I feel nervous talking to my Boomer parents about my life... not sure what to title this

[Anonymous]

I'm mid 30s and my parents are divorced. My dad is 72 and my mom is 69. Both are remarried and very involved with their spouse's kids. I live across the country. My dad inherited a few million a few years back and he takes his wife and her kids plus their kids on lavish vacations. He doesn't do this for me or my siblings. His wife is kind of controlling, has never had to work, etc.

I am very introverted and have been through some personal tragedies in the past few years (sudden death of fiance). Just graduated with a master's degree. I was talking to my dad on the phone more often in the past few weeks and I'm starting to feel like I need to become more distant again. He makes comments that remind me of why I was distant in the first place. He will give me advice to do something and then when I take his advice and do it, he makes critical comments. It's bizarre and he has always been this way to some extent. There are other things that make me think he's going through the normal aging process (I have to re-explain and repeat things several times or he completely misunderstands things).

When my fiance died, he made the comment that he could relate because it was "a lot like when your mom and I divorced... "... Um, no. He makes comments like that and is not aware how insensitive that comes across. Then I go through a cycle of feeling pissed off at myself for ever opening up to him or allowing myself to have a personal conversation with him. I told him some personal things yesterday and now I feel regret. I truly feel like I don't know how to be with my parents sometimes because they don't really take the time to get to know me and they make me feel uncomfortable when I do open up to them. They also have a way of undermining all my achievements. I don't have kids and have never married because of the death of my fiance. I'm the youngest of all my siblings (lots of them because there are step siblings on both sides plus my siblings). It makes me feel somehow inferior in my parents' eyes or like my life is less interesting to them because I never reached that milestone in life.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry to hear about your fiancee.

For me, I expressed myself clearly and honestly to my parents so I knew with certainty genuine effort had been made on my side to connect and have a different kind of relationship. When I did this, nothing changed and in fact, the conversations went horribly with one parent and with the other parent, they acknowledged everything I said but then none of the behaviors changed. Once I did that, it was pretty easy for me to move on and have only a superficial relationship with them.

So my advice is organize your thoughts and have an honest conversation and then go from there.

Invest in other relationships in your life. Family is the people you choose.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry you are going through this, and sorry of the loss of your fiancé. Did you get counseling after that major loss?

But don't blame this on your parents being boomers. Aging issues, yes. Second family issues, yes. But not sure how the generation tag impacts the situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry you are going through this, and sorry of the loss of your fiancé. Did you get counseling after that major loss?

But don't blame this on your parents being boomers. Aging issues, yes. Second family issues, yes. But not sure how the generation tag impacts the situation.

Oh, I don't mean to imply that their generation is why this is happening. I used that in my title to describe their age range... not implying it's because they are from that generation at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry you are going through this, and sorry of the loss of your fiancé. Did you get counseling after that major loss?

But don't blame this on your parents being boomers. Aging issues, yes. Second family issues, yes. But not sure how the generation tag impacts the situation.

You're assuming that the OP is blaming it on her parents being boomers. Nowhere in her post did she say that. What an unhelpful reply.

[Anonymous]

Typical; has second wife, second family & neglects kids from first marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry you are going through this, and sorry of the loss of your fiancé. Did you get counseling after that major loss?

But don't blame this on your parents being boomers. Aging issues, yes. Second family issues, yes. But not sure how the generation tag impacts the situation.

You're assuming that the OP is blaming it on her parents being boomers. Nowhere in her post did she say that. What an unhelpful reply.

I’m assuming you overlooked the title of the thread.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry to hear your situation, OP. Do you have people -- friends, therapist, siblings, whoever -- who you feel you can open up to without feeling icky afterward? I ask because when I find myself oversharing with someone I know I don't actually trust that much it's generally because I haven't shared with someone I trust more. And the feeling that you've shared a vulnerable part of yourself and had it hurt, especially when you feel like you should have known that would happen, really sucks. Hope things get a bit better for you soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry you are going through this, and sorry of the loss of your fiancé. Did you get counseling after that major loss?

