Is effing with someone a thing?

[Anonymous]

I get your question Op and it is worth it to reflect and be curious about why he is the way he is. The reason I focus on your role in it though is because that’s the part you can change and that’s actually the part that will create a different relationship dynamic in the future form who you attract to who you keep and the dynamic you and your partner end up forming.

The truth is you will never know know why someone else does something unless they tell you and they are a very self aware and in touch person who has done the work. You can get to know know yourself though. The fact that he pulled at least 6-9 (it sounds like) drop the ball incidents and you stuck around is something definitely worth unpacking to me. I get 1, 2, maybe even 3 BS incidents. But anything beyond that is atypical and makes me think there is something for you to unpack or that this is a very early relationship for you, like straight out of college or something.

[Anonymous]

^^ Thanks PP. it was only for just over two months and it was fine, even great, for about the first month. You are correct that my relationship experience is lacking. He came on very strong and seemed to hone in on exactly what I wanted in a relationship. Very attentive and present, until he wasn’t. It seems illogical to me that he spent so much time cultivating a relationship only to do a 180 and act foolish a month later. It also seems illogical that if he’s irritated by me that he’d keep trying to come back after I broke it off. Anyway, point taken not to give people like this more than a second chance.

[Anonymous]

^^ OP again, also I had known him through mutual friends before dating, so that made me feel more comfortable with him. Anyway, my bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dated a guy who came on strong, was attentive, polite, interested. But then he’d ghost for a few days without explanation. Twice he failed to show up for a date at all. He’d lovingly say he’d do something then fail to follow through. Or worse, he’d do the thing but mix in some other unpleasant aspect that would ruin the entire thing. Like for my birthday he gave me a novel that he said had a lot of meaning to him, but the inside had a note to “Nikki” (lol my name isn’t Nikki). Okay so he was effing with me. Like the entire time. But why? I didn’t do anything unkind to him. In fact, I actually really liked him and in many ways it seemed like he liked me too. But he kept effing with me. Super weird. If he didn’t like me, why not just dump me and move on? He chased me quite a bit after I broke up with him. I don’t get it.

The bold alone was enough to merit no more dates. Being a totally unexplained no-show in the early days of dating? Not even telling you he suddenly got sick or had a work emergency (if his work is the type to have "emergencies")? The lack of any plausible explanation was sufficient for ending things with him. He either got a better offer for that same time, or cared so little that he flaked and forgot your date. Next time, end things after that point, if it happens again with some other guy.

Don't blame yourself for his being a jerk, OP. You didn't do anything unkind to him; he's going to be like this with everyone. Self-centered and probably juggling various women who give him second and third chances after he fails to turn up because he's with someone else. The fact he chased you after you broke up? That makes him the kind who thinks of women as little trophies and who feels HE should be the one to break up with YOU. He probably wasn't truly interested in you at that point but instead wanted to show himself, and you, that he could get you back, that's all. It would not have lasted, considering his awful track record with you. Good riddance. Please do not waste time or energy thinking about "why did this happen" etc. Just move on and don't put up again with anyone who pulls the stuff he pulled on you. You deserve better.

+1

You dodged a bullet, OP. Work on yourself if you are too nice, needy or lack self esteem - and do not take him back. He has shown you who he is. Believe him.

[Anonymous]

^^ Thank you PP. I got advice to block him, which I did, and I won’t communicate with him. There’s no point, particularly if he’s just messing with me. Agree that this seems to be a matter of trying to get in the last word on who broke up with whom. I don’t even care anymore now. Thanks everyone for making this more clear for me.

[Anonymous]

Not 'your bad' imo; you're a decent person and may have liked Something about him that he chose to show you, in his best interest. May I direct you to:
https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-to-spot-an-assclown/

[Anonymous]

I don’t know if he was deliberately messing with you, or if he is just a narcissist/deeply troubled/bad person who can mask it for a while before everything falls apart (you are very lucky that his mask dropped after only a month; some people drop it after they are already married or with a child and then you are F-Ed). Blocking him was very wise.

It’s true that red flags should have been going off earlier, big time. That’s the only thing you should be reflecting on, not his behavior, which isn’t your problem anymore (thankfully!).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He’s “effing” with you because you’re allowing him to. Desperate much? Are you “effing” effing him, too?

Eh, no need to mock the term OP's using. It gets used here sometimes because the DCUM site rules sometimes seem to flag the actual term.

