Do you care if your DC has perspective about their privilege?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The public school your child would attend if they weren’t in private is probably the same in terms of demographics if you have a 7 figure HHI.

My niece and nephew have 7-figure parents and go to private school in the same city where I earn five figures and my DD goes to public school. While there's a lot of scholarship/financial aid at the private school, my brother doesn't know if it's going to a lot of kids so not much to each kid, or a lot of financial aid to fewer kids. If it's a little aid to a lot of kids, then they're close to being in the same demographic.

[Anonymous]

Private schools tend to be more diverse than public’s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Private schools tend to be more diverse than public’s.

Minus the poor kids and the special needs kids

[Anonymous]

What’s the goal in having them understand their privilege?

I’m not asking that I’m a snarky manner at all. We’re relatively privileged, but not at the OPs level.

Is it so they develop a work ethic?

So they realize how hard/smart someone not born to wealth has to work to maintain a certain lifestyle?

So they aren’t jerks as adults?

So they don’t come off as rich kids and embarrass you?

So you don’t feel guilty?

Because I while poverty tourism or playing lady/lord of the manor and being generous at Christmas to poor kids might teach privileged kids that they have an obligation to be generous, it really doesn’t teach them anything about WHY some kids were born with parents who make 7 figures and other kids were born into families that will never make it off public assistance.

Exploring why we have class stratification in an age appropriate manner might help with that, but it can be a hard to swallow that fate is unfair when you’re the one who benefits from it.

Demonstrating it requires actions that avoid resource hoarding, such as pulling strings for internships or advocating NIMBY policies. It’s hard because parents naturally want to resource hoard for their children.

[Anonymous]

To answer the question in the subject line, no I don’t especially care that DS is well-versed in the lives of the less fortunate. Growing up in the District he certainly had regular contact with kids who have less. He went to DPR camps, RCP camps, DPR swimming etc

But no, it’s not important to me that he did, or does continuously acknowledge his privilege. It’s much more important to me that he didn’t grow up to be a helpless, sheltered schmuck who doesn’t know how to change a lightbulb, because we could always afford to pay someone else to change our lightbulbs.

That’s the thing that I can’t tolerate among the kids in my crowd. So many have learned helplessness and are fairly useless young adults. So many of them are not mentally tough.

— parent of a private school kid k-12 in the 1%

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Private schools tend to be more diverse than public’s.

You can't really believe that, can you? Seems to go against OP's desire to "own" the privilege, rather than trying to convince yourself that your fancy private school really provides greater diversity to your DC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What’s the goal in having them understand their privilege?

I’m not asking that I’m a snarky manner at all. We’re relatively privileged, but not at the OPs level.

Is it so they develop a work ethic?

So they realize how hard/smart someone not born to wealth has to work to maintain a certain lifestyle?

So they aren’t jerks as adults?

So they don’t come off as rich kids and embarrass you?

So you don’t feel guilty?

Because I while poverty tourism or playing lady/lord of the manor and being generous at Christmas to poor kids might teach privileged kids that they have an obligation to be generous, it really doesn’t teach them anything about WHY some kids were born with parents who make 7 figures and other kids were born into families that will never make it off public assistance.

Exploring why we have class stratification in an age appropriate manner might help with that, but it can be a hard to swallow that fate is unfair when you’re the one who benefits from it.

Demonstrating it requires actions that avoid resource hoarding, such as pulling strings for internships or advocating NIMBY policies. It’s hard because parents naturally want to resource hoard for their children.

NP. So that your kid doesn’t show up at college & or their first job and sound like an entitled, out of touch prick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s the goal in having them understand their privilege?

I’m not asking that I’m a snarky manner at all. We’re relatively privileged, but not at the OPs level.

Is it so they develop a work ethic?

So they realize how hard/smart someone not born to wealth has to work to maintain a certain lifestyle?

So they aren’t jerks as adults?

So they don’t come off as rich kids and embarrass you?

So you don’t feel guilty?

Because I while poverty tourism or playing lady/lord of the manor and being generous at Christmas to poor kids might teach privileged kids that they have an obligation to be generous, it really doesn’t teach them anything about WHY some kids were born with parents who make 7 figures and other kids were born into families that will never make it off public assistance.

