Facetime rant

[Anonymous]

Why not just show the in laws how the kids are playing. Why do they need to sit and be interviewed multiple times a week?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your in-laws can’t figure out out to use the speakerphone setting on their phones so they can both be on a voice call?

No OP, but people who have trouble hearing need the phone right up against their ear.

Then FaceTime would be out, yet that’s the mode these two grandparents want to use.

[Anonymous]

OP after a quick hi with the kids, your DH needs to leave the room while talking to his parents. There’s no reason your kids should be acting out because they are trapped in the room with your DH - he can easily leave the room.

And yea, you need to work on better behavioral expectations of your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your in-laws can’t figure out out to use the speakerphone setting on their phones so they can both be on a voice call?

No OP, but people who have trouble hearing need the phone right up against their ear.

Then FaceTime would be out, yet that’s the mode these two grandparents want to use.

Good point. Why can they share a phone for FaceTime but not use speakerphone on a phone call?

I’m not a cameraman. I’d never agree to an obligation to film my kids for any significant period of time on a weekly basis. FaceTime with young kids shouldn’t last more than 5 minutes. Any more conversation can happen on speakerphone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your in-laws can’t figure out out to use the speakerphone setting on their phones so they can both be on a voice call?

No OP, but people who have trouble hearing need the phone right up against their ear.

Then FaceTime would be out, yet that’s the mode these two grandparents want to use.

I agree. If they can do FaceTime, they can do speakerphone.

Personally, I hate face timing or video chatting. It’s distracting to see my face on the screen and frankly it bores me. So I’m with your four-year-old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your in-laws can’t figure out out to use the speakerphone setting on their phones so they can both be on a voice call?

No OP, but people who have trouble hearing need the phone right up against their ear.

Then FaceTime would be out, yet that’s the mode these two grandparents want to use.

I agree. If they can do FaceTime, they can do speakerphone.

Personally, I hate face timing or video chatting. It’s distracting to see my face on the screen and frankly it bores me. So I’m with your four-year-old.

+1 also I find it amusing that people who never had to deal with this nonsense while their kids were little want to dictate how it should go or how the kids should be able to behave...

[Anonymous]

1) DH controls the FT. As in he initiates it, greets them, pops the kids and you on to say hi for a minute, and then walks away and finishes the chat with them. DH decides *if* and how long the kids participate.

2) You and DH decide when the calls occur, and how frequently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP after a quick hi with the kids, your DH needs to leave the room while talking to his parents. There’s no reason your kids should be acting out because they are trapped in the room with your DH - he can easily leave the room.

And yea, you need to work on better behavioral expectations of your kids.

This. Your kids shouldn’t be forced to sit like show pieces while your DH talks to his parents. They can participate at the beginning to say hi and show off something they did or learned that week and then either the kids or your DH can leave the room.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP after a quick hi with the kids, your DH needs to leave the room while talking to his parents. There’s no reason your kids should be acting out because they are trapped in the room with your DH - he can easily leave the room.

And yea, you need to work on better behavioral expectations of your kids.

This. Your kids shouldn’t be forced to sit like show pieces while your DH talks to his parents. They can participate at the beginning to say hi and show off something they did or learned that week and then either the kids or your DH can leave the room.

OP here. But that's the thing, this isn't for DH to talk to his parents. It's a facetime call between his parents and the grandkids that he's facilitating.

Otherwise, he should talk to his parents on his commute or after kids are asleep so that they aren't taking time away from the kids.

Reading these responses though, I guess I'm unreasonable and we should just keep facetiming.

[Anonymous]

Webcam and use TV to do a zoom call instead so your kid can wiggle, play, and show off instead of trying to stay in the tiny frame of a phone screen?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP after a quick hi with the kids, your DH needs to leave the room while talking to his parents. There’s no reason your kids should be acting out because they are trapped in the room with your DH - he can easily leave the room.

And yea, you need to work on better behavioral expectations of your kids.

This. Your kids shouldn’t be forced to sit like show pieces while your DH talks to his parents. They can participate at the beginning to say hi and show off something they did or learned that week and then either the kids or your DH can leave the room.