I’m not mocking. She used the term, and I’m referring to it both as “messing” with someone, and “copulating” with them. But since you don’t like that, how about this.

OP, he’s messing with you because, despite his treatment you keep crawling back. I’m assuming you are also an easy lay and you keep allowing him to sleep with you, so he comes back when he wants a warm place to put it.

Wow. Issues much?

[Anonymous]

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=awY1MRlMKMc

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dated a guy who came on strong, was attentive, polite, interested. But then he’d ghost for a few days without explanation. Twice he failed to show up for a date at all. He’d lovingly say he’d do something then fail to follow through. Or worse, he’d do the thing but mix in some other unpleasant aspect that would ruin the entire thing. Like for my birthday he gave me a novel that he said had a lot of meaning to him, but the inside had a note to “Nikki” (lol my name isn’t Nikki). Okay so he was effing with me. Like the entire time. But why? I didn’t do anything unkind to him. In fact, I actually really liked him and in many ways it seemed like he liked me too. But he kept effing with me. Super weird. If he didn’t like me, why not just dump me and move on? He chased me quite a bit after I broke up with him. I don’t get it.

Get over yourself and move on—you keep asking why and would never get answers. He’s not into you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^ Thanks PP. it was only for just over two months and it was fine, even great, for about the first month. You are correct that my relationship experience is lacking. He came on very strong and seemed to hone in on exactly what I wanted in a relationship. Very attentive and present, until he wasn’t. It seems illogical to me that he spent so much time cultivating a relationship only to do a 180 and act foolish a month later. It also seems illogical that if he’s irritated by me that he’d keep trying to come back after I broke it off. Anyway, point taken not to give people like this more than a second chance.

He sounds broken. No point in trying to figure it out as you will never know. I would worry more about why you put up with some of this, so you can recognize red flags earlier next time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^ Thanks PP. it was only for just over two months and it was fine, even great, for about the first month. You are correct that my relationship experience is lacking. He came on very strong and seemed to hone in on exactly what I wanted in a relationship. Very attentive and present, until he wasn’t. It seems illogical to me that he spent so much time cultivating a relationship only to do a 180 and act foolish a month later. It also seems illogical that if he’s irritated by me that he’d keep trying to come back after I broke it off. Anyway, point taken not to give people like this more than a second chance.

He sounds broken. No point in trying to figure it out as you will never know. I would worry more about why you put up with some of this, so you can recognize red flags earlier next time.

It’s like if you buy a new lamp at Target and it works for a few weeks then acts all glitchy. If you can’t get it to work after the usual basic measures (is there a light bulb and power?), then you cut your losses and get rid of the lamp. But unlike at Target, there’s no warranty or return policy when it comes to dating. It’s caveat emptor.

[Anonymous]

He probably has some psychological issues. He may not be malicious, though he still sounds like a big problem.

[Anonymous]

Many years ago, when I put up with a lot more shit, I dated a guy who'd go out of his way to be a d-ck.
The last time I saw him was on my birthday. He showed up at my place very late, announcing "I'm not apologizing for being late". Okay. Then we went out and he'd stop every few feet, pick some garbage up off the ground and say "I got you this!", or "Here is your birthday present!" He even did it when we were at a restaurant surrounded by my friends, "Look at this amazing present I got her!"
It was so weird, he seemed so angry and like he was trying to make some kind of point about how little he cared about me.
I dumped him by text after that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know if he was deliberately messing with you, or if he is just a narcissist/deeply troubled/bad person who can mask it for a while before everything falls apart (you are very lucky that his mask dropped after only a month; some people drop it after they are already married or with a child and then you are F-Ed). Blocking him was very wise.

It’s true that red flags should have been going off earlier, big time. That’s the only thing you should be reflecting on, not his behavior, which isn’t your problem anymore (thankfully!).

This. It sounds like he has a problem of some sort, and you may never be able to figure out exactly what the problem is--just that you don't want to be part of it OP. A friend married someone like this; he keep the mask up u til they got married and then became abusive rather quickly.

There are also guys who prescribe to a pick up artist behavior of "negging" so they try to wear you down and make you think you aren't a great person, and they are the only ones who will put up with you. Maybe he was missing dates because he has some sort of executive functioning problem, or maybe he was missing dates to see how much you would take. Can't tell. You dodged a bullet OP.