spouse may have some good reason to be freaking out. in short, they need to talk more, and they need to have a better understanding of each others risk tolerances, expenses, and just how they relate to money, gambling, and stock holding.

This is OP and this is thematically correct. I vest about $150k quarterly in our stock (yes I’m in fintech) which we sell immediately and put into a boring bogglehead style portfolio. So he feels very blind to that and thinks our stock portfolio “doesn’t count”. I think he thinks that bc he can’t remember the passcode so can’t go look at our money.

I also suspect he’s feeling emasculated. We have such a solid partnership. It feels super disappointing. And also please don’t tell me a trip to Sezane for a new summer dress is something that needs to be discussed here.

Are you a software engineer or finance person?

Compliance

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH and I make a ton of money. It’s new to us but we’re on track to clear $900k this year with all of my RSUs and it could be closer to a million. For context, this amount is with a new job of mine but previously we’ve been clearing 400-500k for five years or so.

I have no idea where to put this in my head but he gets super nervous about spending now. He makes these broad announcements that “we’re not spending money this week.” Or he just walked into the living room and announced to me that next week on vacation I have to “be reasonable.”

For that one, I looked down at my target sundress laying on my decade old kid stained couch and I was like “please explain one instance where I wasn’t ‘reasonable’.” He of course can’t and just is like “you know what I mean!!” Which to be honest I DONT bc the minute I try to ask him what reasonable means to him he gets all flustered.

Not only is it annoying but it really gets me going when I’m the one clearing $750k, please look me in the eye and tell me not to go clothes shopping on vacation. I feel it would be pretty rude to point this out to him but I’m right on the edge. There is no history of either of us being spenders or flashy at all. Our biggest splurge is a house in Chevy Chase. Outside of that it’s seven year old cars and target runs.

Has anyone experienced a spouse getting more controlling about money the more you have?

Wait, so you make $750K and he makes $150K, and HE is controlling to YOU about money?

keep in mind that she's not clearing $750k in cash, though. some percentage of her comp is in the form of, lets just call them risk-tokens, that have an ever-changing value but whose tax withholdings must be paid, in cash, on vest, and for which a larger tax bill may be due when actually converted to dollars (aka sold). her spouse may not have input or insight into trading windows, blackout restrictions, whether she's elected to sell on grant or whether she's pulled cash from their joint checking account to pay the tax witholding because she's decided to play roulette and believes the stock price will only go up.

they are in this interstitial place where one talks about risk tokens in terms of their present value when translated into dollars, but it's all make-believe for as long as they are not actually dollars.

because it turns out that taxes and mortgage and credit card bills and tuition can't be paid in last fridays value of whatever stock this is. just cash.

anyway, if they aren't talking about this in detail and have everything mapped out with the tax consequences, spouse may have some good reason to be freaking out. in short, they need to talk more, and they need to have a better understanding of each others risk tolerances, expenses, and just how they relate to money, gambling, and stock holding.

This is OP and this is thematically correct. I vest about $150k quarterly in our stock (yes I’m in fintech) which we sell immediately and put into a boring bogglehead style portfolio. So he feels very blind to that and thinks our stock portfolio “doesn’t count”. I think he thinks that bc he can’t remember the passcode so can’t go look at our money.

I also suspect he’s feeling emasculated. We have such a solid partnership. It feels super disappointing. And also please don’t tell me a trip to Sezane for a new summer dress is something that needs to be discussed here.

Are you a software engineer or finance person?

Compliance

My DH is in compliance at regulator, how would he transition to a job like this?

[Anonymous]

I think you should create a budget.

This is how much we invest
This is how much we save for retirement
This is how much we save for college

(Whatever your categories are)

And then this is how much we spend without feeling bad about it.

At your income level there should be enough for all of those categories for you all to be happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH and I make a ton of money. It’s new to us but we’re on track to clear $900k this year with all of my RSUs and it could be closer to a million. For context, this amount is with a new job of mine but previously we’ve been clearing 400-500k for five years or so.

I have no idea where to put this in my head but he gets super nervous about spending now. He makes these broad announcements that “we’re not spending money this week.” Or he just walked into the living room and announced to me that next week on vacation I have to “be reasonable.”

For that one, I looked down at my target sundress laying on my decade old kid stained couch and I was like “please explain one instance where I wasn’t ‘reasonable’.” He of course can’t and just is like “you know what I mean!!” Which to be honest I DONT bc the minute I try to ask him what reasonable means to him he gets all flustered.

Not only is it annoying but it really gets me going when I’m the one clearing $750k, please look me in the eye and tell me not to go clothes shopping on vacation. I feel it would be pretty rude to point this out to him but I’m right on the edge. There is no history of either of us being spenders or flashy at all. Our biggest splurge is a house in Chevy Chase. Outside of that it’s seven year old cars and target runs.

Has anyone experienced a spouse getting more controlling about money the more you have?

Wait, so you make $750K and he makes $150K, and HE is controlling to YOU about money?

keep in mind that she's not clearing $750k in cash, though. some percentage of her comp is in the form of, lets just call them risk-tokens, that have an ever-changing value but whose tax withholdings must be paid, in cash, on vest, and for which a larger tax bill may be due when actually converted to dollars (aka sold). her spouse may not have input or insight into trading windows, blackout restrictions, whether she's elected to sell on grant or whether she's pulled cash from their joint checking account to pay the tax witholding because she's decided to play roulette and believes the stock price will only go up.

they are in this interstitial place where one talks about risk tokens in terms of their present value when translated into dollars, but it's all make-believe for as long as they are not actually dollars.

because it turns out that taxes and mortgage and credit card bills and tuition can't be paid in last fridays value of whatever stock this is. just cash.

anyway, if they aren't talking about this in detail and have everything mapped out with the tax consequences, spouse may have some good reason to be freaking out. in short, they need to talk more, and they need to have a better understanding of each others risk tolerances, expenses, and just how they relate to money, gambling, and stock holding.

This is OP and this is thematically correct. I vest about $150k quarterly in our stock (yes I’m in fintech) which we sell immediately and put into a boring bogglehead style portfolio. So he feels very blind to that and thinks our stock portfolio “doesn’t count”. I think he thinks that bc he can’t remember the passcode so can’t go look at our money.

I also suspect he’s feeling emasculated. We have such a solid partnership. It feels super disappointing. And also please don’t tell me a trip to Sezane for a new summer dress is something that needs to be discussed here.

Are you a software engineer or finance person?

Compliance

My DH is in compliance at regulator, how would he transition to a job like this?

Google and make a list of all fintechs that have gone public in the last two years or who have recently raised their series D. Update your LinkedIn w all the relevant key words and start applying. Director level is about 200-300 base plus 250k RSUs a year and if you’re lucky they’ll pop and you’ll be more like 500k.

Fintech is not the gravy train it was but we still have to move money everyday so there are lots of solid, sound ones out there that are not robinhood and Coinbase

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like he has a gambling problem.

+1. 100% a secret gambling problem