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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My 82 year old mother takes care of my 84 year old father with Alzheimer. (advanced but stable for many years). My parents used to live on their own until my mother's morbus merniere worsened again, probably because of exhaustion. Until now, she insisted that she takes care of him on her own. She always stopped all help I organized on my visits to them. My father is codependant, he constantly is looking for her and gets very restless if she's not around. Now, we do have a live-in care giver for both. However, my father started to be loud and rude (aggressive) as he insists that they don't need any help, what not rationale. He understands that there is a person and he voices that he doesn't want anyone, he doesn't understand that he's actually not capable of being on his own and that his wife needs help, we explain, sometimes he understands and sometimes not and then he forgets all about it and then it starts again, many many times a day.  This makes my mother very unhappy and she doesn't want the live-in person anymore just to keep my father calm (until we can convince her again). My father takes quetiapine for aggression but it is not really helping and my mother does not want to increase the dosage or give another medication for this. Point is, the situation has changed for my father as my mother cannot take care of him on her own but this routine change made him aggressive and this makes her feel sick and overwhelmed. She doesn't see him as a AZ patient with outbursts that need distractions and not to take it personally - I am very worried about my. mother.

[b]Did anyone of you go through this situation, did the person with AZ finally accommodate (medication?) or did you need to take more drastic changes (move AZ person to nursing home) to help  my mother? If my father goes to a nursing home, he for sure will deteriorate. Is this now saving one person over the other? [/b]
[/quote]

I'm so sorry  you are going through this, OP.

Yes, he needs to go to a nursing home, and yes, it will help save Mom. Your dad is unable, cognitively, to make any safe decisions anymore. He can't keep Mom and himself safe. You aren't going to be able to make him see that they need help-cognitively, he's not capable of realizing that.

My folks are in a similar situation-Dad has Parkinsons and Mom cares for him, refusing help. She sustained a broken hip last year when he fell over on her as she helped him-she's lucky she survived that (I tried to get them to go to AL after that-refused). I am stepping in more on the medical end now and arranged respite for her-Dad 'didn't want anyone in the house' but I told Mom that it's NOT his decision. So far it's once a week, but he really needs full time care. It's so hard OP, I understand, and my sibling and I worry so much for Mom. She also goes along with the crazy stuff Dad wants, like no help. I keep telling her that Dad cannot cognitively make safe decisions and that she needs to put on her oxygen mask first (the airplane analogy where you put on the mask first to save others). And as adult kids, we find ourselves having to step in, in places we didn't, like medical issues. It's so hard.[/quote]

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