Moving an elderly parent to MoCo

[Anonymous]

They don’t know what they are saying. They are just trying to drag it all out because it’s hard to deal with change when you are old

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I got a report today from an elder parent:

Leisure World is beautiful land, but it's too "suburban/exurban". And the homes are too old and worn out. (They are a good fit for DCUM Money and Finance forum!)

Dad said the apartment building with elevator in Gaithersburg looked good, but Mom wouldn't be comfortable walking the long hallway to the elevator. Mom said of course she can walk it. (Doubt. She has foot problems from cancer and has major fall risk.)

CCRC is a no-go because they aren't that old/sick (ignoring that it's easier to start CCRC before it's strictly necessary).

They want to live somewhere with community so they aren't a nag to us. But they have a 20th century ethnic-group-based view of what counts as community.

They want somewhere with long-term residents, not extendes-stay hotel, but they also don't want to be here year-round yet.

Lots of contradictions.

I think an elevator apartment (or maybe a 1ar floor garden) at one of the "town centers" is the best best, and CCRC later.

No, don’t do two moves. Trust me. If they don’t want “suburban/exurban” but were also okay with Gaithersburg, they are officially just scared of the transition. So don’t plan on two moves!

[Anonymous]

What about the place on Military Road in CCDC?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I got a report today from an elder parent:

Leisure World is beautiful land, but it's too "suburban/exurban". And the homes are too old and worn out. (They are a good fit for DCUM Money and Finance forum!)

Dad said the apartment building with elevator in Gaithersburg looked good, but Mom wouldn't be comfortable walking the long hallway to the elevator. Mom said of course she can walk it. (Doubt. She has foot problems from cancer and has major fall risk.)

CCRC is a no-go because they aren't that old/sick (ignoring that it's easier to start CCRC before it's strictly necessary).

They want to live somewhere with community so they aren't a nag to us. But they have a 20th century ethnic-group-based view of what counts as community.

They want somewhere with long-term residents, not extendes-stay hotel, but they also don't want to be here year-round yet.

Lots of contradictions.

I think an elevator apartment (or maybe a 1ar floor garden) at one of the "town centers" is the best best, and CCRC later.

If the long walk to the elevator is a concern, they are ready for a CCRC.

FWIW, my relatives have enjoyed being the youthful residents at a CCRC in their mid-70s. At 80+, they'll fit right in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I got a report today from an elder parent:

Leisure World is beautiful land, but it's too "suburban/exurban". And the homes are too old and worn out. (They are a good fit for DCUM Money and Finance forum!)

Dad said the apartment building with elevator in Gaithersburg looked good, but Mom wouldn't be comfortable walking the long hallway to the elevator. Mom said of course she can walk it. (Doubt. She has foot problems from cancer and has major fall risk.)

CCRC is a no-go because they aren't that old/sick (ignoring that it's easier to start CCRC before it's strictly necessary).

They want to live somewhere with community so they aren't a nag to us. But they have a 20th century ethnic-group-based view of what counts as community.

They want somewhere with long-term residents, not extendes-stay hotel, but they also don't want to be here year-round yet.

Lots of contradictions.

I think an elevator apartment (or maybe a 1ar floor garden) at one of the "town centers" is the best best, and CCRC later.

No, don’t do two moves. Trust me. If they don’t want “suburban/exurban” but were also okay with Gaithersburg, they are officially just scared of the transition. So don’t plan on two moves!

Agree - don't do it. We are dealing with this with our ILs, who made a second move (and the sunk costs that go with it) and now are in a tough spot with ailing FiL.

Also, if falls are a concern, then they want to be INSIDE a CCRC, not trying to get in. It is so hard to make these decisions when in crisis. I got really luck with my parents, who didn't have much money so options were limited, but it was very stressful at the time. We were just fortunate that their living options broke in their favor because it might not have happened that way.

OP, I don't envy you, it's clearly very hard to be the child in these circumstances. It's also hard for them as they are facing mortality when making these decisions.

Maybe there is a social worker specializing in geriatrics who could facilitate a conversation where they could see their choices.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Isn't Asbury Village in Gaithersburg?

[Anonymous]

It should be relevant to their thinking that you can't just get into a CCRC when you need the assisted living or memory care unit for one or both spouses. It's not impossible, but the spots are often prioritized for existing residents who came into independent living. And with two people, it's harder -- say one spouse needs assisted living but one is still independent -- it's a lot harder if the independent spouse is living offsite and wants to visit all the time.

