Mom telling me what to do - how to handle this

[Anonymous]

I'm 50, and my mom recently started staying with me, DH and 2 kids (12 and 14). She is a perfectionist and loves to tell us how to do things, and it is making me crazy.
(Some examples - While I'm cooking she stands over me and tells me to do things differently. She complains to me about overdue household chores while I am working from home.)

Any advice on handling this? So far, when it happens, I tell her to stop. (I realize my approach can use some improvement.)
She is a sweet and generous person, so overall I am very fortunate.

[Anonymous]

Perfectionism is a form of anxiety. My mother nags endlessly and I can't handle it for more than 2 weeks a year. Nothing I say politely registers, and when I get mad, she has a fit and makes herself to be the victim, and forces my father to come to her defense. It's a lose-lose situation.

It was a mistake getting her to live with you, because now you need to find her another place to stay.

[Anonymous]

Give her chores to do.

[Anonymous]

On the overdue household chores, with a smile: "Are you volunteering?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Perfectionism is a form of anxiety. My mother nags endlessly and I can't handle it for more than 2 weeks a year. Nothing I say politely registers, and when I get mad, she has a fit and makes herself to be the victim, and forces my father to come to her defense. It's a lose-lose situation.

It was a mistake getting her to live with you, because now you need to find her another place to stay.

OP here. Thanks for pointing this out. I think this certainly is the case.
This situation is difficult, because I have worked hard to address my own perfectionism/anxiety.

[Anonymous]

Both my mom and MIL are like that. I love the both dearly and try to remember they are both just being moms. I go for a run.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Both my mom and MIL are like that. I love the both dearly and try to remember they are both just being moms. I go for a run.

PP, I admire your zen approach, and I hope to achieve this someday!
Thank you to all PPs for your recommendations. I definitely will need a variety of approaches.

[Anonymous]

"I'm not asking for you're opinion, mom. And you nagging me means I'm just going to not do it."

Is it petty? Yes.
Does it work? Yes.

[Anonymous]

Just respond to all her *helpful* suggestions with "I'll keep that in mind".

And find her another place to stay. If she's so perfect and on top of her life, she surely has plenty of cash and lots of options.

[Anonymous]

"Mom, if you wouldn't say it to a friend, don't say it to me".

She should reevaluate everything out of her mouth this way.

You need to be treated as an equal (that is the ideal). At this stage, that will be the most harmonious relationship.

[Anonymous]

OP I am in the same situation as you. My mom lives with me (though she is leaving on Saturday, God willing) and does the same thing. Some examples:

I was once putting a frozen pizza in the oven and she came over to ask if I am planning to turn the oven on. Wish I was kidding.

Comes to my office to interrupt me 14 times during the day to ask questions that certainly don't need to be answered.

Tries to parent me on how to parent my child. Like I can't have a single conversation with my son without her asking what it was about and giving me her option on the subject.

Just the other night, we were all in my car. My son wanted to take some gum from my middle console. I said no because he chews 20 pieces at once and it's gone in a second. He was about to eat dinner anyway in 10 min so no big deal. He started begging for it and I said now. It bothered my mom so much that she found some other gum I have at home and made sure to open the pack and give him some before school the next day.

They will never change. Years of this and I'm really looking forward to her departure. I love her but it's time for her to go.

[Anonymous]

“Mind your business.” Keep the tone neutral, but that’s the response. Every time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“Mind your business.” Keep the tone neutral, but that’s the response. Every time.

pp from above. that doesn't work with my mom. she blows up at me every time I'm not answering to her satisfaction.

Last night she TOLD me I needed to buy a scooper for cat litter box. I don't. She never cleans the box and never will. But she needs to tell me what to do. I told her I'm handling it and no I don't need to buy it (albeit in a very annoyed way). She started yelling at me calling me names and hasn't talked to me since.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Mind your business.” Keep the tone neutral, but that’s the response. Every time.

pp from above. that doesn't work with my mom. she blows up at me every time I'm not answering to her satisfaction.

Last night she TOLD me I needed to buy a scooper for cat litter box. I don't. She never cleans the box and never will. But she needs to tell me what to do. I told her I'm handling it and no I don't need to buy it (albeit in a very annoyed way). She started yelling at me calling me names and hasn't talked to me since.

That's abusive behavior and you really shouldn't have this person in the house, or see her very often.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Mind your business.” Keep the tone neutral, but that’s the response. Every time.

pp from above. that doesn't work with my mom. she blows up at me every time I'm not answering to her satisfaction.

Last night she TOLD me I needed to buy a scooper for cat litter box. I don't. She never cleans the box and never will. But she needs to tell me what to do. I told her I'm handling it and no I don't need to buy it (albeit in a very annoyed way). She started yelling at me calling me names and hasn't talked to me since.

That's abusive behavior and you really shouldn't have this person in the house, or see her very often.

oh I know. that's why she is leaving on Saturday.