DD12 feels left out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you can kindly explain that you and your DH are married and have a primary relationship that was there before her and will be there after her and that's normal and healthy. Sometimes she'll be left out.

Don't give her the expectation that you are in a three-way relationship of equals.

This is interesting. One of the things she mentioned is that she’s sad when she hears us in the living room laughing and then we stop when she comes out to join in (probably after something suggestive, etc I can’t recall a single time we wouldn’t have invited her to join in on something funny. She has a precocious sense of humor, so she’s always up for a laugh.)

I am saying this kindly so hopefully you receive it as such. I am very good friends with an only-child family that fell into this dynamic. It is okay for you and your husband to have private moments and things that are only shared between the two of you. You also don't need to hide this from your daughter. You're nor her friend, she is not a third adult in your home, and it's ok and actually necessary for you to maintain a relationship with your husband that's just for the two of you. Once you believe that for yourself, I think you can explain it to her in the spirit it's intended. There are times when mom and dad are talking or hanging out and please excuse yourself or wait a second until we finish up is 100 percent normal.

This is good advice OP. I also see this dynamic in many only child families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:12 is hard. They just complain sometimes and it may not even be the thing that's bothering them, at least not exactly.

This.

[Anonymous]

Mom to an only child, also 12. It is definitely hard to draw the line to make DD understand that she is the child, we are the adults with our own relationship. The three of us are such a close little family unit, and she doesn’t always get that she doesn’t need to be a part of every conversation, every dinner out, etc.

I think that being 12 is also an age where she feels more grown up, is included in more grown-up conversations, and so she feels like she should be part of everything. It’s a little bit of growing pains IMO. Thinking it will get easier as she gets older and comes to understand more — and probably not care to be as involved with us!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you can kindly explain that you and your DH are married and have a primary relationship that was there before her and will be there after her and that's normal and healthy. Sometimes she'll be left out.

Don't give her the expectation that you are in a three-way relationship of equals.

This is interesting. One of the things she mentioned is that she’s sad when she hears us in the living room laughing and then we stop when she comes out to join in (probably after something suggestive, etc I can’t recall a single time we wouldn’t have invited her to join in on something funny. She has a precocious sense of humor, so she’s always up for a laugh.)

I am saying this kindly so hopefully you receive it as such. I am very good friends with an only-child family that fell into this dynamic. It is okay for you and your husband to have private moments and things that are only shared between the two of you. You also don't need to hide this from your daughter. You're nor her friend, she is not a third adult in your home, and it's ok and actually necessary for you to maintain a relationship with your husband that's just for the two of you. Once you believe that for yourself, I think you can explain it to her in the spirit it's intended. There are times when mom and dad are talking or hanging out and please excuse yourself or wait a second until we finish up is 100 percent normal.

Please read this OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you can kindly explain that you and your DH are married and have a primary relationship that was there before her and will be there after her and that's normal and healthy. Sometimes she'll be left out.

Don't give her the expectation that you are in a three-way relationship of equals.

This is interesting. One of the things she mentioned is that she’s sad when she hears us in the living room laughing and then we stop when she comes out to join in (probably after something suggestive, etc I can’t recall a single time we wouldn’t have invited her to join in on something funny. She has a precocious sense of humor, so she’s always up for a laugh.)

I am saying this kindly so hopefully you receive it as such. I am very good friends with an only-child family that fell into this dynamic. It is okay for you and your husband to have private moments and things that are only shared between the two of you. You also don't need to hide this from your daughter. You're nor her friend, she is not a third adult in your home, and it's ok and actually necessary for you to maintain a relationship with your husband that's just for the two of you. Once you believe that for yourself, I think you can explain it to her in the spirit it's intended. There are times when mom and dad are talking or hanging out and please excuse yourself or wait a second until we finish up is 100 percent normal.

This is good advice OP. I also see this dynamic in many only child families.

And here we go into only child family dynamics. I usually see families of multiples getting left out because the parents don't have time for herd of children they have to work the farm.

