Middle school girl friendships

[Anonymous]

My DD is finishing 6th grade and it has been a roller coaster of a year with friendships changing. She started the year with a solid group of friends from elementary, and I would say that pretty much none of them are still friends.

It feels like every month there was drama with someone being mean and causing a rift among some of the others. Tons of people being excluded at different times, people turning on one another, someone deciding they have nothing in common anymore with someone else and no longer want to be friends.

My DD was crying tonight that she feels like she has no friends anymore and everyone is just so mean all the time.

I am really curious what the next two years will hold so wondering if I should expect at least 2 more years of this and when the dust will settle.

What has others’ experience been?

[Anonymous]

My DD went to a small elementary school and by 6th grade they were all tired of each other so there was a lot of snappy behavior and fighting. Middle school was so much bigger so in the beginning of 7th grade she kind of clung to her elementary friends but was happy to make new friends. By 8th grade she had a whole new group who she had a lot more in common with and there has been no drama. She is so much happier. I hope you have the same experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD is finishing 6th grade and it has been a roller coaster of a year with friendships changing. She started the year with a solid group of friends from elementary, and I would say that pretty much none of them are still friends.

It feels like every month there was drama with someone being mean and causing a rift among some of the others. Tons of people being excluded at different times, people turning on one another, someone deciding they have nothing in common anymore with someone else and no longer want to be friends.

My DD was crying tonight that she feels like she has no friends anymore and everyone is just so mean all the time.

I am really curious what the next two years will hold so wondering if I should expect at least 2 more years of this and when the dust will settle.

What has others’ experience been?

My experience is that MS girls are horrible people. It gets worse before better. The key, well maybe not the key but it will help, is to DIVERSIFY friends in different groups / areas of her life. There is still drama, even in HS, fwiw. It just appears to be less . . . primal, than it is in MS. Those girls are vicious.

[Anonymous]

Lots of friendship changes in 6th grade! That was normal for both of my daughters. And I will also confirm that a lot of kids are just plain MEAN.

[Anonymous]

I have a daughter that age and they seem to be slightly behind your group. They are cliquey and argue and then are best friends again. 6th grade has been constant drama.

I can only compare to my older son. I don’t know if it’s similar but he had a tight group in upper elementary - 7th grade. There seemed to be some drama in middle school but more than that, they made new friends and many went in different directions. Now in 10th he doesn’t talk to any kids he hung out with in elementary or middle school at all. High school really changed everything.

[Anonymous]

I facilitated my DD having multiple friend-groups so if she had a bomb in one friend group, she wasn't left friendless. Also, I encouraged her to befriend the kind kids, and to be low drama. I talked about my own friendships (both the ones I had at her age, and my current ones) and explained my logic in approaching situations. She saw me assume the best many times, like "I miss Grace, I haven't heard from her in two months. It's really stressful moving to a new state by yourself while working full time and then immediately breaking your leg. I can't be angry at her for not reaching out to me - the last thing she needs is another difficultly to deal with!" Or "Bianca left without saying goodbye or thank you, after I put in so much work on this party. I know she was really stressed about getting home safely so had to jump on that offer Keri and Joel made to drive her home." So while maybe she couldn't relate to the exact issues I'd have, she'd see me extending grace, and hear my friends extended grace to me (like when I forgot a friend's birthday when my grandmother died and we had to put our dog to sleep in the same weekend).

[Anonymous]

So glad MS in FCPS is only 2 years. 6th grade was relatively drama free because she was still in ES. This year has brought a lot of changes, and although I have stayed out of friendship drama for the most part, I have been talking to her and asking her questions that allows DD to work out for herself who is and is not a good friend. It’s taken a year, but it’s finally sinking in that girls that are drama will eventually drag you into it as well, and that one can be friendly without being friends. There is still enough drama swirling around to fill several soap operas, but DD has managed to stay on the sidelines and not get involved.

I’m hoping that next year is a little bit easier.

[Anonymous]

My DD is just finishing up 8th and, IME, things settle down as they progress through middle school.

The friend groups shake up a lot in 6th (and, to some degree, each school year- often depending on who has classes and lunch period together). At this point, there is a lot more crossover between friend “groups” - girls drift in and out, amicably, and often based on circumstance or interests (rather than dislike or exclusion).

My best advice is never to put all eggs in one basket- keep various friends (old friends from elementary, new school friends, neighborhood friends, sports friends etc) and don’t invest all time in one friend (“besties”) or group.

