I feel nervous talking to my Boomer parents about my life... not sure what to title this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't talk to him on the phone as much? Tell them you feel they judge you for not having kids yet?

Ultimately, no one's parents are perfect. Since they do not rely on you for anything not sure why you have to talk to them weekly. Do what you need to do to heal from the death of your fiance. Sorry your dad is trying to equate a death with a divorce, he is likely trying to relate but is coming off ridiculously insensitive.

I didn't talk to him on the phone at all until recently and I guess I was trying to open up the lines of communication more. Now I kind of feel I should stuck to texts and emails.

Yes, stick to texts and emails. My dad could literally go months without communicating with me, and instead spends all his time with his wife’s family. It is fine. I invite him to things occasionally and probably see him 5 times a year for a few hours. It is fine. If I never saw him again, it would be fine — not good, but fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't talk to him on the phone as much? Tell them you feel they judge you for not having kids yet?

Ultimately, no one's parents are perfect. Since they do not rely on you for anything not sure why you have to talk to them weekly. Do what you need to do to heal from the death of your fiance. Sorry your dad is trying to equate a death with a divorce, he is likely trying to relate but is coming off ridiculously insensitive.

I didn't talk to him on the phone at all until recently and I guess I was trying to open up the lines of communication more. Now I kind of feel I should stuck to texts and emails.

Yes, stick to texts and emails. My dad could literally go months without communicating with me, and instead spends all his time with his wife’s family. It is fine. I invite him to things occasionally and probably see him 5 times a year for a few hours. It is fine. If I never saw him again, it would be fine — not good, but fine.

I feel like you and I are so similar in terms of the relationship with our dads. I'm sorry for you, but it feels better knowing someone else out there is okay and gets through it. I guess i feel less alone. I don't have any peers that have dads who are so much more involved with their spouse's family.

I will take your advice. To be honest, it feels freeing. I'm just going to let go of that hope and expectation that the relationship was different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't talk to him on the phone as much? Tell them you feel they judge you for not having kids yet?

Ultimately, no one's parents are perfect. Since they do not rely on you for anything not sure why you have to talk to them weekly. Do what you need to do to heal from the death of your fiance. Sorry your dad is trying to equate a death with a divorce, he is likely trying to relate but is coming off ridiculously insensitive.

I didn't talk to him on the phone at all until recently and I guess I was trying to open up the lines of communication more. Now I kind of feel I should stuck to texts and emails.

Yes, stick to texts and emails. My dad could literally go months without communicating with me, and instead spends all his time with his wife’s family. It is fine. I invite him to things occasionally and probably see him 5 times a year for a few hours. It is fine. If I never saw him again, it would be fine — not good, but fine.

Also, I need to stop asking my dad for advice. He doesn't even give good advice and then I have taken it at times only for him to criticize me after I took HIS advice. I wish someone would hold me accountable to this because I will forget and cave and ask him for advice again after time passes even after I tell myself to never do it again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Okay read the part about your dad being an older child and understand better. Maybe invite him to your house and let him know he can come over whenever? Host Christmas or ask a sibling to so its not such a narrow window. Feel like this is more about your stepmom.

That being said, I think you just need to come to terms with that fact its not how it was when you were a kid. Its difficult, but they see you as independent and having lost a partner at such a young age maybe more experienced than them and not having much to offer you.

Again, I am sorry for your loss and that it has thrown your life so offtrack. I think you're maybe projecting that loss a bit on your parents.

I would definitely invite him over, but I live across the country and he never visits. My siblings also don't live anywhere near me.

You're right. I do need to come to terms with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't talk to him on the phone as much? Tell them you feel they judge you for not having kids yet?

Ultimately, no one's parents are perfect. Since they do not rely on you for anything not sure why you have to talk to them weekly. Do what you need to do to heal from the death of your fiance. Sorry your dad is trying to equate a death with a divorce, he is likely trying to relate but is coming off ridiculously insensitive.

I didn't talk to him on the phone at all until recently and I guess I was trying to open up the lines of communication more. Now I kind of feel I should stuck to texts and emails.

Yes, stick to texts and emails. My dad could literally go months without communicating with me, and instead spends all his time with his wife’s family. It is fine. I invite him to things occasionally and probably see him 5 times a year for a few hours. It is fine. If I never saw him again, it would be fine — not good, but fine.

Also, I need to stop asking my dad for advice. He doesn't even give good advice and then I have taken it at times only for him to criticize me after I took HIS advice. I wish someone would hold me accountable to this because I will forget and cave and ask him for advice again after time passes even after I tell myself to never do it again.

OP I am the one who responded p. 1 and gave you the advice to have the honest conversation with them and then if it doesn't work, move on and invest in other relationships.

What you are saying above is really relatable. Time goes on and the details become hazy. And you start to have self-doubt. Am I remembering clearly? Did that actually happen how I am thinking it happened? Am I being unfair or too harsh? Because we want things to be different and we hope things will be different and so we do the same thing all over again.

A couple things I found helpful - talking to a therapist about this pattern and I also started keeping a journal so I could go back and remember things more clearly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't talk to him on the phone as much? Tell them you feel they judge you for not having kids yet?

Ultimately, no one's parents are perfect. Since they do not rely on you for anything not sure why you have to talk to them weekly. Do what you need to do to heal from the death of your fiance. Sorry your dad is trying to equate a death with a divorce, he is likely trying to relate but is coming off ridiculously insensitive.

I didn't talk to him on the phone at all until recently and I guess I was trying to open up the lines of communication more. Now I kind of feel I should stuck to texts and emails.

Yes, stick to texts and emails. My dad could literally go months without communicating with me, and instead spends all his time with his wife’s family. It is fine. I invite him to things occasionally and probably see him 5 times a year for a few hours. It is fine. If I never saw him again, it would be fine — not good, but fine.

I feel like you and I are so similar in terms of the relationship with our dads. I'm sorry for you, but it feels better knowing someone else out there is okay and gets through it. I guess i feel less alone. I don't have any peers that have dads who are so much more involved with their spouse's family.

I will take your advice. To be honest, it feels freeing. I'm just going to let go of that hope and expectation that the relationship was different.

Same poster again. It is TOTALLY FREEING. Honestly, I figured out what was the “real deal” with my dad in my 20s — long before my mom died. It has been much harder for my sister who didn’t understand who he really was until she was in her 40s. I’m so glad I let go of caring at all what he thought a very long time ago. And it actually makes our interactions so much easier. Because I can be polite but not actually care about a thing he might say.