[Anonymous]

My DS, an only, just turned 14. But I'm not sure what you are describing is specifically only-child behavior. Might be, might not be. I just don't have any other frame of reference.

I agree with the PP who said your DD may be feeling left out in a different relationship and projecting. We certainly saw and still see that.

Then there was this morning. My DS said "I don't want to have to spend any more time with you than absolutely required" and then, no joke, a few hours later suggested we wander around the mall together following a short errand there (no chance of me buying him anything). He kept his phone in his pocket. I kept wondering what was up. He was oddly content though.

We regularly experience the "I want to be alone. I want attention. Right now. But actually I want to be alone. Only want my friends. Wait, you are busy? Pay attention to me!" back and forth scenarios very regularly. Whiplash to put it mildly.

My kid doesn't like to cook. Doesn't want to help in kitchen. He will help with cleanup instead. One thing that works well in our family are lingering dinners. Not sure how we got so lucky but lately DS has even started playing 20 questions as a way of extending us sitting around the table. If we tried to move to a different location, the moment is lost and he disappears. Fortunately our dining chairs are comfortable and we have the evening time.

Long response, I know. Could be a lot going on. Could just be your daughter fumbling/exploring/struggling with how to connect while still really wanting to be independent.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Mom of a 12 year old DD, only child. She seems to get suspicious, maybe a little bit annoyed, when DH and I are having fun, watching a movie or whatever and she isn’t included. But when we ask if she wants to join, she always says no. I often ask her if she wants to join, knowing full well that she doesn’t, just so that she knows she’s welcome.

When she was younger, maybe 5-6 years old, she threw fits a few times when we attempted to go out to dinner without her. We felt awful but we stayed firm about the fact that we needed to have a time for ourselves as a couple. We definitely didn’t do it enough, though.

Like a PP said, I think a lot of this is projecting and wrestling with changing and conflicting feelings about how much they want to be with parents and how much they’re ready to individuate.

[Anonymous]

How is her social life at school? Does she feel left out there?

[Anonymous]

Mom of 12 yo who is *not* an only child, who says the same thing.
I think it's because they want to be involved in every conversation.
We basically did what one of the pps mentioned above (making clear it's okay to have some conversations+ outings without her/sibling). But also made sure to have one on one time with her. And the latter is what it was more about - she felt like she wanted some time with me (mom) all to herself. Do you do things with her without Dad?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:12 is hard. They just complain sometimes and it may not even be the thing that's bothering them, at least not exactly.

This. I would validate her feelings, say that I used to feel that way when I was younger, assure her of my love and move on

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you can kindly explain that you and your DH are married and have a primary relationship that was there before her and will be there after her and that's normal and healthy. Sometimes she'll be left out.

Don't give her the expectation that you are in a three-way relationship of equals.

This is interesting. One of the things she mentioned is that she’s sad when she hears us in the living room laughing and then we stop when she comes out to join in (probably after something suggestive, etc I can’t recall a single time we wouldn’t have invited her to join in on something funny. She has a precocious sense of humor, so she’s always up for a laugh.)

I am saying this kindly so hopefully you receive it as such. I am very good friends with an only-child family that fell into this dynamic. It is okay for you and your husband to have private moments and things that are only shared between the two of you. You also don't need to hide this from your daughter. You're nor her friend, she is not a third adult in your home, and it's ok and actually necessary for you to maintain a relationship with your husband that's just for the two of you. Once you believe that for yourself, I think you can explain it to her in the spirit it's intended. There are times when mom and dad are talking or hanging out and please excuse yourself or wait a second until we finish up is 100 percent normal.

This is good advice OP. I also see this dynamic in many only child families.

I find this so sad. It's not like the kid has private moments with a sib like her parents have with each other. That sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you can kindly explain that you and your DH are married and have a primary relationship that was there before her and will be there after her and that's normal and healthy. Sometimes she'll be left out.

Don't give her the expectation that you are in a three-way relationship of equals.

