Kids who just aren’t affectionate

[Anonymous]

My mother would say this about me. My issue was just that I didn't want affection from HER.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do all you PPs who ‘don’t like physical touch’ also dislike and are ambivalent about sex?

No. Love sex, it's a totally different thing in my mind. Not looking for cuddling all night after though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Any number of things could be going on with him, from the relatively benign to the very bad. Have you considered setting him up with the opportunity to work with a school or mental health counselor at least briefly?

In my half century of experience it strikes me as a little odd for a kid to express a hatred for love and to be so withholding of affection even with a beloved parent. There is such a diversity of personality types and some of them do come with avoidant issues re: intimacy. If your son is on that end of the spectrum of human personality, it could really help him moving forward in life to work on his issues around attachment and intimacy.

🙄 Give quick hugs from behind (That way they don’t have to embarrass their teen selves by putting their arms around you as well) and just keep saying light loving things. Just because he feels awkward showing it to you doesn’t mean he doesn’t like hearing it from you!

Why would you give quick hugs from behind to someone who, throughout his entire life, has expressed to you that he does not want to be hugged? That's honestly kind of mean. Like sneaking up on someone and tickling them against their will once a day.

You do you.

[Anonymous]

One of my kids is a little like this. He tolerates hugs but would rather avoid them. He’ll answer back “I love you” but isn’t spontaneous about it at all. He is empathetic - especially towards animals and he does LOvE our dog m but is just kind of standoffish with humans. His best friend is the total opposite and it’s been funny watching them grow up together. Best friend will throw an affectionate arm over his shoulder and he visibly shudders and stiffens up. I’m not too worried about him. He’s kind and thoughtful and has friends and strong relationships - he just isn’t outwardly affectionate. His dad is kind of similar, though does like touch, and come to think of it, I know others perceive me as a little ‘cold’ too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do all you PPs who ‘don’t like physical touch’ also dislike and are ambivalent about sex?

My guess is that I like it less than the average person, want it less often than average, and am pickier about what feels good, but I do have sex and enjoy it. That's really different from how I feel about hugging or kissing my mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother would say this about me. My issue was just that I didn't want affection from HER.

OP here, I also didn’t want affection from mother but we had a strained relationship which I don’t think I have with my son

[Anonymous]

Op here, my kid likes cats but not dogs (“they are too much!”)
He also used to save earth worms from the pathways where he thought people could squish them

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother would say this about me. My issue was just that I didn't want affection from HER.

OP here, I also didn’t want affection from mother but we had a strained relationship which I don’t think I have with my son

PP here who likes sex and not much parental affection (LOL that seems odd to type but on topic). My relationship with parents is not and has never been strained, but I do have a younger sibling who was basically physically attached like a kangaroo kid to parents until...8? Older? Made me less likely to seek physical affection for sure, but would explain why it doesn't impact things like sex. Is that in play?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Any number of things could be going on with him, from the relatively benign to the very bad. Have you considered setting him up with the opportunity to work with a school or mental health counselor at least briefly?

In my half century of experience it strikes me as a little odd for a kid to express a hatred for love and to be so withholding of affection even with a beloved parent. There is such a diversity of personality types and some of them do come with avoidant issues re: intimacy. If your son is on that end of the spectrum of human personality, it could really help him moving forward in life to work on his issues around attachment and intimacy.

🙄 Give quick hugs from behind (That way they don’t have to embarrass their teen selves by putting their arms around you as well) and just keep saying light loving things. Just because he feels awkward showing it to you doesn’t mean he doesn’t like hearing it from you!

Why would you give quick hugs from behind to someone who, throughout his entire life, has expressed to you that he does not want to be hugged? That's honestly kind of mean. Like sneaking up on someone and tickling them against their will once a day.

ITA. I do not like being surprise-touched, even by DH. Some of us are not touchy-feely and that should be respected. It doesn’t mean we love any less. We may not say it, but we show it.

OP - does your son enjoy spending time with you? Like going for walks, outings? Do you laugh together at silly jokes? Does he express concern (or acknowledge your concern) when one of you has a bad day, gets hurt, feel sick?

[Anonymous]

It never hurts for you to talk to a children’s psychologist about any concerns you have. I would do this privately initially (not through school.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother would say this about me. My issue was just that I didn't want affection from HER.

OP here, I also didn’t want affection from mother but we had a strained relationship which I don’t think I have with my son

My mother also didn't think we had a strained relationship either. She could not see how manipulative and unfair she was to me. She also, almost never bathed (I don't think she took a bath or shower the last 20 years of her life) and just used a wet soapy washcloth maybe once every couple of weeks. She smelled awful. I never had the heart to tell her that, no matter how angry I got at her. So I didn't want to hug her because of the smell. Never mind that she treated me so poorly.

[Anonymous]

I am no expert, but this doesn’t actually sound NT to me. Have you ever talked to his pediatrician about it? I would say it is normal behavior for a 12 year old. But all his life? I wouldn’t say it’s necessarily a bad thing, but I would think it may be something diagnosable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother would say this about me. My issue was just that I didn't want affection from HER.

OP here, I also didn’t want affection from mother but we had a strained relationship which I don’t think I have with my son

My mother also didn't think we had a strained relationship either. She could not see how manipulative and unfair she was to me. She also, almost never bathed (I don't think she took a bath or shower the last 20 years of her life) and just used a wet soapy washcloth maybe once every couple of weeks. She smelled awful. I never had the heart to tell her that, no matter how angry I got at her. So I didn't want to hug her because of the smell. Never mind that she treated me so poorly.

Sorry about your poor relationship with your mom but I think you are projecting here

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am no expert, but this doesn’t actually sound NT to me. Have you ever talked to his pediatrician about it? I would say it is normal behavior for a 12 year old. But all his life? I wouldn’t say it’s necessarily a bad thing, but I would think it may be something diagnosable.

I wasn’t too concerned because he enjoyed lying in bed with me like many kids do, and he was on the later side to not need this at all
He would sit close and lean on me or his dad
I think now it’s more apparent because he is also becoming a teen

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Any number of things could be going on with him, from the relatively benign to the very bad. Have you considered setting him up with the opportunity to work with a school or mental health counselor at least briefly?

In my half century of experience it strikes me as a little odd for a kid to express a hatred for love and to be so withholding of affection even with a beloved parent. There is such a diversity of personality types and some of them do come with avoidant issues re: intimacy. If your son is on that end of the spectrum of human personality, it could really help him moving forward in life to work on his issues around attachment and intimacy.

🙄 Give quick hugs from behind (That way they don’t have to embarrass their teen selves by putting their arms around you as well) and just keep saying light loving things. Just because he feels awkward showing it to you doesn’t mean he doesn’t like hearing it from you!

Why would you give quick hugs from behind to someone who, throughout his entire life, has expressed to you that he does not want to be hugged? That's honestly kind of mean. Like sneaking up on someone and tickling them against their will once a day.

ITA. I do not like being surprise-touched, even by DH. Some of us are not touchy-feely and that should be respected. It doesn’t mean we love any less. We may not say it, but we show it.

OP - does your son enjoy spending time with you? Like going for walks, outings? Do you laugh together at silly jokes? Does he express concern (or acknowledge your concern) when one of you has a bad day, gets hurt, feel sick?

We have good conversations and laugh together
He does understand it when I am sick/tired/not feeling well but of course as a 12 yo he isn’t particularly caring in these situations