Middle school girl friendships

[Anonymous]

Middle School is all about being nice to your old friends because all of a sudden, you may have to have lunch alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD is just finishing up 8th and, IME, things settle down as they progress through middle school.

The friend groups shake up a lot in 6th (and, to some degree, each school year- often depending on who has classes and lunch period together). At this point, there is a lot more crossover between friend “groups” - girls drift in and out, amicably, and often based on circumstance or interests (rather than dislike or exclusion).

My best advice is never to put all eggs in one basket- keep various friends (old friends from elementary, new school friends, neighborhood friends, sports friends etc) and don’t invest all time in one friend (“besties”) or group.

It helps, as a parent, to be extra generous at this time, in terms of allowing DD to have girls over, or be willing to drive a group to the movies etc.

However, there will always always be a few persistently “mean girls”. Unfortunately- That’s life. Stay away from them and focus on the 90%+ of girls who are nice (imperfect and have their moments as most do, but overall nice).

Very little drama as compared with 5th/6th grades which I found to be the worst. The girls do mature and figure things out a bit.

This has been our experience- my DD is also finishing up 8th. Last year was the worst and there was active exclusion. That still happens to an extent, but it feels like there is more fluidity and floating in and out of friend groups. It will be interesting to see how things change in high school.

[Anonymous]

I have boys this age, and they (in aggregate) seem like idiotic aliens making dumb decisions, but not actively mean or exclusionary. Honestly, I’ve encouraged them to pursue platonic friendships with some of the low-key girls. The boys are way more loyal and there isn’t all of this head-game stuff. What you see and what they say is what it is. And these low-key girls talk them out of things like filling buckets of soda and sticking mentos in.

[Anonymous]

You have another year or two of rough water before things settle down

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/26187246/

Salient points:

About half of all friendships formed in middle school (any grade) do not last an academic year.

Sixth grade friendships are considered “highly unstable, because primary school friendship groups are transformed across the first year of middle school.”

Eighth grade are also “highly unstable, because most new friendships do not survive the transition into high school.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have boys this age, and they (in aggregate) seem like idiotic aliens making dumb decisions, but not actively mean or exclusionary. Honestly, I’ve encouraged them to pursue platonic friendships with some of the low-key girls. The boys are way more loyal and there isn’t all of this head-game stuff. What you see and what they say is what it is. And these low-key girls talk them out of things like filling buckets of soda and sticking mentos in.

Funny. My son’s friend groups have so much more drama/meanness/exclusion than my daughter’s.

Depends on the kids.

[Anonymous]

Yes it gets better.

Grade school is a small pond and the move to larger schools always creates a bit of this. There are also big changes at this age and some kids are still little kids in 6th grade and early 7th and some act like teenagers and that can be cause a lot of rifts

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have boys this age, and they (in aggregate) seem like idiotic aliens making dumb decisions, but not actively mean or exclusionary. Honestly, I’ve encouraged them to pursue platonic friendships with some of the low-key girls. The boys are way more loyal and there isn’t all of this head-game stuff. What you see and what they say is what it is. And these low-key girls talk them out of things like filling buckets of soda and sticking mentos in.

I have a high schooler and this is true - because boys go through this phase later. I’d say 8th/9th grade boys are some of the meanest people on earth. Lots of show off attempts to humiliate other boys in some attempt to be the alpha. Around 14 the girls get better. Boys get worse. It’s prob bc puberty timelines are later.

[Anonymous]

So far as I've heard, most of the middle school drama seems to be about girls fighting over a few boys' attention. Lord help you if your son is cute.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have boys this age, and they (in aggregate) seem like idiotic aliens making dumb decisions, but not actively mean or exclusionary. Honestly, I’ve encouraged them to pursue platonic friendships with some of the low-key girls. The boys are way more loyal and there isn’t all of this head-game stuff. What you see and what they say is what it is. And these low-key girls talk them out of things like filling buckets of soda and sticking mentos in.

This is so stereotypical and not even true. I’ve seen plenty of boys engage in truly harmful bullying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lots of friendship changes in 6th grade! That was normal for both of my daughters. And I will also confirm that a lot of kids are just plain MEAN.

Their parents aren’t so great, either

+1. Middle school has largely been about learning which families share your values.

Not sure about this. My middle school daughter is facing exclusionary behavior by some of her elementary school friends. I'm pretty sure the other kids are just trying to be cool because they are immature and it's easier to follow the crowd. I wouldn't say that reflects on their family values. I'm pretty sure their parents wouldn't be happy to learn about the"mean girl" stuff, but I also don't think they could force their kids to change.

In general most middle schoolers are not perfect and don't always act the way their parents taught them or how their parents want them to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lots of friendship changes in 6th grade! That was normal for both of my daughters. And I will also confirm that a lot of kids are just plain MEAN.

Their parents aren’t so great, either

+1. Middle school has largely been about learning which families share your values.

I hardly come into contact with any families anymore. There are the parents we know from elementary, but my DD and her elementary friends have gone their own ways. I am not close with the parents of her new friends. I’ve only met them a handful of times…nice people, but impossible to know their values!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have boys this age, and they (in aggregate) seem like idiotic aliens making dumb decisions, but not actively mean or exclusionary. Honestly, I’ve encouraged them to pursue platonic friendships with some of the low-key girls. The boys are way more loyal and there isn’t all of this head-game stuff. What you see and what they say is what it is. And these low-key girls talk them out of things like filling buckets of soda and sticking mentos in.

This is so stereotypical and not even true. I’ve seen plenty of boys engage in truly harmful bullying.

Just because you don’t like stereotypes doesn’t mean what I’ve seen is “not even true.” Also, we are not talking about bullying at all (which both boys and girls do). OP’s examples were almost entirely typical middle school meanness. Bullying is different and you really shouldn’t swing around the term or label without understanding the difference.

[Anonymous]

Ugh this is rough to read. My daughter is in fifth and has the year OP describes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have boys this age, and they (in aggregate) seem like idiotic aliens making dumb decisions, but not actively mean or exclusionary. Honestly, I’ve encouraged them to pursue platonic friendships with some of the low-key girls. The boys are way more loyal and there isn’t all of this head-game stuff. What you see and what they say is what it is. And these low-key girls talk them out of things like filling buckets of soda and sticking mentos in.

I have a high schooler and this is true - because boys go through this phase later. I’d say 8th/9th grade boys are some of the meanest people on earth. Lots of show off attempts to humiliate other boys in some attempt to be the alpha. Around 14 the girls get better. Boys get worse. It’s prob bc puberty timelines are later.

I have both and my experience is that they boy drama is much, MUCH less frequent overall but can be extremely cruel. I also agree that it happens later. From what I see 9th and 10th.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lots of friendship changes in 6th grade! That was normal for both of my daughters. And I will also confirm that a lot of kids are just plain MEAN.

Their parents aren’t so great, either

+1. Middle school has largely been about learning which families share your values.

I have/had no idea what other families’ values are at this stage. For us, it is/was more about trusting the values you’ve instilled in your own kid up to this point.