This is interesting. One of the things she mentioned is that she’s sad when she hears us in the living room laughing and then we stop when she comes out to join in (probably after something suggestive, etc I can’t recall a single time we wouldn’t have invited her to join in on something funny. She has a precocious sense of humor, so she’s always up for a laugh.)

I am saying this kindly so hopefully you receive it as such. I am very good friends with an only-child family that fell into this dynamic. It is okay for you and your husband to have private moments and things that are only shared between the two of you. You also don't need to hide this from your daughter. You're nor her friend, she is not a third adult in your home, and it's ok and actually necessary for you to maintain a relationship with your husband that's just for the two of you. Once you believe that for yourself, I think you can explain it to her in the spirit it's intended. There are times when mom and dad are talking or hanging out and please excuse yourself or wait a second until we finish up is 100 percent normal.

This is good advice OP. I also see this dynamic in many only child families.

I find this so sad. It's not like the kid has private moments with a sib like her parents have with each other. That sucks.

I don't think it's sad, necessarily. It CAN be just a very different dynamic (not bad...different) from the time the kid is very young. Only children are often very poised and comfortable around adults because they spend a lot of time with adults and the expectation of how they will handle themselves and what conversations and settings they will be present in are very different. I think with some self-awareness from the parents it can all be handled fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you can kindly explain that you and your DH are married and have a primary relationship that was there before her and will be there after her and that's normal and healthy. Sometimes she'll be left out.

Don't give her the expectation that you are in a three-way relationship of equals.

This is interesting. One of the things she mentioned is that she’s sad when she hears us in the living room laughing and then we stop when she comes out to join in (probably after something suggestive, etc I can’t recall a single time we wouldn’t have invited her to join in on something funny. She has a precocious sense of humor, so she’s always up for a laugh.)

I am saying this kindly so hopefully you receive it as such. I am very good friends with an only-child family that fell into this dynamic. It is okay for you and your husband to have private moments and things that are only shared between the two of you. You also don't need to hide this from your daughter. You're nor her friend, she is not a third adult in your home, and it's ok and actually necessary for you to maintain a relationship with your husband that's just for the two of you. Once you believe that for yourself, I think you can explain it to her in the spirit it's intended. There are times when mom and dad are talking or hanging out and please excuse yourself or wait a second until we finish up is 100 percent normal.

This is good advice OP. I also see this dynamic in many only child families.

And here we go into only child family dynamics. I usually see families of multiples getting left out because the parents don't have time for herd of children they have to work the farm.

This thread has been very normal and positive for the OP to help her problem solve. Stop. Yes, there are common dynamics in only children families and multiple children families. Because of course there would be. Do they apply to every situation? Nope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DS, an only, just turned 14. But I'm not sure what you are describing is specifically only-child behavior. Might be, might not be. I just don't have any other frame of reference.

I agree with the PP who said your DD may be feeling left out in a different relationship and projecting. We certainly saw and still see that.

Then there was this morning. My DS said "I don't want to have to spend any more time with you than absolutely required" and then, no joke, a few hours later suggested we wander around the mall together following a short errand there (no chance of me buying him anything). He kept his phone in his pocket. I kept wondering what was up. He was oddly content though.

We regularly experience the "I want to be alone. I want attention. Right now. But actually I want to be alone. Only want my friends. Wait, you are busy? Pay attention to me!" back and forth scenarios very regularly. Whiplash to put it mildly.

My kid doesn't like to cook. Doesn't want to help in kitchen. He will help with cleanup instead. One thing that works well in our family are lingering dinners. Not sure how we got so lucky but lately DS has even started playing 20 questions as a way of extending us sitting around the table. If we tried to move to a different location, the moment is lost and he disappears. Fortunately our dining chairs are comfortable and we have the evening time.

Long response, I know. Could be a lot going on. Could just be your daughter fumbling/exploring/struggling with how to connect while still really wanting to be independent.

Good luck!

Not the OP but thank you for sharing the bolded. I have a tween whose mood changes rapidly and it's nice to know that it's normal and a good reminder to take it in stride.