But don't blame this on your parents being boomers. Aging issues, yes. Second family issues, yes. But not sure how the generation tag impacts the situation.

You're assuming that the OP is blaming it on her parents being boomers. Nowhere in her post did she say that. What an unhelpful reply.

I’m assuming you overlooked the title of the thread.

It still doesn't mean she blames it on them being Boomers. You assume too much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry to hear about your fiancee.

For me, I expressed myself clearly and honestly to my parents so I knew with certainty genuine effort had been made on my side to connect and have a different kind of relationship. When I did this, nothing changed and in fact, the conversations went horribly with one parent and with the other parent, they acknowledged everything I said but then none of the behaviors changed. Once I did that, it was pretty easy for me to move on and have only a superficial relationship with them.

So my advice is organize your thoughts and have an honest conversation and then go from there.

Invest in other relationships in your life. Family is the people you choose.

OP here. Thank you for your reply.

I feel like I have tried to do this with my parents too. When you said that the behaviors didn't change after you expressed yourself openly and honestly, I totally related to that as I read it. I feel like I've been down that road with my parents as well. I think I see them giving more time and effort to their relationships with my siblings and wish I had that. And then when I reach out, the conversations leave me feeling pretty awful and I go down this cycle of bad memories being brought to the surface and feeling horrible about myself. Overall, I feel like my parents just don't "get" me at all.

I have tried to invest in other relationships and it has helped some. I guess there is just always that part of me that grieves that the relationship i have with my parents isn't what I wish it was.

For example, my dad was an only child. He would go to his parents' house often and have coffee in the middle of the day and sit and talk for hours. I can't even go to my dad's house because his wife doesn't like visitors... especially unannounced visitors. I've been to his house a total of once in the last five years. When they have Christmas at their house, they even tell my siblings (who have their grandkids) something like "It will be from 2-4"... lol. I just think it's bizarre. But it makes me sad. Growing up, we'd go to my grandparents' house on my dad's side on Christmas eve and we'd leave when we were done... which could be at any hour.

[Anonymous]

Just back off the relationship. I have done this with my dad since my mom died. He spends tons of time with his new wife and her kids. Overall, it is fine.

You are never going to have the parents you want to have — proceed knowing this.

[Anonymous]

Don't talk to him on the phone as much? Tell them you feel they judge you for not having kids yet?

Ultimately, no one's parents are perfect. Since they do not rely on you for anything not sure why you have to talk to them weekly. Do what you need to do to heal from the death of your fiance. Sorry your dad is trying to equate a death with a divorce, he is likely trying to relate but is coming off ridiculously insensitive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't talk to him on the phone as much? Tell them you feel they judge you for not having kids yet?

Ultimately, no one's parents are perfect. Since they do not rely on you for anything not sure why you have to talk to them weekly. Do what you need to do to heal from the death of your fiance. Sorry your dad is trying to equate a death with a divorce, he is likely trying to relate but is coming off ridiculously insensitive.

I didn't talk to him on the phone at all until recently and I guess I was trying to open up the lines of communication more. Now I kind of feel I should stuck to texts and emails.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just back off the relationship. I have done this with my dad since my mom died. He spends tons of time with his new wife and her kids. Overall, it is fine.

You are never going to have the parents you want to have — proceed knowing this.

This. I backed off and no relationship with either parent when they divorced ten years ago and other partners. They occasionally pretend but I don’t bother now. My mom clearly prefers her partners grandkids and mine don’t care.

[Anonymous]

Okay read the part about your dad being an older child and understand better. Maybe invite him to your house and let him know he can come over whenever? Host Christmas or ask a sibling to so its not such a narrow window. Feel like this is more about your stepmom.

That being said, I think you just need to come to terms with that fact its not how it was when you were a kid. Its difficult, but they see you as independent and having lost a partner at such a young age maybe more experienced than them and not having much to offer you.

Again, I am sorry for your loss and that it has thrown your life so offtrack. I think you're maybe projecting that loss a bit on your parents.