Married women, do any of you wish you had married a more submissive DH?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes but I'm married to an abusive controlling a$$ like Steven Crowder.

OP again. Sorry to hear that. Would you say he was always that way, or changed gradually?

Me too and I’d say he started out submissive and then the mask came off around 6m in when we started making life decisions but I was already so hooked I was confused and didn’t feed the whole picture until it escalated much later.

[Anonymous]

We're a both-firstborn couple too and firstborns can be very rigid as well as dominant. Anecdotally I also notice people become rigid in their 40s. How old are you, OP?

[Anonymous]

To answer your question OP, no, I don't. But I've learned to grow and become more confident over the years, find my own voice if you will, and I think that helps. We try to make things a discussion instead of a competition or debate

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH went along with everything I wanted when we were dating and engaged, and that's the pattern I expected to continue, but it turns out he is very opinionated and particular about a lot of things. It's fine for the most part. But it would be easier if we didn't have to negotiate every little thing every day.

May be he is seeing similar changes in you. Why not talk to each other about how to make life more efficient and pleasant.

This, above, OP. What have you said to him about your feeling that you must negotiate everything, every day? What discussions have you had together about this? What changed since you got married, and what subjects are really the triggers for his opinions and "particular" demands--money issues? Kids' schooling? House improvements? Issues with his or your family?

If you've never sat down and talked about this in a non-accusatory way, and tried to work on it as a team, you and he arent' communicating like an effective couple. If you have tried and were met with resistance, you and he need to find some kind of couples' counseling focusing on communications. Let this fester, stew about it and vent to strangers, and you achieve nothing but a buildup of resentment.

I think we both have dominant personalities and are used to making the decisions as the eldest in each of our families, with siblings much younger than us. We've had various discussions related to this but I suspect that's the heart of it. We had a quick romance and didn't live together before marriage (thank you, religion), so very few issues popped up then. He definitely noticed my strong will and even commented on it, but I think he loves a good challenge and loves debating so that was not a deterrent.

Then it sounds as if you both already have some good awareness of a core issue -- your upbringings and roles as decision-makers in your families. Many people wouldn't recognize this, but you have .That's a starting point for you to work on things IF you are both able to recognize when a discussion is veering off the rails into "a good challenge" and a "debate" that he feels he must win. (I'd wager he's like this at work, maybe in sports if he plays, etc. and same with you, maybe?) I'd be seeking out solid, reputable books about couples' communication styles and the pattern of turning every decision into a win-or-lose choice. A couples counselor would be a big help if (and only if) you both agreed to heed that third party's advice and homework. He needs to learn when he's viewing an interaction as a win-or-lose situation and he's starting to dig in on his preferred position. And you need to learn how to call it out and hit pause on any discussion when he's digging in and going into debate mode. Maybe you already do call it out and he doesn't stop but entrenches further. All this is stuff you can work on and mitigate a lot, if you are both aware of the dynamic and if he's willing to admit that being dominant/winning is a thing he does that damages the marriage.

[Anonymous]

No, I don't trust submissive people unless it's a defined role. People who don't share their opinions and just go along with everything and everyone make me suspicious. Dh and I are you pretty in the middle. We are laid back and easy going, but respectfully make our opinions, wants, and needs known.

[Anonymous]

I just think it is hard to live with anyone OP. People tend to be on their best behavior when dating. Once married, the up + downs of daily life get to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH went along with everything I wanted when we were dating and engaged, and that's the pattern I expected to continue, but it turns out he is very opinionated and particular about a lot of things. It's fine for the most part. But it would be easier if we didn't have to negotiate every little thing every day.

Have you seen some of those online forums, not mentioning any names (not DCUM, starts with an "R" and rhymes with "edit")? Of course young men are very opinionated. They just are being "stoic" and quiet to go along, until they think the time is right and they have more control and more power. They think that younger women have more control and more power in the dating stages. Do you really think the generation of gamers and p*r$ addicts don't have opinions? They just keep their opinions to themselves, until the world finds out later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. I wanted a DH with some gumption. Turns out he has none.

He's being passive aggressive.

[Anonymous]

My DH is pretty chill and even keeled about most things. But ten years in, I wish he brought a more dominant side in the bedroom to keep my interest. Tepid initiations are such a turn off.

Be careful what you wish for.

Once my dominant side emerged, my DW could not meet my needs. I divorced her, and found a woman who could.

[Anonymous]

Also submissive in the bedroom??

[Anonymous]

No. I wanted to be married to my equal, not my servant.

[Anonymous]

IMO submissive is a weird thing to want in a partner, male or female. I wanted someone with opinions and drive, but not pigheadedness and a desire to be right all the time. How it works is that we both can handle pretty much anything that comes up, and generally defer to the person who feels more strongly about any given topic/issue. That person is not always the same, which would just be a steamroller/doormat scenario.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah if anything it’s the opposite. DH is very passive in our home life. He has a high stakes job with lots of important decisions, and at home he’s totally just in cruise control.

Same. It drives me nuts. Please, someone besides me, make a damn decision!!!!!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. I wanted a DH with some gumption. Turns out he has none.

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Submissive? No, that’s an enormous turn-off.

However, my husband isn’t interested in vacation planning, holidays plans/gifts…he trusts my judgement. I am very grateful I don’t have to negotiate minutia.

Vacation planning isn't "minutia" and I'd like some help with all that so that when he complain and whines he can't just blame me.