Mom telling me what to do - how to handle this

[Anonymous]

You need to set firm boundaries.

The is nothing wrong with telling her "You can do things you way but I am a adult and will do thing how I want. Please leave the rom if you are going to continue to criticize how I do things"

For the household chores "just because I am working from home doesn't mean I have time to do the chores. If you would like to vacuum go right ahead." or "I will get to it when I get to it. Please stop nagging me."

be firm in letting her know this is not up for discussion. If she does these things again repeat what you told her the first time.

[Anonymous]

I think when older parents are living in someone else's space they feel the need to assert their presence in a rage against the dying of the light sort of way. They've lost so much, they're not going to lose their opinions and voice too. On paper that sounds reasonable but there's a reason that I will help my mother to age in place as long as humanly possible. She's already a difficult personality and we would have little peace in our own home.

I feel for those who are going through this. Do they still have a hobby they can get lost in?

[Anonymous]

I've had similar experiences, OP. I've taken to smiling at my mother and saying, "Really?"

That's usually enough of a cue for her to back off.

[Anonymous]

Hey OP! Same age, same mom. My mom doesn’t live with me though.

Sometimes during a meal, I will silently count how many times she tells me what I should be doing. Kinda like a drinking game.

My mom has a strong personality and will never change. None of the advice here would work on my mom. She’d probably say “ok” if I tried to set some boundaries then would be back at it the next hour.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Mind your business.” Keep the tone neutral, but that’s the response. Every time.

pp from above. that doesn't work with my mom. she blows up at me every time I'm not answering to her satisfaction.

Last night she TOLD me I needed to buy a scooper for cat litter box. I don't. She never cleans the box and never will. But she needs to tell me what to do. I told her I'm handling it and no I don't need to buy it (albeit in a very annoyed way). She started yelling at me calling me names and hasn't talked to me since.

So I’m not that pp but the advice does work. In fact, you used a version of it when you told your mom you were handling the kitty litter. Did she have a negative reaction? Yes, she did. But that’s on her. Continue to assert yourself, let her have her reaction. Eventually she will stop telling you what to do or stop coming around. No one said it would be easy or the other person will take it gracefully.

[Anonymous]

"Wow, I am so overwhelmed, ugh, thanks for volunteering"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Mind your business.” Keep the tone neutral, but that’s the response. Every time.

pp from above. that doesn't work with my mom. she blows up at me every time I'm not answering to her satisfaction.

Last night she TOLD me I needed to buy a scooper for cat litter box. I don't. She never cleans the box and never will. But she needs to tell me what to do. I told her I'm handling it and no I don't need to buy it (albeit in a very annoyed way). She started yelling at me calling me names and hasn't talked to me since.

OK? Your experience has nothing to do with my experience. OP asked for input and I offered mine. You don’t have to agree with it. Your experience with your mom doesn’t negate my experience—and what works—with mine. Sounds like you’re pretty similar to dear old mom, barreling over me and trying to discount me because I don’t do things your way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"I'm not asking for you're opinion, mom. And you nagging me means I'm just going to not do it."

Is it petty? Yes.
Does it work? Yes.

I've been telling my mom this for at least 20 years. It doesn't work at all. She thinks as long as she can get the words out that I'm still going to listen. I don't, but she won't ever stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Mind your business.” Keep the tone neutral, but that’s the response. Every time.

pp from above. that doesn't work with my mom. she blows up at me every time I'm not answering to her satisfaction.

Last night she TOLD me I needed to buy a scooper for cat litter box. I don't. She never cleans the box and never will. But she needs to tell me what to do. I told her I'm handling it and no I don't need to buy it (albeit in a very annoyed way). She started yelling at me calling me names and hasn't talked to me since.

OK? Your experience has nothing to do with my experience. OP asked for input and I offered mine. You don’t have to agree with it. Your experience with your mom doesn’t negate my experience—and what works—with mine. Sounds like you’re pretty similar to dear old mom, barreling over me and trying to discount me because I don’t do things your way.

