Facetime rant

[Anonymous]

My inlaws really like to facetime and would like to do so multiple times a week. We have tried to do it weekly and it's a disaster. DS (4) especially just can't sit for it. He's actually well behaved typically but on facetiming calls he wiggles, farts, tries to say poop jokes, zones out and fights with sibling. If DH lets the kids say hi and then he talks to his parents, the kids are fighting in front of him and are upset they don't have his attention. It completely stressed DH out, there's a big argument after the facetime call, DS gets in trouble, there's tears and privileges taken away (like being read to or a playground trip). The whole situation stresses me out too so I walked away from that mess years ago. We took the facetime calls down to every other week and grandparents flipped out.

This is a rant more than anything else. We've tried approaching it different ways, but the kids HATE facetime. It's like there is no middle ground. My parents call my kids and my kids talk on the phone like normal people and the kids enjoy it, even DS. Inlaws don't like that because they can't both be on the phone at the same time and they like video.

I'm kind of at a loss for what I should do? Should I just stop dh from doing these awful facetime calls? Just let them keep going? It's really ruining DS's and DH's relationship.

[Anonymous]

Yes these need to stop. DH needs to figure out how to be an adult and not freak out about a FOUR YEAR OLD not handling video calls. I mean i'm with the kid, I hate them too. But Dh sounds like a bit of child himself. I think the grandparents need to hear that this just isn't a way to connect with grandson right now, Dh can talk to them all he wants though. Sorry, sounds stressful all around.

[Anonymous]

I used to give mine things to do to engage everyone. Legos, play dough, etc.

[Anonymous]

It's not OK that your kids are fighting while a parent has their attention elsewhere. I get they're little and 4 is prime misbehavior time, but you've got to do something about that.

Facetime at that age is between adults, with occasional vistas of the children playing in the background. Kids say hi and bye. But there shouldn't be any fighting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not OK that your kids are fighting while a parent has their attention elsewhere. I get they're little and 4 is prime misbehavior time, but you've got to do something about that.

Facetime at that age is between adults, with occasional vistas of the children playing in the background. Kids say hi and bye. But there shouldn't be any fighting.

OP here. This is exactly how my inlaws feel. The problem is because they feel that children should be seen but not heard is that my kids are bored and feel like their parent has attention elsewhere. They'd like to be running around outside, playing games with us or reading together. It doesn't really seem fair to them. Kids are fighting because no one is paying attention to them, but forcing them to remain in the room.

I guess I feel the complete opposite. So I like that my parents call my kids to talk to them on the phone and to ask them about their days.

[Anonymous]

??? When we FaceTime our parents, it’s about us catching up on our days, but we show DC on the screen and follow around DC with the phone so they can see what they’re playing and what they’re doing. Convo is related to DC’s day and our days and our parents days. Not stressful at all, would recommend.

[Anonymous]

At 4 your kid is old enough to learn there's a time and place for bathroom jokes and talking with relative is NOT it. Four is also old enough to learn to wait and do something else when your parent is busy on the phone.

Can DH do a call with one kid at a time? And can he keep the call short, like five minutes?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My inlaws really like to facetime and would like to do so multiple times a week. We have tried to do it weekly and it's a disaster. DS (4) especially just can't sit for it. He's actually well behaved typically but on facetiming calls he wiggles, farts, tries to say poop jokes, zones out and fights with sibling. If DH lets the kids say hi and then he talks to his parents, the kids are fighting in front of him and are upset they don't have his attention. It completely stressed DH out, there's a big argument after the facetime call, DS gets in trouble, there's tears and privileges taken away (like being read to or a playground trip). The whole situation stresses me out too so I walked away from that mess years ago. We took the facetime calls down to every other week and grandparents flipped out.

This is a rant more than anything else. We've tried approaching it different ways, but the kids HATE facetime. It's like there is no middle ground. My parents call my kids and my kids talk on the phone like normal people and the kids enjoy it, even DS. Inlaws don't like that because they can't both be on the phone at the same time and they like video.

I'm kind of at a loss for what I should do? Should I just stop dh from doing these awful facetime calls? Just let them keep going? It's really ruining DS's and DH's relationship.

Even if they don’t hear well enough for speakerphone to work, it’s very easy to conference in a third number on an iPhone. Do any of you have one? Use that to call the other two numbers. Problem solved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I used to give mine things to do to engage everyone. Legos, play dough, etc.

+1

OP, are kids just expected (by you or DH or grandparents or all of the above) to sit and face the camera the whole time and sit and listen when the adults talk? That's the problem, if that's what's happening. Get the kids to gather up some new drawing the oldest did at preschool to show the grandparents on the camera. A new toy, A play-doh figure they just made. Make it show and tell and don't expect the kids to sit if adults talk about other topics. "Sit still for the duration of this call" is just setting kids up to fail. Keep their hands occupied and explain (without the kids there) to the grandparents that if they, the grandparents, expect kids to sit still and converse, well, that's going to change.

