DHs random money anxiety

[Anonymous]

My DH and I make a ton of money. It’s new to us but we’re on track to clear $900k this year with all of my RSUs and it could be closer to a million. For context, this amount is with a new job of mine but previously we’ve been clearing 400-500k for five years or so.

I have no idea where to put this in my head but he gets super nervous about spending now. He makes these broad announcements that “we’re not spending money this week.” Or he just walked into the living room and announced to me that next week on vacation I have to “be reasonable.”

For that one, I looked down at my target sundress laying on my decade old kid stained couch and I was like “please explain one instance where I wasn’t ‘reasonable’.” He of course can’t and just is like “you know what I mean!!” Which to be honest I DONT bc the minute I try to ask him what reasonable means to him he gets all flustered.

Not only is it annoying but it really gets me going when I’m the one clearing $750k, please look me in the eye and tell me not to go clothes shopping on vacation. I feel it would be pretty rude to point this out to him but I’m right on the edge. There is no history of either of us being spenders or flashy at all. Our biggest splurge is a house in Chevy Chase. Outside of that it’s seven year old cars and target runs.

Has anyone experienced a spouse getting more controlling about money the more you have?

[Anonymous]

Sounds like he has a gambling problem.

[Anonymous]

Maybe he's trying to assert his masculinity by laying down the law? Depending on your personality, I'd either have a meeting with any advisor and set up pre-agreed budgets for things like vacations, fun money, etc., or laugh and downplay/ignore, or sit him down and ask what is making him act like this when you guys are in a better financial place than ever.

[Anonymous]

We also just had a big bump in HHI driven by my new job. My husband hasn’t targeted comments at me but both of us have been struggling with “this is temporary don’t get used to this level of income.” What helps us is to go through and list the things already taken care of (401k, 529s etc) and realize this is truly just bonus money. Like you, we’re not crazy with that extra money (yessss to target runs!).

[Anonymous]

My dh is sorta the same way. We’ve been making extraordinary money for a long time but have consistently been several million for more than a decade with a truly insane $14M year very recently

I do agree with him that just because we have a lot doesn’t mean that we need to spend it and neither of us are into flaunting it and certainly keeping our kids grounded is important.

In the flip side I will occasionally suggest something that is very expensive and he will respond that we cannot afford it. We can afford it. And while objectively it may be insanely priced it’s not unreasonable for us to spend money for it.

I think some people struggle with that level of wealth change. I don’t think it has anything to do with gender.

[Anonymous]

i mean, it might be good to explore his anxiety with a therapist? Or to sit down with a financial advisor to discuss how you're socking money away for a less-flush future, and what those risk profiles look like.

if his parents were really bad with money it can cause a lot of long-term fears and short-term economic windfalls can paradoxically make that anxiety worse.

Or if he has dot-com crash fears he is reliving. RSUs don't trigger AMT as badly as ISOs, but if you're not selling on vest and rebalancing you can end up with a lot of risk and overexposure to a single company with your income AND your holdings both dependent on that company. spending usually goes on credit cards. $10 million in stock can turn into $0 but also come with a million dollar tax bill still due seemingly overnight. and if the holdings and direction are all yours, your spouse may be feeling particularly insecure.

While you know you AREN'T going out and buying a $60,000 handbag on a joint credit card, the fact remains that you *could*, and he could end up liable for that debt and not have the resources to cover it on his more modest salary.

anyway. talk more. be more detailed about the financial allocations. and go on a target shopping spree if you want! but you should probably only mentally shopping spree with funds that are actually cash, as opposed to funds that are still employer stock holdings.

--someone that's been through a few rounds of "i'm set for life! whoops, no i'm not."

[Anonymous]

oh, and— fun tech marriage and divorce fact, capital LOSSES aren't an asset you can divvy up or assign in a divorce, they follow whoever was granted the original holding, regardless of who covered the actual loss.

so that was several hundred thousand down the drain that my ex got the perpetual benefit of for future capital gains.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH and I make a ton of money. It’s new to us but we’re on track to clear $900k this year with all of my RSUs and it could be closer to a million. For context, this amount is with a new job of mine but previously we’ve been clearing 400-500k for five years or so.

I have no idea where to put this in my head but he gets super nervous about spending now. He makes these broad announcements that “we’re not spending money this week.” Or he just walked into the living room and announced to me that next week on vacation I have to “be reasonable.”

For that one, I looked down at my target sundress laying on my decade old kid stained couch and I was like “please explain one instance where I wasn’t ‘reasonable’.” He of course can’t and just is like “you know what I mean!!” Which to be honest I DONT bc the minute I try to ask him what reasonable means to him he gets all flustered.

Not only is it annoying but it really gets me going when I’m the one clearing $750k, please look me in the eye and tell me not to go clothes shopping on vacation. I feel it would be pretty rude to point this out to him but I’m right on the edge. There is no history of either of us being spenders or flashy at all. Our biggest splurge is a house in Chevy Chase. Outside of that it’s seven year old cars and target runs.

Has anyone experienced a spouse getting more controlling about money the more you have?

Wait, so you make $750K and he makes $150K, and HE is controlling to YOU about money?

[Anonymous]

Are you kidding me? My husband is the same but he makes 5x times what I do (we clear 7 figures easily).

You need to spend every dollar you bring in. And then once you’ve accumulated all the stuff divorce the jackhole. Because you’ll pay a ton in alimony otherwise.

[Anonymous]

I find all of this to be completely relatable

[Anonymous]

Decide on a budget together with fun spending for each of you. Done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find all of this to be completely relatable

Same! I totally relate to OP whose income this year will exceed the sum total of my retirement savings in over 30 years of working. #1percentproblems

[Anonymous]

How much do you actually spend?
I may guess he doesn't count your >$150K/yr as spendable money, for social equity reasons. He wants you to spend within his budget.

Or he feels guilty about your family spending vs poor people in US or worldwide. Does he ask to donate to charity?

He needs to dig into his feelings and explain his thinkin

[Anonymous]

He’s feeling emasculated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH and I make a ton of money. It’s new to us but we’re on track to clear $900k this year with all of my RSUs and it could be closer to a million. For context, this amount is with a new job of mine but previously we’ve been clearing 400-500k for five years or so.

I have no idea where to put this in my head but he gets super nervous about spending now. He makes these broad announcements that “we’re not spending money this week.” Or he just walked into the living room and announced to me that next week on vacation I have to “be reasonable.”

For that one, I looked down at my target sundress laying on my decade old kid stained couch and I was like “please explain one instance where I wasn’t ‘reasonable’.” He of course can’t and just is like “you know what I mean!!” Which to be honest I DONT bc the minute I try to ask him what reasonable means to him he gets all flustered.

Not only is it annoying but it really gets me going when I’m the one clearing $750k, please look me in the eye and tell me not to go clothes shopping on vacation. I feel it would be pretty rude to point this out to him but I’m right on the edge. There is no history of either of us being spenders or flashy at all. Our biggest splurge is a house in Chevy Chase. Outside of that it’s seven year old cars and target runs.

Has anyone experienced a spouse getting more controlling about money the more you have?

Wait, so you make $750K and he makes $150K, and HE is controlling to YOU about money?

I think the disparity is the problem.