OP here. But that's the thing, this isn't for DH to talk to his parents. It's a facetime call between his parents and the grandkids that he's facilitating.

Otherwise, he should talk to his parents on his commute or after kids are asleep so that they aren't taking time away from the kids.

Reading these responses though, I guess I'm unreasonable and we should just keep facetiming.

I'm a NP, but OP: how did you come to this conclusion?
I get that most responses didn't directly address the question of "how do I get my kids to talk to my in-laws directly without going nuts" but most people agree forcing them into long FaceTimes isn't reasonable?

First, 4 might be too young for a meaningful conversation. My almost 6yo finally aged into talking on video chat to one of her grandma's that she's comfortable with. The other one, almost 4, is too young yet.

Second, in addition to show and tell, consider facilitating yourself instead of husband, so you can take over when they're clearly done.

Third, do one child at a time, not both the children. Especially for the older (?)/more jealous 4yo, make it special. Just for HIM (and it is, since a younger child isn't really able to say anything sensible). Play it up as such.

Fourth, consider practicing video calls with him, and maybe an additional trusted adult, from different rooms. Make it a game. Go over what things are ok to say and aren't, how you start and end conversations, what button to not press, where to look, etc.

Fifth, mine love to press the buttons for call/hang up on the phone, so lean into that. If (while alone and not with sibling nearby) the kid can hold the phone and feel empowered, or have a little stand for it to be eye level, maybe there can help but this is just a speculative suggestion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP after a quick hi with the kids, your DH needs to leave the room while talking to his parents. There’s no reason your kids should be acting out because they are trapped in the room with your DH - he can easily leave the room.

And yea, you need to work on better behavioral expectations of your kids.

This. Your kids shouldn’t be forced to sit like show pieces while your DH talks to his parents. They can participate at the beginning to say hi and show off something they did or learned that week and then either the kids or your DH can leave the room.

OP here. But that's the thing, this isn't for DH to talk to his parents. It's a facetime call between his parents and the grandkids that he's facilitating.

Otherwise, he should talk to his parents on his commute or after kids are asleep so that they aren't taking time away from the kids.

Reading these responses though, I guess I'm unreasonable and we should just keep facetiming.

Your OP made it sound like this is part of your DHs call with his parents, they start with the kids and they act up once your DH is just chatting with his parents. No one should be expecting a weekly meaningful call with a 4 year old. If this is really supposed to be just grandparents talking to 4 year old grandkids it definitely doesn’t need to be weekly. Honestly at that age I would say bi-weekly at the most, and not rigidly scheduled. Maybe have your kids make little videos for their grandparents to send once a week, but expecting conversation weekly with a 4 year old is completely unrealistic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My inlaws really like to facetime and would like to do so multiple times a week. We have tried to do it weekly and it's a disaster. DS (4) especially just can't sit for it. He's actually well behaved typically but on facetiming calls he wiggles, farts, tries to say poop jokes, zones out and fights with sibling. If DH lets the kids say hi and then he talks to his parents, the kids are fighting in front of him and are upset they don't have his attention. It completely stressed DH out, there's a big argument after the facetime call, DS gets in trouble, there's tears and privileges taken away (like being read to or a playground trip). The whole situation stresses me out too so I walked away from that mess years ago. We took the facetime calls down to every other week and grandparents flipped out.

This is a rant more than anything else. We've tried approaching it different ways, but the kids HATE facetime. It's like there is no middle ground. My parents call my kids and my kids talk on the phone like normal people and the kids enjoy it, even DS. Inlaws don't like that because they can't both be on the phone at the same time and they like video.

I'm kind of at a loss for what I should do? Should I just stop dh from doing these awful facetime calls? Just let them keep going? It's really ruining DS's and DH's relationship.

I have no solution here but I would never make "being read to" a child contingent on anything or taken away as a punishment.

IMO there is no such thing as "too much" reading to a child.

OP here. I agree. We love reading. And normally reading comes directly after Facetime so that's why it gets pulled into the punishment.