DP but if you have to say it "every time" what exactly is working about it? She's still doing it. Do you want her to stop or do you just want to tell her to MYOB constantly without the nagging ceasing?

[Anonymous]

You attract more flies with honey than vinegar. Ask her sweetly to be head chef a couple nights a week, and enable that via grocery shopping and showing her where everything is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Mind your business.” Keep the tone neutral, but that’s the response. Every time.

pp from above. that doesn't work with my mom. she blows up at me every time I'm not answering to her satisfaction.

Last night she TOLD me I needed to buy a scooper for cat litter box. I don't. She never cleans the box and never will. But she needs to tell me what to do. I told her I'm handling it and no I don't need to buy it (albeit in a very annoyed way). She started yelling at me calling me names and hasn't talked to me since.

Shoot, if that’s all it took to get my mom to stop talking to me, I’d open with that. Enjoy the silence until she removes herself from what should be your comfortable refuge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"I'm not asking for you're opinion, mom. And you nagging me means I'm just going to not do it."

Is it petty? Yes.
Does it work? Yes.

I've been telling my mom this for at least 20 years. It doesn't work at all. She thinks as long as she can get the words out that I'm still going to listen. I don't, but she won't ever stop.

That's too bad. It def worked for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Mind your business.” Keep the tone neutral, but that’s the response. Every time.

pp from above. that doesn't work with my mom. she blows up at me every time I'm not answering to her satisfaction.

Last night she TOLD me I needed to buy a scooper for cat litter box. I don't. She never cleans the box and never will. But she needs to tell me what to do. I told her I'm handling it and no I don't need to buy it (albeit in a very annoyed way). She started yelling at me calling me names and hasn't talked to me since.

OK? Your experience has nothing to do with my experience. OP asked for input and I offered mine. You don’t have to agree with it. Your experience with your mom doesn’t negate my experience—and what works—with mine. Sounds like you’re pretty similar to dear old mom, barreling over me and trying to discount me because I don’t do things your way.

DP but if you have to say it "every time" what exactly is working about it? She's still doing it. Do you want her to stop or do you just want to tell her to MYOB constantly without the nagging ceasing?

“Every time” is the ADVICE—as requested by OP—not the experience sweetie, but nice try. I maybe had to say it to my mom three times before she learned I was serious and to back off. She’s had a few slip-ups over the years, but it is handled quickly. Thanks so much for playing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Mind your business.” Keep the tone neutral, but that’s the response. Every time.

pp from above. that doesn't work with my mom. she blows up at me every time I'm not answering to her satisfaction.

Last night she TOLD me I needed to buy a scooper for cat litter box. I don't. She never cleans the box and never will. But she needs to tell me what to do. I told her I'm handling it and no I don't need to buy it (albeit in a very annoyed way). She started yelling at me calling me names and hasn't talked to me since.

OK? Your experience has nothing to do with my experience. OP asked for input and I offered mine. You don’t have to agree with it. Your experience with your mom doesn’t negate my experience—and what works—with mine. Sounds like you’re pretty similar to dear old mom, barreling over me and trying to discount me because I don’t do things your way.

DP but if you have to say it "every time" what exactly is working about it? She's still doing it. Do you want her to stop or do you just want to tell her to MYOB constantly without the nagging ceasing?

“Every time” is the ADVICE—as requested by OP—not the experience sweetie, but nice try. I maybe had to say it to my mom three times before she learned I was serious and to back off. She’s had a few slip-ups over the years, but it is handled quickly. Thanks so much for playing.

NP here, just lurking usually but … why are you getting so hostile about this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"I'm not asking for you're opinion, mom. And you nagging me means I'm just going to not do it."

Is it petty? Yes.
Does it work? Yes.

I've been telling my mom this for at least 20 years. It doesn't work at all. She thinks as long as she can get the words out that I'm still going to listen. I don't, but she won't ever stop.

Then set stricter boundaries. If you are going to nag me then leave the room. If you are going to nag me then you are not welcome at my house. Repeat every time she does this.