The kids need to say hi, show off their "show and tell" item, and then LEAVE the FaceTime while Dh talks to his parents. That ends the whole "they zone out then fight and it ticks off DH" stuff. Absolutely NO need for them to be required to sit there while the adults talk. Again-- that's setting them up to fail and act up, then it sets up the resulting yelling and discipline after the call!

Your DH needs to talk to his parents, preferably kindly and not angrily, about realistic expectations for young kids re: sitting still. If they complain about how the kids should be able to do this, then he needs to tell them you are all willing to try calls with the kids OCCUPIED during the call and interacting that way, but you won't make the kids sit still and listen just because grandma and grandpa think they should in this circumstance. Yes! Kids need to learn when to sit still etc. But these calls have become a regular and boring occurrance for them, so there is nothing wrong with having them color or do Legos during the time.

Also, work on the dynamic where there are fights and privileges taken away after these calls. That signals that maybe DH is too invested in the kids "behaving" and "being good" on the call. But DH is not seeing that this is asking something that's not yet age-appropriate for the kids.

[Anonymous]

Your kids need to be able to entertain themselves without needing your attention at all times. Four is plenty old enough for 10-20 minutes of that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My inlaws really like to facetime and would like to do so multiple times a week. We have tried to do it weekly and it's a disaster. DS (4) especially just can't sit for it. He's actually well behaved typically but on facetiming calls he wiggles, farts, tries to say poop jokes, zones out and fights with sibling. If DH lets the kids say hi and then he talks to his parents, the kids are fighting in front of him and are upset they don't have his attention. It completely stressed DH out, there's a big argument after the facetime call, DS gets in trouble, there's tears and privileges taken away (like being read to or a playground trip). The whole situation stresses me out too so I walked away from that mess years ago. We took the facetime calls down to every other week and grandparents flipped out.

This is a rant more than anything else. We've tried approaching it different ways, but the kids HATE facetime. It's like there is no middle ground. My parents call my kids and my kids talk on the phone like normal people and the kids enjoy it, even DS. Inlaws don't like that because they can't both be on the phone at the same time and they like video.

I'm kind of at a loss for what I should do? Should I just stop dh from doing these awful facetime calls? Just let them keep going? It's really ruining DS's and DH's relationship.

I have no solution here but I would never make "being read to" a child contingent on anything or taken away as a punishment.

IMO there is no such thing as "too much" reading to a child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My inlaws really like to facetime and would like to do so multiple times a week. We have tried to do it weekly and it's a disaster. DS (4) especially just can't sit for it. He's actually well behaved typically but on facetiming calls he wiggles, farts, tries to say poop jokes, zones out and fights with sibling. If DH lets the kids say hi and then he talks to his parents, the kids are fighting in front of him and are upset they don't have his attention. It completely stressed DH out, there's a big argument after the facetime call, DS gets in trouble, there's tears and privileges taken away (like being read to or a playground trip). The whole situation stresses me out too so I walked away from that mess years ago. We took the facetime calls down to every other week and grandparents flipped out.

This is a rant more than anything else. We've tried approaching it different ways, but the kids HATE facetime. It's like there is no middle ground. My parents call my kids and my kids talk on the phone like normal people and the kids enjoy it, even DS. Inlaws don't like that because they can't both be on the phone at the same time and they like video.

I'm kind of at a loss for what I should do? Should I just stop dh from doing these awful facetime calls? Just let them keep going? It's really ruining DS's and DH's relationship.

I have no solution here but I would never make "being read to" a child contingent on anything or taken away as a punishment.

IMO there is no such thing as "too much" reading to a child.

OP here. I agree. We love reading. And normally reading comes directly after Facetime so that's why it gets pulled into the punishment.

I guess from reading these responses that I should just let this keep going on. They do tell them about fun things that are going on and show them new toys. We've tried so many strategies. Kids are a bit too old for playdough, not into legos. I think the sibling rivalry is bad and this is a big stressor there too. They each can't stand hearing the other get praised for things, so it ticks them off a bit and I think encourages them to act out. It really upsets me and I think it should end, but I guess from reading these responses that that's not reasonable. It seems performative to have kids play while grandparents watch. I guess I feel like kids have such little time with parents that it shouldn't be this awful show when everyone is tired. I'm glad it wasn't a thing when I was a kid.

[Anonymous]

You need to work on their inability to hear their sibling get praise. They need to feel like a team and root for each other.

[Anonymous]

Your in-laws can’t figure out out to use the speakerphone setting on their phones so they can both be on a voice call?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your in-laws can’t figure out out to use the speakerphone setting on their phones so they can both be on a voice call?

No OP, but people who have trouble hearing need the phone right up against their ear.