It helps, as a parent, to be extra generous at this time, in terms of allowing DD to have girls over, or be willing to drive a group to the movies etc.

However, there will always always be a few persistently “mean girls”. Unfortunately- That’s life. Stay away from them and focus on the 90%+ of girls who are nice (imperfect and have their moments as most do, but overall nice).

Very little drama as compared with 5th/6th grades which I found to be the worst. The girls do mature and figure things out a bit.

[Anonymous]

Yeah. It can be vicious. I'm sorry her year didn't end on a good note, but that doesn't mean she won't have a good year next year. Some people will stay mean, some people will get tired of being victims and opt out of the drama. It hurts now, but I don't think it will be that way forever. And a new year always scrambles kids up and they end up hanging out with people they didn't the year before. Just listen to her sadness and read a book together or something like that. Big hugs.

[Anonymous]

Middle school is the worst. I believe it’s worse when 6th grade is in middle school.

Agree with the others - diversify friend groups, including outside her school.

As a PP mentioned, encourage her to look for kind friends. Sometimes, the “cool” kids aren’t the nicest. And I know that some kids who are a little image conscious seek out the cool kids when there are other nice kids who aren’t creating drama.

A PP mentioned showing when they give their friends grace. I don’t disagree with that but I do the opposite because my daughter tends to be a pushover. I tell her about the times someone was mean to me and that I either knew they weren’t a good friend or that I put up with it for too long and shouldn’t have. I know there is a line to that, because it could be misinterpreted that friendship drama is normal. But the point that friends may disagree but they don’t make you feel like crap is an important one, IMO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lots of friendship changes in 6th grade! That was normal for both of my daughters. And I will also confirm that a lot of kids are just plain MEAN.

Their parents aren’t so great, either

[Anonymous]

My dd had a rough drama- filled 5th grade year, 6th grade things quieted down but she wasn’t really sure who her friends were, 7th and 8th actually surprisingly easier as she had a small but very nice and low-drama friend group, then it all shifted again in high school as kids reshuffled themselves by interests etc. It’s SO hard to watch it happen but it really is the norm for friendships to end or change at this age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I facilitated my DD having multiple friend-groups so if she had a bomb in one friend group, she wasn't left friendless. Also, I encouraged her to befriend the kind kids, and to be low drama. I talked about my own friendships (both the ones I had at her age, and my current ones) and explained my logic in approaching situations. She saw me assume the best many times, like "I miss Grace, I haven't heard from her in two months. It's really stressful moving to a new state by yourself while working full time and then immediately breaking your leg. I can't be angry at her for not reaching out to me - the last thing she needs is another difficultly to deal with!" Or "Bianca left without saying goodbye or thank you, after I put in so much work on this party. I know she was really stressed about getting home safely so had to jump on that offer Keri and Joel made to drive her home." So while maybe she couldn't relate to the exact issues I'd have, she'd see me extending grace, and hear my friends extended grace to me (like when I forgot a friend's birthday when my grandmother died and we had to put our dog to sleep in the same weekend).

OMG- why not teach your daughter how to reach out to a friend first?? Poor woman moved and broke her leg? I’d have flown out there to help her out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lots of friendship changes in 6th grade! That was normal for both of my daughters. And I will also confirm that a lot of kids are just plain MEAN.

Their parents aren’t so great, either

+1. Middle school has largely been about learning which families share your values.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I facilitated my DD having multiple friend-groups so if she had a bomb in one friend group, she wasn't left friendless. Also, I encouraged her to befriend the kind kids, and to be low drama. I talked about my own friendships (both the ones I had at her age, and my current ones) and explained my logic in approaching situations. She saw me assume the best many times, like "I miss Grace, I haven't heard from her in two months. It's really stressful moving to a new state by yourself while working full time and then immediately breaking your leg. I can't be angry at her for not reaching out to me - the last thing she needs is another difficultly to deal with!" Or "Bianca left without saying goodbye or thank you, after I put in so much work on this party. I know she was really stressed about getting home safely so had to jump on that offer Keri and Joel made to drive her home." So while maybe she couldn't relate to the exact issues I'd have, she'd see me extending grace, and hear my friends extended grace to me (like when I forgot a friend's birthday when my grandmother died and we had to put our dog to sleep in the same weekend).

This is great advice. I've noticed that the kids (and adults) with the most drama are the ones who read into every little sign and take it personally rather than giving people the benefit of the doubt.