Dead Parent's Birthdays

[Anonymous]

No, because I don't bring it up. But if it were something that I was very emotional about and something I talked about with him, I think he would. It's so weird to me that people are saying they don't remember their parents' birthdays. My parents died 15 and 10 years ago, and I remember theirs. I also know my MILs, my brothers, my two best friends, and of course, my kids/spouse. Maybe you guys don't celebrate those birthdays, so that's why they are forgotten?

[Anonymous]

Dh can barely remember my birthday. I would never expect him to remember my dead parents’ birthdays. That honestly sounds crazy to me.

[Anonymous]

It could be the length of time my parents have been gone (they died young) but, no, I would never expect my husband to acknowledge or even remember birthdays. I don't even do anything. I guess if I made a thing out of it every year then I would expect him to remember. However, I would never expect him to just remember without a prompt.

[Anonymous]

You would only notice this and be upset if something else is already wrong. If your spouse were otherwise perfect, you'd give them grace.

I mean that kindly. So figure out what is the real problem and focus on that. I am great with dates, but sometimes on the date I just don't think about the event, even though I remembered it in the days leading up to it.

[Anonymous]

No. He was very close to her, but he doesn’t remember or mark that date. It’s something I feel and mark on my own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, because I don't bring it up. But if it were something that I was very emotional about and something I talked about with him, I think he would. It's so weird to me that people are saying they don't remember their parents' birthdays. My parents died 15 and 10 years ago, and I remember theirs. I also know my MILs, my brothers, my two best friends, and of course, my kids/spouse. Maybe you guys don't celebrate those birthdays, so that's why they are forgotten?

They're saying they don't know their inlaws' birthdays, not their own parents.

That being said- dh can't remember his family's birthdays. He knows generally, but couldn't tell you if it was the 24th or the 25th of the month. It was a problem when we were first married. I missed every birthday that first year and I don't think it made my inlaws happy. I wish they had given me a calendar as a wedding present.

[Anonymous]

No.

[Anonymous]

I expect him to remember the death anniversary not the birthday. He doesn't acknowledge the anniversary which was in the past few years and it upsets me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes or No:

Would you think a spouse of 15+ years would rememeber/remark/acknowledge on your dead parent's birthday?

No

[Anonymous]

My husband doesn’t know the date of my one live parents birthday. This is not their mile stone to acknowledge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I expect him to remember the death anniversary not the birthday. He doesn't acknowledge the anniversary which was in the past few years and it upsets me.

I totally disagree. It’s one thing for you to say oh the anniversary is coming up and he acknowledges that for you, but to expect him to remember the date on his own is pretty unrealistic. (I have a dead mother).

[Anonymous]

yes I do think they should remember and honor your parent's birthday. My FIL passed away over 10 years ago. On his birthday we usually have a meal he liked for dinner and also have one of his favorite sweets for dessert. We use the food as a catalyst to talk about him and tell stories to our kids. It is a way to keep his memory alive. My dad passed away this year and we plan to do the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You would only notice this and be upset if something else is already wrong. If your spouse were otherwise perfect, you'd give them grace.

I mean that kindly. So figure out what is the real problem and focus on that. I am great with dates, but sometimes on the date I just don't think about the event, even though I remembered it in the days leading up to it.

This!!

Also, everyone grieves in different ways. This is your grief to acknowledge, don’t place expectations on him of what you would do. You’re setting yourself up for disappointment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:yes I do think they should remember and honor your parent's birthday. My FIL passed away over 10 years ago. On his birthday we usually have a meal he liked for dinner and also have one of his favorite sweets for dessert. We use the food as a catalyst to talk about him and tell stories to our kids. It is a way to keep his memory alive. My dad passed away this year and we plan to do the same.

OK, but not everyone grieves the same way. If you come to an agreement on something like this and he forgets, I can see being upset. But to have a silent, passive aggressive expectation for your spouse to remember your deceased parents birthday when they probably didn’t know their birthday offhand when alive is completely irrational.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:yes I do think they should remember and honor your parent's birthday. My FIL passed away over 10 years ago. On his birthday we usually have a meal he liked for dinner and also have one of his favorite sweets for dessert. We use the food as a catalyst to talk about him and tell stories to our kids. It is a way to keep his memory alive. My dad passed away this year and we plan to do the same.

OK, but not everyone grieves the same way. If you come to an agreement on something like this and he forgets, I can see being upset. But to have a silent, passive aggressive expectation for your spouse to remember your deceased parents birthday when they probably didn’t know their birthday offhand when alive is completely irrational.

It's sad, but it seems the OP is casting about for reasons to be "hurt" by her spouse, which is unhealthy.