Clingy toddler cries all day. Help!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please be kind. I think I’m losing my mind. I may have already lost it.

My 18m old cries and wants to be held by me every minute of her waking day. I can’t use the bathroom, can’t cook, can’t shower or do anything else without her screaming. She’s not unhappy, she’s just emotional and loud. And I can’t wear her in a carrier. Ideally in dd’s mind, I’d sit in my rocking chair and we’d nurse for 12 hours straight. I love nursing and it’s nbd, but enough is enough. She claws me too. There’s nothing wrong with her and I don’t think she’s special needs. She’s just strong willed. I just nursed her for 45 min and she screamed when we stopped.

I play with her a lot and do lots that she loves, but she just wants carried everywhere. She won’t let Dh hold her past 4pm on the off chance he might try to put her to bed at 7pm and no way is she going to let that happen.

Frankly I’m losing my mind. I’m on antidepressants and cut back my hours at work. The older kids are feeling the strain because I can’t do anything for them anymore. We can only play once I get her to sleep and I’m so wiped by then. My back kills me and I’m struggling with that pain too. Basically I need to stop carrying her. She does go to daycare and she loves it there. I’m tempted most days to just leave her there until it closes because I can’t figure out an alternative. The screaming and crying really gets to me.

Maybe do this for a bit and have DH pick her up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nanny again - I would also try reasoning with her instead of just ignoring the screaming. She’s old enough to understand “I can’t pick you up when you’re screaming, when you’re finished, please come find me” and walk away. Repeat.

I would not walk away from an inconsolable child - that does not teach them how to calm down. The kid needs help learning how to calm down. It’s just important not to give in and pick them up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. The reason we haven’t stopped nursing is because it’s very easy for me and is often the only enjoyable thing her and I do together. She is the easiest baby to put to bed right after nursing.

I don’t give into her demands to be held nonstop and I try to redirect constantly.

It’s just not easy. And it makes me so anxious or maybe it’s my blood pressure? I can’t take the crying.

But does she wake up in the middle of the night wanting to nurse? You may need to stop nursing just so you both have a full nights sleep. I get that you don't think she'll be happy without nursing, but she will.

[Anonymous]

Have you had her evaluated?

[Anonymous]

Mom of a now 20 month old, so all sound normal. The only way over separation anxiety is through. Lots of “ mommy will be back after she goes potty, then you leave her and come back. DH needs to calm her down without you. Nursing is separate, still happening here. I woul also give her and all kids special time https://www.npr.org/2022/10/13/1128737199/the-5-minute-daily-playtime-ritual-that-can-get-your-kids-to-listen-better

Lastly a night time routine that works for everyone, there is also a regression happening. I am pro sleep training and night weaning. Dead simple night time you can do every night. We have incorporated DS putting his stuffed animals to bed and him turning off the light (for a bit of that control toddlers want)

[Anonymous]

OP, I think the book "Good inside" may help you. I really wish I had read it when my kid was a toddler. It was hard and I didn't handle it how I wish I did.

[Anonymous]

I'd stop sending her to daycare on the chance something bad there is happening to her. Has she always been that clingy/needy or is that something she started doing recently?

[Anonymous]

We started timeout at 18mos. If she screams because she’s not getting what she wants put her on the step. Even just for 30 seconds, stop nursing her, I’m not knocking later nursing in general but I think in your situation with her being the youngest you are babying her. Will she sit next you and do playdoh? Or color for a few minutes? If you say I’m going to go do X do you want to color while I do it next to me or stay here ( wherever that may be) that might help her realize she has 2 choices and being carried isn’t one of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. The reason we haven’t stopped nursing is because it’s very easy for me and is often the only enjoyable thing her and I do together. She is the easiest baby to put to bed right after nursing.

I don’t give into her demands to be held nonstop and I try to redirect constantly.

It’s just not easy. And it makes me so anxious or maybe it’s my blood pressure? I can’t take the crying.

But does she wake up in the middle of the night wanting to nurse? You may need to stop nursing just so you both have a full nights sleep. I get that you don't think she'll be happy without nursing, but she will.

OP here. No. She doesn't wake at all. She's a champ sleeper 7-7:30 and a 2 hour nap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd stop sending her to daycare on the chance something bad there is happening to her. Has she always been that clingy/needy or is that something she started doing recently?

OP here. I'm 100% sure it's not daycare. She has the same teachers my older 2 did and she loves them. She's very excited to go.

My middle child and her have the same personalities. Both were the easiest babies on Earth (oldest was harder). When she was a newborn, she didn't cry even once most days. She was just well fed and happy. Both got hard around 15m, but my youngest takes it to an extreme. She's just stubborn. She also won't talk even though I've heard her say words. I'm trying not to take it personally but she calls me "you". She says "You!- Up!" for pick me up. I talk a lot and I'll tell her I'm going to put her down and finish dinner "You! No!" and she will slap my face or chest and shake her head. She says Daddy and she says her siblings' names too. It's kind of a joke at this point that she won't say mommy/mama. I have heard her say Mama when she gets hurt and needs me, but it's so rare, less than 10x in her life for sure.

To answer someone else's question, yes she does sit and play with me. She loves her Little People, baby dolls and pretending to cook.

[Anonymous]

I agree that you are unintentionally / intentionally reinforcing this behavior. You need to teach a replacement behavior. "I can't pick you up right now, but I can draw with you / play game / do fashion show" Then sit down and start doing that thing. "Oh, I wish Larlo was here to play candyland. She is so good at spinning the spinner." Get her excited about being with you in another way. She has trained you that her crying is more than you want to deal with, so she gets her way.

What if carrying was eating ice cream exclusively, staying up until 10pm, running in the street, or cutting her own things with adult scissors? You would say no, offer alternative, ride out the tantrum, and repeat until it stuck. Right now, you are in that same loop, but hugging / carrying / holding instead of running into traffic. A few days of being consistent and "tough" and not giving in and she will learn the new routine.

There is a GREAT section of Whole Brain Child that talks about routine and association that might help you.

This is hard and it sucks and the end of the day when everyone is spent is the worst time to be consistent, but a few hard weeks and your life will feel so much better.

[Anonymous]

I suspect it is jealousy and trying to monopolize attention since there is competition for attention in the house from the other kids. How many kids do you have?

How does she behave around the other children? What is her behavior like when your other kids are not at home and she is at home alone with you?

[Anonymous]

My DS was like this from about 5-20months (although was a very poor sleeper so it was extra miserable). He grew out of it by around 2. I just about lost my mind and it almost caused him to be an only child but he did totally change somehow.

[jsmith123]

OP I feel you so much with not being able to stand the crying.

My 2nd for some reason just triggered my anxiety response in a way my 1st did not. I don't know if it was chemical or what.

I wish I had known about the ear product the nanny recommended. Probably would have saved me!

A book that I really like for this age is No Bad Kids. I like it because it's about being kind but firm, and teaching vs. punitive discipline.

No other advice, really, except to say hang in there. Everyone always talks about the terrible twos and threenagers, but for both my kids, the hardest time for me was about 15 to 18 months.

[Anonymous]

Nobody has suggested this, but have you tried giving her a tablet loaded with toddler educatiinal games/kids youtube? That should buy you 15+ min increments when needed.