Exploring why we have class stratification in an age appropriate manner might help with that, but it can be a hard to swallow that fate is unfair when you’re the one who benefits from it.

Demonstrating it requires actions that avoid resource hoarding, such as pulling strings for internships or advocating NIMBY policies. It’s hard because parents naturally want to resource hoard for their children.

NP. So that your kid doesn’t show up at college & or their first job and sound like an entitled, out of touch prick.

PP - fair enough. Then it’s not Christmas generosity and poverty tourism. It would be modeling behavior and not being an entitled out of touch prick yourself, not fixing everything for your kid, and having your kid do chores and clean their own room/bathroom even if you have household help.

So your kid knows how to sweep up something that’s been spilled, check a circuit breaker, change a lightbulb, unclog a toilet, not assume everyone has travelled extensively etc etc.

[Anonymous]

It's important to me that my kids understand that they have privilege and they need to acknowledge that privilege. IF truly wanted to breakdown barriers and lift up others, I would have made different choices about where to live and where to send them to school - I didn't do that because I'm optimizing for my kids. I'm raising my kids to be generous and kind but that's not the same thing as sending them to a public school where they would be minorities in class or race. I think OP that you can't have it both ways - you've made a set of choices to reinforce your kids socio economic privilege and you can do things on the margin so they feel compassion for others, but they aren't going to "get it" in the way they would if you actually made different choices. This isn't a criticism btw, just a reality. It's also important that my kids know that my money isn't their money so they will need to go earn their own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the community that you live in is more important than the school they attend for this.

But what you can do is welcome all classmates equally and not ignore the ones that come from further away or less money. Your children will judge what is important and who is worthy from watching you. Don't make comments about old cars or small houses etc, don't disparage others who make less or have less for any reason.

At times play on lower cost rec teams, attend lower cost camps, or do free/low cost type activities as part of what you do and don't put them down as being "less." Make playdate with kids/families meet through these things.

That's my advice, provide lots of exposure and little judgement. Show them the value in all people and in the spaces that they inhabit.

I am a middle class FA family and I agree with this. Just be welcoming to families that have less than you. Occasionally I encounter parents at school that are obviously uncomfortable and do not know how to relate to a person in a peer setting that is clearly not rich. These parents are what happens to rich children when they grow up with no perspective. The small comments you make about bad neighborhoods, small houses, crappy cars, etc, are exactly the things you don't realize your children are absorbing. You might be directly teaching your children good manners and how to behave at the country club, but you are indirectly teaching them that others are truly beneath you/them. That core foundational belief is pretty unshakeable once it is set.

[Anonymous]

Have them start working real jobs at age 16. These include retail, restaurant, lawn care etc.

[Anonymous]

Books, documentaries, movies, YouTube videos, wikipedia articles, sometimes even social media posts.

You'll learn a lot more about the plight of the poor by reading a book written by a poor person than you will working alongside a poor person.

[Anonymous]

I remember seeing this quote from Sarah JEssica Parker years ago and it really spoke to me in terms of raising kids with priveledge. "“I will do my best to make sure you always have what you need, but I want you pining towards something. I want you to work for something, to dream of it, to will it to happen.”

Thanks to OP for reminding me to look it up. We have tried to do this with our kids. Unless it's a need, we put off immediate gratification and have them want something and work to earn it. Sometimes it's just waiting for an occasion, sometimes it's behavior based, sometimes real "work."

[Anonymous]

Haven't had a good humble brag lately, oh well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To answer the question in the subject line, no I don’t especially care that DS is well-versed in the lives of the less fortunate. Growing up in the District he certainly had regular contact with kids who have less. He went to DPR camps, RCP camps, DPR swimming etc

But no, it’s not important to me that he did, or does continuously acknowledge his privilege. It’s much more important to me that he didn’t grow up to be a helpless, sheltered schmuck who doesn’t know how to change a lightbulb, because we could always afford to pay someone else to change our lightbulbs.

That’s the thing that I can’t tolerate among the kids in my crowd. So many have learned helplessness and are fairly useless young adults. So many of them are not mentally tough.

— parent of a private school kid k-12 in the 1%

+100