DD12 feels left out

[Anonymous]

Last night DD12 told me that she feels left out by her father and me, and that it hurts her feelings and makes her cry. Interestingly, she made this confession while we were engaged in our nightly ritual of watching TV together. This is the same girl who will sequester herself in her bedroom right after school to talk on the phone with her friends, despite offers to do something together, and will then expect us to drop everything when she’s done, which is usually around the time I’m cooking dinner, which she refuses to help with (or sit and chat with me while I’m cooking, etc.)

I truly empathize with her feelings and want to help remedy this situation, but I am at a loss as to how to do this without forcing her to hang out (as I said, when we offer, she refuses.)

So I come to you, dcum, to see if you have any solutions!

[Anonymous]

Is she an only child ?

[Anonymous]

I am stuck on "refusing" to help. Do you give her a job to do (cut up peppers, measure stuff) and she says no? If so, that's not appropriate.

[Anonymous]

12 is hard. They just complain sometimes and it may not even be the thing that's bothering them, at least not exactly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is she an only child ?

Yes

[Anonymous]

I think you can kindly explain that you and your DH are married and have a primary relationship that was there before her and will be there after her and that's normal and healthy. Sometimes she'll be left out.

Don't give her the expectation that you are in a three-way relationship of equals.

[Anonymous]

Refusing to help is not an option in our house. She sounds manipulative and like you're coddling her. What exactly does she want to be involved in, since she's choosing to sequester herself? Seems like she was just having a pity party for herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am stuck on "refusing" to help. Do you give her a job to do (cut up peppers, measure stuff) and she says no? If so, that's not appropriate.

Exactly.

“Come help me chop this cucumber.”
“No, thanks. I’m going to go read.”
“Would you like to just sit at the island and chat while I cook?”
“No, I am just going to read.”
“Come sit in the family room where I can see you and read there!”
“No, I want to read in my room.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Refusing to help is not an option in our house. She sounds manipulative and like you're coddling her. What exactly does she want to be involved in, since she's choosing to sequester herself? Seems like she was just having a pity party for herself.

She’s definitely not coddled, but I would agree that this could be a manipulation of some sort. It does seem like a pity party, but it was so out in left field.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you can kindly explain that you and your DH are married and have a primary relationship that was there before her and will be there after her and that's normal and healthy. Sometimes she'll be left out.

Don't give her the expectation that you are in a three-way relationship of equals.

This is interesting. One of the things she mentioned is that she’s sad when she hears us in the living room laughing and then we stop when she comes out to join in (probably after something suggestive, etc I can’t recall a single time we wouldn’t have invited her to join in on something funny. She has a precocious sense of humor, so she’s always up for a laugh.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am stuck on "refusing" to help. Do you give her a job to do (cut up peppers, measure stuff) and she says no? If so, that's not appropriate.

Exactly.

“Come help me chop this cucumber.”
“No, thanks. I’m going to go read.”
“Would you like to just sit at the island and chat while I cook?”
“No, I am just going to read.”
“Come sit in the family room where I can see you and read there!”
“No, I want to read in my room.”

NP. That wouldn't fly in our house. "DD, you're making the salad for tonight." If she said she wanted to read in her room I'd say "No, you need to make the salad first. THEN if there's time before dinner you can read then."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you can kindly explain that you and your DH are married and have a primary relationship that was there before her and will be there after her and that's normal and healthy. Sometimes she'll be left out.

Don't give her the expectation that you are in a three-way relationship of equals.

This is interesting. One of the things she mentioned is that she’s sad when she hears us in the living room laughing and then we stop when she comes out to join in (probably after something suggestive, etc I can’t recall a single time we wouldn’t have invited her to join in on something funny. She has a precocious sense of humor, so she’s always up for a laugh.)

Sometimes when my kids complain like this they’re actually upset about something else, like feeling left out at school. It’s just easier to complain about mom and dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you can kindly explain that you and your DH are married and have a primary relationship that was there before her and will be there after her and that's normal and healthy. Sometimes she'll be left out.

Don't give her the expectation that you are in a three-way relationship of equals.

This is interesting. One of the things she mentioned is that she’s sad when she hears us in the living room laughing and then we stop when she comes out to join in (probably after something suggestive, etc I can’t recall a single time we wouldn’t have invited her to join in on something funny. She has a precocious sense of humor, so she’s always up for a laugh.)

I am saying this kindly so hopefully you receive it as such. I am very good friends with an only-child family that fell into this dynamic. It is okay for you and your husband to have private moments and things that are only shared between the two of you. You also don't need to hide this from your daughter. You're nor her friend, she is not a third adult in your home, and it's ok and actually necessary for you to maintain a relationship with your husband that's just for the two of you. Once you believe that for yourself, I think you can explain it to her in the spirit it's intended. There are times when mom and dad are talking or hanging out and please excuse yourself or wait a second until we finish up is 100 percent normal.

[Anonymous]

Dad and I are often around to hang out with you. X,Y,Z examples given.

And then ignore it. If she is crying over this there is something else going on. I would ask her about how things are going at school with friends.

[Anonymous]

I think this is a normal feeling for all children, esp only children. It’s not the worst thing in the world & there really isn’t a “fix”. I would just listen & sympathize. Teenagers are feeling all of the feelings, and this is one.
The only one thing you could do, if you don’t already, is try to have one on one time with her…things that just you 2 do together, and things that just she & her dad can share. Don’t do everything as a threesome - it is nice (& less lonely) to have separate activities /jokes/shared experiences with each parent, & then time altogether.