Teen obsessed with ordering food/eating out

[Anonymous]

My younger friends (20s, early 30s) eat nothing at home. Every single piece of food they eat every day they buy while they're out or they order in. They will even order Starbucks to their home. Now in their case, they're paying for it themselves as opposed to demanding it from others. But it's quite shocking. I occasionally fall into this pattern for a day or two when I'm very busy or feel down, but then I snap out of it and realize that just because I CAN have any kind of food at any time, it doesn't mean that I can't just have yogurt or scrambled eggs or a piece of salmon at home.

The availability of any kind of food at any time of day at our fingertips, combined with with the fact that it doesn't feel like we're really paying for it because it's all automated to our debit or credit cards, has made this a trend among a lot of people. It's obviously extra problematic when she doesn't even pay for it herself. I think at the very least you need to not pay for it, unless it's for the whole family. You can't really control what she does with her own money or what her friends pay for. Hopefully at some point she and others will realize how indulgent and wasteful this is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 15 DD is literally obsessed with eating out almost every meal. She asks for us to get take out, she wants to order Uber eats, if we are driving somewhere she begs to stop to go to a drive through. For ex this week she’s asked for South Block, Baskin-Robbins, Tropical Smoothie, Chipotle, Starbucks, ihop, and take out from a local Mexican place.

We do not eat out often as a family due to time constraints with their sports. We do not do food delivery unless it’s pizza. I don’t drink coffee so there’s no Starbucks habit. If we get take out it’s sushi. Hence we typically eat most of all meals from home that we have made, unless it’s a special occasion. I’m not opposed to going to restaurants it’s just we don’t often have that time.

We just aren’t a take out or under eats or drive through family. 1) it’s really expensive and 2) restaurant food is full of salt, oil, etc and isn’t good for you in large volumes. But if there is a team dinner or a birthday or we want to be spontaneous, sure. We also have plenty of food at home, and I ask my kids every week what they want to eat. Our cub boards aren’t bear.

My teen literally has found ways for friends and her boyfriend to order her food, constantly. One day she had tropical smoothie, McDonald’s and ihop all in one day. If she asks for Starbucks and we say you have to pay for it (she has an allowance) she claims we are trying to make her skinny and don’t want to eat and are giving her an eating disorder. She’s at a perfectly healthy weight, we don’t make those comments, and we don’t restrict food in our house. We just say no to the daily (sometimes multiple times a day) with take out/fast food.

We do have a family therapist but the advice she’s been giving us isn’t working. My daughter seems to be laser focused on this power dynamic. I can’t control what she does outside this house or how she gets her friends/boyfriend to spend money on her but she brings that defiant attitude into the house. This morning she claimed we were neglecting her and not wanting her to eat because again we said no Starbucks and that she can eat one of the 50 other things we have at home for breakfast. Can anyone offer some advice? I am worried once she goes to college she’ll end up broke in the first month from spending all her money on take out food.

Tell her all that eating out is a spending disorder. Let her know the eating disorder comments are ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My younger friends (20s, early 30s) eat nothing at home. Every single piece of food they eat every day they buy while they're out or they order in. They will even order Starbucks to their home. Now in their case, they're paying for it themselves as opposed to demanding it from others. But it's quite shocking. I occasionally fall into this pattern for a day or two when I'm very busy or feel down, but then I snap out of it and realize that just because I CAN have any kind of food at any time, it doesn't mean that I can't just have yogurt or scrambled eggs or a piece of salmon at home.

The availability of any kind of food at any time of day at our fingertips, combined with with the fact that it doesn't feel like we're really paying for it because it's all automated to our debit or credit cards, has made this a trend among a lot of people. It's obviously extra problematic when she doesn't even pay for it herself. I think at the very least you need to not pay for it, unless it's for the whole family. You can't really control what she does with her own money or what her friends pay for. Hopefully at some point she and others will realize how indulgent and wasteful this is.

Are your younger friends heavy-set? My dd is in college and one of her roommates orders out all the time, two meals a day. Her friend has put on about 40 lbs in three years. If you order in/eat out constantly, you cannot avoid this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It may be helpful to think of it as an independence issue more than a food issue. Some of those restaurants are just part of the social experience as a teen more than the specific food. Sure, there is plenty of food at home, but it's not a replacement for eating a fun frozen drink with your friends.

Even though you don't have a Starbucks habit, she is interested. "We" aren't a take-out family, but she wants it. There is "not enough time" is another way of saying that it's not important enough to you. So she can be hearing that message that her wishes aren't the family way and may be feeling restricted or controlled while you are focused on practicality.

I would give in at times. Just say "sure" sometimes b/c you love her and it matters to her. If you have to say 'no' then say when you can take her, or communicate that you will make time to take her once or twice a week. Maybe Friday night is take-out night, but the rest of the week is at home. The intense desire for what you can't have may fade when it's available. A take-out food allowance of $X a week could give her a sense of independence.

This. Try to work out a compromise with her. Get her Starbucks once a week. Get takeout twice a week. That may go a long way towards making her feel heard. I would not want my kid begging other kids to buy food for her. I would rather give them some spending money every week so they are not sponging off other people.

When you cook, are you making things that she likes? Are you giving her enough food? Teens often eat voraciously.

