Married women, do any of you wish you had married a more submissive DH?

[Anonymous]

DH went along with everything I wanted when we were dating and engaged, and that's the pattern I expected to continue, but it turns out he is very opinionated and particular about a lot of things. It's fine for the most part. But it would be easier if we didn't have to negotiate every little thing every day.

[Anonymous]

No. I wanted a DH with some gumption. Turns out he has none.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. I wanted a DH with some gumption. Turns out he has none.

OP here. Let's trade then and everyone wins.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH went along with everything I wanted when we were dating and engaged, and that's the pattern I expected to continue, but it turns out he is very opinionated and particular about a lot of things. It's fine for the most part. But it would be easier if we didn't have to negotiate every little thing every day.

Unless he is a fraud and your were a minor or have a low EQ, you chose to not see real him because you wanted to settle down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH went along with everything I wanted when we were dating and engaged, and that's the pattern I expected to continue, but it turns out he is very opinionated and particular about a lot of things. It's fine for the most part. But it would be easier if we didn't have to negotiate every little thing every day.

May be he is seeing similar changes in you. Why not talk to each other about how to make life more efficient and pleasant.

[Anonymous]

Yeah if anything it’s the opposite. DH is very passive in our home life. He has a high stakes job with lots of important decisions, and at home he’s totally just in cruise control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH went along with everything I wanted when we were dating and engaged, and that's the pattern I expected to continue, but it turns out he is very opinionated and particular about a lot of things. It's fine for the most part. But it would be easier if we didn't have to negotiate every little thing every day.

Unless he is a fraud and your were a minor or have a low EQ, you chose to not see real him because you wanted to settle down.

I was naive and he was my first boyfriend, so I had nothing to compare our relationship to. We had a whirlwind relationship and went from first date to marriage in 1.5 years. We're the same age and make the same amount of money, so there's no imbalance in our marriage.

[Anonymous]

Yes but I'm married to an abusive controlling a$$ like Steven Crowder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes but I'm married to an abusive controlling a$$ like Steven Crowder.

OP again. Sorry to hear that. Would you say he was always that way, or changed gradually?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH went along with everything I wanted when we were dating and engaged, and that's the pattern I expected to continue, but it turns out he is very opinionated and particular about a lot of things. It's fine for the most part. But it would be easier if we didn't have to negotiate every little thing every day.

May be he is seeing similar changes in you. Why not talk to each other about how to make life more efficient and pleasant.

This, above, OP. What have you said to him about your feeling that you must negotiate everything, every day? What discussions have you had together about this? What changed since you got married, and what subjects are really the triggers for his opinions and "particular" demands--money issues? Kids' schooling? House improvements? Issues with his or your family?

If you've never sat down and talked about this in a non-accusatory way, and tried to work on it as a team, you and he arent' communicating like an effective couple. If you have tried and were met with resistance, you and he need to find some kind of couples' counseling focusing on communications. Let this fester, stew about it and vent to strangers, and you achieve nothing but a buildup of resentment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH went along with everything I wanted when we were dating and engaged, and that's the pattern I expected to continue, but it turns out he is very opinionated and particular about a lot of things. It's fine for the most part. But it would be easier if we didn't have to negotiate every little thing every day.

May be he is seeing similar changes in you. Why not talk to each other about how to make life more efficient and pleasant.

This, above, OP. What have you said to him about your feeling that you must negotiate everything, every day? What discussions have you had together about this? What changed since you got married, and what subjects are really the triggers for his opinions and "particular" demands--money issues? Kids' schooling? House improvements? Issues with his or your family?

If you've never sat down and talked about this in a non-accusatory way, and tried to work on it as a team, you and he arent' communicating like an effective couple. If you have tried and were met with resistance, you and he need to find some kind of couples' counseling focusing on communications. Let this fester, stew about it and vent to strangers, and you achieve nothing but a buildup of resentment.

I think we both have dominant personalities and are used to making the decisions as the eldest in each of our families, with siblings much younger than us. We've had various discussions related to this but I suspect that's the heart of it. We had a quick romance and didn't live together before marriage (thank you, religion), so very few issues popped up then. He definitely noticed my strong will and even commented on it, but I think he loves a good challenge and loves debating so that was not a deterrent.

[Anonymous]

Submissive? No, that’s an enormous turn-off.

However, my husband isn’t interested in vacation planning, holidays plans/gifts…he trusts my judgement. I am very grateful I don’t have to negotiate minutia.

[Anonymous]

I was in the same situation; in fact, this was what led to divorce eventually.
We had a baby, moved, and he became the breadwinner. He started being more and more opinionated, and it wasn’t smart, believe me! His one decision where he didn’t listen to me cost us both a lot - we could not get permanent residence for about 5 years. I knew he wasn’t the smartest in practical terms but while he listened it was all fine. But he wanted to be in charge while he had no idea about things. He ended up being borderline abusive, luckily he also decided he wanted out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH went along with everything I wanted when we were dating and engaged, and that's the pattern I expected to continue, but it turns out he is very opinionated and particular about a lot of things. It's fine for the most part. But it would be easier if we didn't have to negotiate every little thing every day.

Unless he is a fraud and your were a minor or have a low EQ, you chose to not see real him because you wanted to settle down.

The pressure to settle down is real, and often intertwined with biological impulses that cloud more practical judgement. Plus we all want our fairy tale.

It’s likely all three variables were at play when OP was dating.

[Anonymous]

My DH is pretty chill and even keeled about most things. But ten years in, I wish he brought a more dominant side in the bedroom to keep my interest. Tepid initiations are such a turn off.