Alzheimer parent - it is so difficult

[Anonymous]

Have you tried switching caregivers? We’ve had to go through a few until finding the right fit.

[Anonymous]

Alzheimer’s/dementia is a horrible illness. Yes, your dad needs to go into a nursing home. Yes, that means he will only continue to deteriorate and maybe at an accelerated pace but you have to weight the pros/cons here. Your dad is not going to get better. I’m so sorry but he’s not. There are medications that can possibly help (sedatives/anti psychotics, basically, is all that helped in my parent w dementia’s case—seroquel specifically) but all that’s going to happen whether he’s at a nursing home or not is that he’s going to deteriorate. You need to now think about what your mom needs and how you can help her. It’s awful and incredibly sad but unfortunately your dad is at a point where your mom can’t safely care for him anymore. He needs to be elsewhere, for your mom’s health and sanity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you tried switching caregivers? We’ve had to go through a few until finding the right fit.

The father is on medication for AGGRESSION and it isn't working and he has a disease that will make him continue to decline. A new aide may be the solution when the parent seems a little down or anxious and the aide just sleeps on the job or seems annoyed with parent. A new aide is not a reasonable solution when it is this bad. Even if magically he seemed better for a week, aides quit/get sick/no show and the brain deteriorates more. It is not that uncommon for for someone with dementia who has aggression to assault a loved one. The mom needs to be safe.

[Anonymous]

OP here, thank you all for your insights which are very helpful and help me reflect differently on the situation.

[Anonymous]

Late to this discussion, but I agree with the others that the least horrible option is to have your dad move to memory care to save your mom as much as possible.

We just went thru something similar - my parents moved into a Continuing Care Retirement Community together into the same apartment, with my dad getting additional care to take some of the burden off my mom. That worked for about a year, and then she started unraveling. I was blunt and told my mom she had to do it, otherwise we’d lose very soon her as well.

She was reluctant, but the least worst option was him moving to memory care in the same facility. He protested, but she saw him 2-3x a day and slowly transitioned certain care to the support staff.

Unfortunately he passed less than 6 months later. We’re all still processing it, but one thing that we realized is we had lost him to dementia over a year before he passed and had been missing him without being able to grieve.

I’m so sorry, there are no good solutions, so we just started thinking of the least awful option.

[Anonymous]

I’m going through this very similar situation. First question is, do you have health care surrogacy for them both? If not, it’s time. You need to be able to adjust meds as needed without your mom interfering, and also request the proper testing as they decline.

Have you considered a facility that will allow them to stay together? It provides a safety net in that there is staff to keep on eye on things and may reduce the need for a private care-giver.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 82 year old mother takes care of my 84 year old father with Alzheimer. (advanced but stable for many years). My parents used to live on their own until my mother's morbus merniere worsened again, probably because of exhaustion. Until now, she insisted that she takes care of him on her own. She always stopped all help I organized on my visits to them. My father is codependant, he constantly is looking for her and gets very restless if she's not around. Now, we do have a live-in care giver for both. However, my father started to be loud and rude (aggressive) as he insists that they don't need any help, what not rationale. He understands that there is a person and he voices that he doesn't want anyone, he doesn't understand that he's actually not capable of being on his own and that his wife needs help, we explain, sometimes he understands and sometimes not and then he forgets all about it and then it starts again, many many times a day. This makes my mother very unhappy and she doesn't want the live-in person anymore just to keep my father calm (until we can convince her again). My father takes quetiapine for aggression but it is not really helping and my mother does not want to increase the dosage or give another medication for this. Point is, the situation has changed for my father as my mother cannot take care of him on her own but this routine change made him aggressive and this makes her feel sick and overwhelmed. She doesn't see him as a AZ patient with outbursts that need distractions and not to take it personally - I am very worried about my. mother.

Did anyone of you go through this situation, did the person with AZ finally accommodate (medication?) or did you need to take more drastic changes (move AZ person to nursing home) to help my mother? If my father goes to a nursing home, he for sure will deteriorate. Is this now saving one person over the other?

I'm so sorry you are going through this, OP.

Yes, he needs to go to a nursing home, and yes, it will help save Mom. Your dad is unable, cognitively, to make any safe decisions anymore. He can't keep Mom and himself safe. You aren't going to be able to make him see that they need help-cognitively, he's not capable of realizing that.

My folks are in a similar situation-Dad has Parkinsons and Mom cares for him, refusing help. She sustained a broken hip last year when he fell over on her as she helped him-she's lucky she survived that (I tried to get them to go to AL after that-refused). I am stepping in more on the medical end now and arranged respite for her-Dad 'didn't want anyone in the house' but I told Mom that it's NOT his decision. So far it's once a week, but he really needs full time care. It's so hard OP, I understand, and my sibling and I worry so much for Mom. She also goes along with the crazy stuff Dad wants, like no help. I keep telling her that Dad cannot cognitively make safe decisions and that she needs to put on her oxygen mask first (the airplane analogy where you put on the mask first to save others). And as adult kids, we find ourselves having to step in, in places we didn't, like medical issues. It's so hard.