[Anonymous]

I would probably compromise slightly. One Starbucks a week and one dinner out a week as a family. But then say no to the other times and stick to it. If she wants to spend her own money when she’s out you can’t really do much about that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It may be helpful to think of it as an independence issue more than a food issue. Some of those restaurants are just part of the social experience as a teen more than the specific food. Sure, there is plenty of food at home, but it's not a replacement for eating a fun frozen drink with your friends.

Even though you don't have a Starbucks habit, she is interested. "We" aren't a take-out family, but she wants it. There is "not enough time" is another way of saying that it's not important enough to you. So she can be hearing that message that her wishes aren't the family way and may be feeling restricted or controlled while you are focused on practicality.

I would give in at times. Just say "sure" sometimes b/c you love her and it matters to her. If you have to say 'no' then say when you can take her, or communicate that you will make time to take her once or twice a week. Maybe Friday night is take-out night, but the rest of the week is at home. The intense desire for what you can't have may fade when it's available. A take-out food allowance of $X a week could give her a sense of independence.

This. Try to work out a compromise with her. Get her Starbucks once a week. Get takeout twice a week. That may go a long way towards making her feel heard. I would not want my kid begging other kids to buy food for her. I would rather give them some spending money every week so they are not sponging off other people.

When you cook, are you making things that she likes? Are you giving her enough food? Teens often eat voraciously.

But she is getting takeout multiple times per day. I don’t think mom buying her startbucks once per week will satisfy.

[Anonymous]

Oh boy. I’d have a huge problem with this too. There is nothing you can do about others ordering it to your house. I would let that go and hope it dies out as the relationships change. What is her income source? Home allowance?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would probably compromise slightly. One Starbucks a week and one dinner out a week as a family. But then say no to the other times and stick to it. If she wants to spend her own money when she’s out you can’t really do much about that.

Agree. I’d also say no to friends ordering things to your house. This is weird and not ok. Either she tells them to stop or you do. She can get meals with them when they are hanging out together

[Anonymous]

It sounds like this is what her friends do, and she wants to "keep up with the Jones". I think you need to frame it this way to your/her therapist. It's not about wanting takeout, it's about wanting to do what "everyone else" does.

[Anonymous]

If she wants takeout, she needs to get a job. Plenty of lifeguarding opportunities available for kids her age this summer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she wants takeout, she needs to get a job. Plenty of lifeguarding opportunities available for kids her age this summer.

But it isn’t just a matter of paying for it. It is extremely unhealthy to consume this amount of take out- especially the likes of Starbucks,
IHOP, etc. She is eating crap and a lot of it- as a parent, I would limit it. Doesn’t matter who pays

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she wants takeout, she needs to get a job. Plenty of lifeguarding opportunities available for kids her age this summer.

But it isn’t just a matter of paying for it. It is extremely unhealthy to consume this amount of take out- especially the likes of Starbucks,
IHOP, etc. She is eating crap and a lot of it- as a parent, I would limit it. Doesn’t matter who pays

And this is the root of the power struggle problem. Who is in charge of what a 15 yr old puts in their body?

I’d drop the rope in this situation and not escalate this particular power struggle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she wants takeout, she needs to get a job. Plenty of lifeguarding opportunities available for kids her age this summer.

But it isn’t just a matter of paying for it. It is extremely unhealthy to consume this amount of take out- especially the likes of Starbucks,
IHOP, etc. She is eating crap and a lot of it- as a parent, I would limit it. Doesn’t matter who pays

And this is the root of the power struggle problem. Who is in charge of what a 15 yr old puts in their body?

I’d drop the rope in this situation and not escalate this particular power struggle.

So you would let your child eat junk takeout 3+ times a day and just say F* it, not my body?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she wants takeout, she needs to get a job. Plenty of lifeguarding opportunities available for kids her age this summer.

But it isn’t just a matter of paying for it. It is extremely unhealthy to consume this amount of take out- especially the likes of Starbucks,
IHOP, etc. She is eating crap and a lot of it- as a parent, I would limit it. Doesn’t matter who pays

And this is the root of the power struggle problem. Who is in charge of what a 15 yr old puts in their body?

I’d drop the rope in this situation and not escalate this particular power struggle.

So you would let your child eat junk takeout 3+ times a day and just say F* it, not my body?

DP. This is obviously not ideal, but when the kid is 15 you lose a lot of control, and at 18 you'll have virtually none.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she wants takeout, she needs to get a job. Plenty of lifeguarding opportunities available for kids her age this summer.

But it isn’t just a matter of paying for it. It is extremely unhealthy to consume this amount of take out- especially the likes of Starbucks,
IHOP, etc. She is eating crap and a lot of it- as a parent, I would limit it. Doesn’t matter who pays

And this is the root of the power struggle problem. Who is in charge of what a 15 yr old puts in their body?

I’d drop the rope in this situation and not escalate this particular power struggle.

So you would let your child eat junk takeout 3+ times a day and just say F* it, not my body?

What’s the alternative? Engaging in an escalating power struggle about food with someone very close to adulthood (not a “child” but a teen).

I don’t think trying to control them even more tightly and engaging in a cat-and-mouse game sneaking to drive-thrus with friends (which, reading between the lines, is currently happening) is helping the kid.

In just a couple years the kid is going to have complete freedom to eat as unhealthfully as she wants.