I guess from reading these responses that I should just let this keep going on. They do tell them about fun things that are going on and show them new toys. We've tried so many strategies. Kids are a bit too old for playdough, not into legos. I think the sibling rivalry is bad and this is a big stressor there too. They each can't stand hearing the other get praised for things, so it ticks them off a bit and I think encourages them to act out. It really upsets me and I think it should end, but I guess from reading these responses that that's not reasonable. It seems performative to have kids play while grandparents watch. I guess I feel like kids have such little time with parents that it shouldn't be this awful show when everyone is tired. I'm glad it wasn't a thing when I was a kid.

DP here and I disagree that this has to continue - it should not. At least not in the format that it's in right now. I would also tell my spouse that you don't agree with/condone punishment for the kids for not behaving on Facetime and there's not to be any more of that. That's nuts. You are setting the kids up for failure and then getting mad when they fail. And everyone is stressed out to boot.

My kids were like this with Facetime and I HATED it. It just didn't work for them. They found the idea of being on camera an invitation to perform. It just didn't work for us no matter how much we worked at it.

For you, I'd suggest maybe go to two calls a week - only one of the kids on each call. They each get time with grandparents one on and one and aren't expected to stay and play quietly (IMO this is stupid) . Grandparents can understand and accept or I'd cut off Facetime altogether.

[Anonymous]

Team Kid. No 4-year old should be forced to FaceTime more than to say hello. Have your son send cute videos of the kid - your in-laws probably just want to brag to their friends about how they know all about what your son is up to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My inlaws really like to facetime and would like to do so multiple times a week. We have tried to do it weekly and it's a disaster. DS (4) especially just can't sit for it. He's actually well behaved typically but on facetiming calls he wiggles, farts, tries to say poop jokes, zones out and fights with sibling. If DH lets the kids say hi and then he talks to his parents, the kids are fighting in front of him and are upset they don't have his attention. It completely stressed DH out, there's a big argument after the facetime call, DS gets in trouble, there's tears and privileges taken away (like being read to or a playground trip). The whole situation stresses me out too so I walked away from that mess years ago. We took the facetime calls down to every other week and grandparents flipped out.

This is a rant more than anything else. We've tried approaching it different ways, but the kids HATE facetime. It's like there is no middle ground. My parents call my kids and my kids talk on the phone like normal people and the kids enjoy it, even DS. Inlaws don't like that because they can't both be on the phone at the same time and they like video.

I'm kind of at a loss for what I should do? Should I just stop dh from doing these awful facetime calls? Just let them keep going? It's really ruining DS's and DH's relationship.

I have no solution here but I would never make "being read to" a child contingent on anything or taken away as a punishment.

IMO there is no such thing as "too much" reading to a child.

OP here. I agree. We love reading. And normally reading comes directly after Facetime so that's why it gets pulled into the punishment.

I guess from reading these responses that I should just let this keep going on. They do tell them about fun things that are going on and show them new toys. We've tried so many strategies. Kids are a bit too old for playdough, not into legos. I think the sibling rivalry is bad and this is a big stressor there too. They each can't stand hearing the other get praised for things, so it ticks them off a bit and I think encourages them to act out. It really upsets me and I think it should end, but I guess from reading these responses that that's not reasonable. It seems performative to have kids play while grandparents watch. I guess I feel like kids have such little time with parents that it shouldn't be this awful show when everyone is tired. I'm glad it wasn't a thing when I was a kid.

DP here and I disagree that this has to continue - it should not. At least not in the format that it's in right now. I would also tell my spouse that you don't agree with/condone punishment for the kids for not behaving on Facetime and there's not to be any more of that. That's nuts. You are setting the kids up for failure and then getting mad when they fail. And everyone is stressed out to boot.

My kids were like this with Facetime and I HATED it. It just didn't work for them. They found the idea of being on camera an invitation to perform. It just didn't work for us no matter how much we worked at it.

For you, I'd suggest maybe go to two calls a week - only one of the kids on each call. They each get time with grandparents one on and one and aren't expected to stay and play quietly (IMO this is stupid) . Grandparents can understand and accept or I'd cut off Facetime altogether.

I agree — this would be a hill to die on for me. It is a husband problem, not an in law problem. You and your husband have to be able to find a way to do this that doesn’t involve him mad at the kids every time. That is madness and frankly not fair to the kids.