Do flakey parents not understand kids are disappointed?

[Anonymous]

Why didn’t she just take your kid to the movies?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why didn’t she just take your kid to the movies?

Because she's selfish and has zero interest in reciprocating?

[Anonymous]

My kids are teens now, but when they were little, I had a similar experience too. My son was friends with a boy. The boy was great! He was nice, and they played very well together. The mom was also very nice too, and so flaky! She would commit to plans and cancel last minute. After the third time I stopped making plans with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids are teens now, but when they were little, I had a similar experience too. My son was friends with a boy. The boy was great! He was nice, and they played very well together. The mom was also very nice too, and so flaky! She would commit to plans and cancel last minute. After the third time I stopped making plans with her.

I submitted ahead of time. My solution was to explain to my son that they would only be school friends., To play at recess and that seem to work in terms of managing disappointment for my kid on our end.

[Anonymous]

Oh I’m so sorry. I’d give her one excused bad behavior but twice, that’s so awful. Especially movie tickets???? Um can’t you refund movie tickets? My kids are so disappointed when people cancel which has always been because of illness (although I suppose they could be lying) that some one who is so careless would not be invited again. Feel bad for their kid too.

[Anonymous]

We've dealt with this too and it's hard. But I also recognize that sometimes it's not really "flakiness." I mean it is, but the cause isn't just not caring. It's mental health issues, general life overwhelm, sometimes financial issues, sometimes marital problems.

My DD's best friend in school last year came from challenging circumstances -- divorced parents, definitely some financial adversity, maybe other stuff going on. Whenever we set up play dates, they'd be late or wouldn't come at all. We were the only ones who initiated these. I'd always check in with DD -- "okay, we'll set this up but you know sometimes it's hard for her mom to make these plans right? So let's make a back up plan in case she can't make it last minute." My kid actually rolled with it well. She was also disappointed sometimes. That's life. This year they aren't in the same class and while they've gone to each other's birthdays, we don't get together as much. They are still friends and play at school. My DD has never let whatever circumstances make her family less reliable get in the way of liking this friend, and I follow her lead.

Just be realistic, prepare your kid, and help them deal with it when they are disappointed. Learn from negative experiences and set playdates up differently the next time (maybe inviting two kids, one whose family is more reliable).

It is what it is. You can dwell on it or you can figure out how to work with it. I always try to remind myself my kid is watching and will follow my lead, and handle it the way I hope she'll handle it in the future.

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous]We've dealt with this too and it's hard. But I also recognize that sometimes it's not really "flakiness." I mean it is, but the cause isn't just not caring. It's mental health issues, general life overwhelm, sometimes financial issues, sometimes marital problems.

My DD's best friend in school last year came from challenging circumstances -- divorced parents, definitely some financial adversity, maybe other stuff going on. Whenever we set up play dates, they'd be late or wouldn't come at all. We were the only ones who initiated these. I'd always check in with DD -- "okay, we'll set this up but you know sometimes it's hard for her mom to make these plans right? So let's make a back up plan in case she can't make it last minute." My kid actually rolled with it well. She was also disappointed sometimes. That's life. This year they aren't in the same class and while they've gone to each other's birthdays, we don't get together as much. They are still friends and play at school. My DD has never let whatever circumstances make her family less reliable get in the way of liking this friend, and I follow her lead.

Just be realistic, prepare your kid, and help them deal with it when they are disappointed. Learn from negative experiences and set playdates up differently the next time (maybe inviting two kids, one whose family is more reliable).

It is what it is. You can dwell on it or you can figure out how to work with it. I always try to remind myself my kid is watching and will follow my lead, and handle it the way I hope she'll handle it in the future.[/quote]

This is a great way to go. So true that often there's something behind the "flakiness." Good way to teach your kids a lesson about being gracious (especially in these cases where it's not the other kid's fault at all, but their parent's) and also protecting herself with a backup activity.

[Anonymous]

No more 1:1s. I get the being understanding and gracious angle but I would stop with the solo invites. Do a group thing, invite the kid, and if he doesn't show, that's fine.

[Anonymous]

Is your child an only child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is your child an only child?

This confuses me. Should a kid with siblings be less upset that his friends rude mother flaked?

What does the sibling status have to do with this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is your child an only child?

This confuses me. Should a kid with siblings be less upset that his friends rude mother flaked?

What does the sibling status have to do with this

The PP is trying to evoke the “poor only child” trope.

My DD has a younger brother and is also bothered when plans cancel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I arrange those kind of things with those kind of parents I never tell my kid till its confirmed/last minute.

Invited on a Friday and time pinned down on a Saturday is “confirmed.” In no universe is this OP’s fault.

I don’t think this poster is blaming OP but rather giving advice in case OP’s kid likes the other kid enough to want to keep inviting them. And I think it’s good advice. We have family friends who sometimes have to cancel last minute because of a younger sibling in daycare who gets sick a lot. So when I make plans with them, I either invite others to join the group, or else keep it quiet until the last minute.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, look forward to the time when your kid will arrange his own social life. The sooner the better. There will be disappointments. He will zero-in on kids who can come-through and be there for each other. Most you can do to help is to always work to expand his world so he can have a wide circle of possible friends and kids who are available.

Not sure how this will help. Presumably OP is not the one proactively setting up the play dates, the kids are making plans in school or something. But the other kid’s family life is so unbalanced that they can’t commit to a simple drop-off play date.

(Unless I’m misreading and it’s a case of OP’s kid constantly initiating and the other kid not being as into it).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Very rude! How did you respond to her text (if you responded at all)?

I simply said, “Have fun.”

She then went on and on about feeling bad and “we’d love to see you at the pool later” and I didn’t respond.

You did the right thing. Just respond “Sure” and put it out of your mind. Your son and the kid can be recess friends during the school year, and pool friends during the summer. I wouldn’t invite that kid to anything scheduled anymore, even group events, other than birthday parties.

[Anonymous]

I for real can't imagine this happening. I would have dropped the kid off for the playdate and then taken my other kids to the movies or I would have invited the other kid to join for the movies. Like just saying I bought movie tickets is it not anyway an excuse. That really sucks and I would not ever again reach out with plans because that's not just flaky its rude.