I get that it's hard to have these conversations, OP, but I think your parents should actually visit more of the CCRCs before making the decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I got a report today from an elder parent:

Leisure World is beautiful land, but it's too "suburban/exurban". And the homes are too old and worn out. (They are a good fit for DCUM Money and Finance forum!)

Dad said the apartment building with elevator in Gaithersburg looked good, but Mom wouldn't be comfortable walking the long hallway to the elevator. Mom said of course she can walk it. (Doubt. She has foot problems from cancer and has major fall risk.)

CCRC is a no-go because they aren't that old/sick (ignoring that it's easier to start CCRC before it's strictly necessary).

They want to live somewhere with community so they aren't a nag to us. But they have a 20th century ethnic-group-based view of what counts as community.

They want somewhere with long-term residents, not extendes-stay hotel, but they also don't want to be here year-round yet.

Lots of contradictions.

I think an elevator apartment (or maybe a 1ar floor garden) at one of the "town centers" is the best best, and CCRC later.

. Look at Rockville noerth Bethesda apartments

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It should be relevant to their thinking that you can't just get into a CCRC when you need the assisted living or memory care unit for one or both spouses. It's not impossible, but the spots are often prioritized for existing residents who came into independent living. And with two people, it's harder -- say one spouse needs assisted living but one is still independent -- it's a lot harder if the independent spouse is living offsite and wants to visit all the time.

I get that it's hard to have these conversations, OP, but I think your parents should actually visit more of the CCRCs before making the decision.

PP, agree here. - these are good points. We are going through this with DH's parents. MiL, who is quite able, understandably doesn't want to move into a CCRC if it is a 1BR as her husband has a 9-5 caregiver 5 days/week and she says would feel cramped. Her friends made decisions to remain in their home while their spouse moved into memory care units. I don't think MiL is there yet - and may never be - but do worry that they may be cutting off options while in this phase.

[Anonymous]

We are looking at the same for my mom. In our research so far, we a have learned that most Continuing Care places will ONLY take in a new resident who can live independently. That's the entry point. If you wait so long that they need more care, you will only be eligible for assisted living or more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It should be relevant to their thinking that you can't just get into a CCRC when you need the assisted living or memory care unit for one or both spouses. It's not impossible, but the spots are often prioritized for existing residents who came into independent living. And with two people, it's harder -- say one spouse needs assisted living but one is still independent -- it's a lot harder if the independent spouse is living offsite and wants to visit all the time.

I get that it's hard to have these conversations, OP, but I think your parents should actually visit more of the CCRCs before making the decision.

PP, agree here. - these are good points. We are going through this with DH's parents. MiL, who is quite able, understandably doesn't want to move into a CCRC if it is a 1BR as her husband has a 9-5 caregiver 5 days/week and she says would feel cramped. Her friends made decisions to remain in their home while their spouse moved into memory care units. I don't think MiL is there yet - and may never be - but do worry that they may be cutting off options while in this phase.

Where my mom is the independant units can be quite large...2 bedrooms + a den. Also some people make arrangements to combine two units (very costly but if you can do it)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It should be relevant to their thinking that you can't just get into a CCRC when you need the assisted living or memory care unit for one or both spouses. It's not impossible, but the spots are often prioritized for existing residents who came into independent living. And with two people, it's harder -- say one spouse needs assisted living but one is still independent -- it's a lot harder if the independent spouse is living offsite and wants to visit all the time.

I get that it's hard to have these conversations, OP, but I think your parents should actually visit more of the CCRCs before making the decision.

PP, agree here. - these are good points. We are going through this with DH's parents. MiL, who is quite able, understandably doesn't want to move into a CCRC if it is a 1BR as her husband has a 9-5 caregiver 5 days/week and she says would feel cramped. Her friends made decisions to remain in their home while their spouse moved into memory care units. I don't think MiL is there yet - and may never be - but do worry that they may be cutting off options while in this phase.

Where my mom is the independant units can be quite large...2 bedrooms + a den. Also some people make arrangements to combine two units (very costly but if you can do it)

Alas, they do not have the money for a combine. Their retirement plan appears to have been predicated on how it work for FiL's parents where one grandparent needed memory care, but they were able to live together as the other grandparent didn't move around much due to congestive heart, but was mentally fit. They were in a 1 BR with day help and an alarm on the BR door. Now that ILs are nearing this stage, MiL doesn't want to share quarters with an aide. I don't blame her, but they just didn't save/spend accordingly over the last 25 years.