Non-social teens

[Anonymous]

In my opinion, you definitely can’t force kids to socialize- you can, however, force them to do an extracurricular or sport (of their choosing). In lieu of those, volunteer work or a part time job. Most of those options are social, even if it doesn’t lead to making close friends

[Anonymous]

I was an introvert. I still made plans with friends, just less often and fewer but closer friends.

The ability to organize plans and invite is a skill. One you have to practice. And yes kids need to be pushed to work that muscle. It can be less often than extroverts but the longer they go not practicing it the worse anxiety about it gets. It’s the same reason that kids given more freedom (like walking to school, walking with friends to the park etc) when younger are more confident and less anxious overall.

I’d be most concerned with the 16 yo - not even texting friends shows that she is lacking connections in her life. Hopefully the job helps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My teen is younger (13) but doesn’t really hang out with anyone outside school or activities. He seems to have a full social life on discord where the fans of a particular video game congregate and share relevant art (he likes to draw and writes fan fiction). So it may well be that they do socialize, we just don’t know it.

My son, 15, is similar to this. But I am concerned. He was uninterested in joining any school clubs. I kinda want to require him to do one or more activities a week that interact with others IRL. I don’t want to micromanage him, but left to plan his own time, it’s pretty much screens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think this group was hit particularly hard by Covid because they missed the years of figuring out social stuff in MS. I feel like this age group is developmentally about two years behind.

This generation is affected; no - afflicted with social anxiety and fear, thanks to a toxic mix of phones, social media, and remote ordering.

It is common for teens to fear interacting with strangers to such a degree they will only order food online, pay online, then grab it off a “to go” shelf, then eat in their car.

All this, simply to avoid speaking face to face with an actual person.

This doesn’t sound like what OP described at all.

Agree .
I also thought it didn't describe todays teens at all. My daughter and her friends go up to strangers all the time just to say "I like your outfit" And strangers her age come up to her saying the same thing. And my daughter has lifelong social anxiety she was born with. Ans especially Swifties. They all go up to eo as soon as they spot a Tshirt.

HOWEVER, what she's saying perfectly describe me - and the internet didn't even come out until my Junior year of college. No cell phones till after college. And only computer geeks knew how to use chat rooms. So what explains me?!

[Anonymous]

My teen daughter has a few friends. I've started telling her she has to hang out with someone at least once a month. She grudgingly agrees but I can tell that really does want to be forced to.

[Anonymous]

What is their socialization like during school hours? Are they socializing with other kids in between classes or are they more withdrawn?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my opinion, you definitely can’t force kids to socialize- you can, however, force them to do an extracurricular or sport (of their choosing). In lieu of those, volunteer work or a part time job. Most of those options are social, even if it doesn’t lead to making close friends

I was going to post more or less the same as PP and a few others. I think it's nice for kids who are on the quieter side to have a reason to get out of the house and have a social outlet, and that doesn't have to be a group of kids. Sitting in their rooms alone won't put them in a position to move out of their comfort zone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is their socialization like during school hours? Are they socializing with other kids in between classes or are they more withdrawn?

This is OP. My 16 year old says she eats lunch with one friend but it’s possible she’s just saying that because we ask and she knows we would be concerned if she told us she was eating alone. I sometimes suspect she does eat alone simply because she has no interaction with this girl outside of lunch/school. She did join a club and has been part of it all three years of HS but it doesn’t require any interactions with others since she just watches other students present a topic every week. When we are out in a social setting she’s very withdrawn and doesn’t talk to others unless they speak first. Yes I’ve tried to get her in therapy but she has refused.

[Anonymous]

It’s no coincidence that so many teens are introverted, socially awkward and anxious with the prevalence of social media and texting, and with the lack of personal contact with others.

[Anonymous]

My 15 yo is introverted and prefers to be alone. He played a team sport last year in school and made a lot of friends, more like acquaintances, but he said the hours and time commitment was too much for him and he’s not continuing. He doesn’t want to join any clubs or activities but is excited to look for part time jobs. I think that’s a good compromise and still gets him out. I remember my high school jobs being very social.

[Anonymous]

This is so many kids, including my own. It’s the phones. I don’t think I’m being dramatic when I say the phones have ruined this generation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my opinion, you definitely can’t force kids to socialize- you can, however, force them to do an extracurricular or sport (of their choosing). In lieu of those, volunteer work or a part time job. Most of those options are social, even if it doesn’t lead to making close friends

I was going to post more or less the same as PP and a few others. I think it's nice for kids who are on the quieter side to have a reason to get out of the house and have a social outlet, and that doesn't have to be a group of kids. Sitting in their rooms alone won't put them in a position to move out of their comfort zone.

As someone who likes quiet and spends a lot of time at home, I think this is great advice. It’s easy for “restorative time at home” to slip into “too much time indoors alone” without someone noticing. And even those of us who like to be at home usually do feel refreshed after an outing and/or some contact with others. Of course, kids in schools are out and interacting all day, so that might not apply as much during the school year.

OP, I’ve decided that one of the best ways I can help my introverted kid is to subtly highlight the fact that she’s making choices and all of those choices come with positives and negatives. If you go out with people who aren’t your closest friends, you might find it tiring or even annoying. If you stay home, you won’t have that opportunity to make or deepen friendships and you might feel FOMO. There isn’t a right or wrong, but it helps to know what needs your feeling at the moment and which things you prioritize.

Any introverted teen (or adult!) in the social media age is going to slip into periods of feeling like everyone is hanging out but her, but I’m hoping that DD can at least counter it a little by knowing how her choices played in. If the resting time was a bigger priority, problem solved. If not, she can make a different choice next time.